I just threw up in public, the mask did nothing, all it did was make it more difficult to throw up. I must have looked pretty stupid.
— Shädman💀 (@Shadbase) June 20, 2020
I forgot to upload this one, it only took a few hours to draw and I made it last weekend.
Been taking on a bit of work that interests me outside of shadbase so my drawing efforts are divided and ill do simpler styles here again so I can still post something every now and then.
kik me @Avocado.boy
send me stuff on kik @Avocado.boy
GENESIS 35
Jacob Returns to Bethel
1Then God said to Jacob, “Go up to Bethel and settle there, and build an altar there to God, who appeared to you when you were fleeing from your brother Esau.”
2So Jacob said to his household and to all who were with him, “Get rid of the foreign gods you have with you, and purify yourselves and change your clothes. 3Then come, let us go up to Bethel, where I will build an altar to God, who answered me in the day of my distress and who has been with me wherever I have gone.” 4So they gave Jacob all the foreign gods they had and the rings in their ears, and Jacob buried them under the oak at Shechem. 5Then they set out, and the terror of God fell on the towns all around them so that no one pursued them.
6Jacob and all the people with him came to Luz (that is, Bethel) in the land of Canaan. 7There he built an altar, and he called the place El Bethel, because it was there that God revealed himself to him when he was fleeing from his brother.
8Now Deborah, Rebekah’s nurse, died and was buried under the oak outside Bethel. So it was named Allon Bakuth.
9After Jacob returned from Paddan Aram, God appeared to him again and blessed him. 10God said to him, “Your name is Jacob, but you will no longer be called Jacob; your name will be Israel.” So he named him Israel.
11And God said to him, “I am God Almighty; be fruitful and increase in number. A nation and a community of nations will come from you, and kings will be among your descendants. 12The land I gave to Abraham and Isaac I also give to you, and I will give this land to your descendants after you.” 13Then God went up from him at the place where he had talked with him.
14Jacob set up a stone pillar at the place where God had talked with him, and he poured out a drink offering on it; he also poured oil on it. 15Jacob called the place where God had talked with him Bethel.
The Deaths of Rachel and Isaac
16Then they moved on from Bethel. While they were still some distance from Ephrath, Rachel began to give birth and had great difficulty. 17And as she was having great difficulty in childbirth, the midwife said to her, “Don’t despair, for you have another son.” 18As she breathed her last—for she was dying—she named her son Ben-Oni. But his father named him Benjamin.
19So Rachel died and was buried on the way to Ephrath (that is, Bethlehem). 20Over her tomb Jacob set up a pillar, and to this day that pillar marks Rachel’s tomb.
21Israel moved on again and pitched his tent beyond Migdal Eder. 22While Israel was living in that region, Reuben went in and slept with his father’s concubine Bilhah, and Israel heard of it.
Jacob had twelve sons:
23The sons of Leah:
Reuben the firstborn of Jacob,
Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar and Zebulun.
24The sons of Rachel:
Joseph and Benjamin.
25The sons of Rachel’s servant Bilhah:
Dan and Naphtali.
26The sons of Leah’s servant Zilpah:
Gad and Asher.
These were the sons of Jacob, who were born to him in Paddan Aram.
27Jacob came home to his father Isaac in Mamre, near Kiriath Arba (that is, Hebron), where Abraham and Isaac had stayed. 28Isaac lived a hundred and eighty years. 29Then he breathed his last and died and was gathered to his people, old and full of years. And his sons Esau and Jacob buried him.
GENESIS 34
Dinah and the Shechemites
1Now Dinah, the daughter Leah had borne to Jacob, went out to visit the women of the land. 2When Shechem son of Hamor the Hivite, the ruler of that area, saw her, he took her and raped her. 3His heart was drawn to Dinah daughter of Jacob; he loved the young woman and spoke tenderly to her. 4And Shechem said to his father Hamor, “Get me this girl as my wife.”
5When Jacob heard that his daughter Dinah had been defiled, his sons were in the fields with his livestock; so he did nothing about it until they came home.
6Then Shechem’s father Hamor went out to talk with Jacob. 7Meanwhile, Jacob’s sons had come in from the fields as soon as they heard what had happened. They were shocked and furious, because Shechem had done an outrageous thing in Israel by sleeping with Jacob’s daughter—a thing that should not be done.
8But Hamor said to them, “My son Shechem has his heart set on your daughter. Please give her to him as his wife. 9Intermarry with us; give us your daughters and take our daughters for yourselves. 10You can settle among us; the land is open to you. Live in it, trade in it, and acquire property in it.”
11Then Shechem said to Dinah’s father and brothers, “Let me find favor in your eyes, and I will give you whatever you ask. 12Make the price for the bride and the gift I am to bring as great as you like, and I’ll pay whatever you ask me. Only give me the young woman as my wife.”
13Because their sister Dinah had been defiled, Jacob’s sons replied deceitfully as they spoke to Shechem and his father Hamor. 14They said to them, “We can’t do such a thing; we can’t give our sister to a man who is not circumcised. That would be a disgrace to us. 15We will enter into an agreement with you on one condition only: that you become like us by circumcising all your males. 16Then we will give you our daughters and take your daughters for ourselves. We’ll settle among you and become one people with you. 17But if you will not agree to be circumcised, we’ll take our sister and go.”
18Their proposal seemed good to Hamor and his son Shechem. 19The young man, who was the most honored of all his father’s family, lost no time in doing what they said, because he was delighted with Jacob’s daughter. 20So Hamor and his son Shechem went to the gate of their city to speak to the men of their city. 21“These men are friendly toward us,” they said. “Let them live in our land and trade in it; the land has plenty of room for them. We can marry their daughters and they can marry ours. 22But the men will agree to live with us as one people only on the condition that our males be circumcised, as they themselves are. 23Won’t their livestock, their property and all their other animals become ours? So let us agree to their terms, and they will settle among us.”
24All the men who went out of the city gate agreed with Hamor and his son Shechem, and every male in the city was circumcised.
25Three days later, while all of them were still in pain, two of Jacob’s sons, Simeon and Levi, Dinah’s brothers, took their swords and attacked the unsuspecting city, killing every male. 26They put Hamor and his son Shechem to the sword and took Dinah from Shechem’s house and left. 27The sons of Jacob came upon the dead bodies and looted the city where their sister had been defiled. 28They seized their flocks and herds and donkeys and everything else of theirs in the city and out in the fields. 29They carried off all their wealth and all their women and children, taking as plunder everything in the houses.
30Then Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, “You have brought trouble on me by making me obnoxious to the Canaanites and Perizzites, the people living in this land. We are few in number, and if they join forces against me and attack me, I and my household will be destroyed.”
31But they replied, “Should he have treated our sister like a prostitute?”
GENESIS 33
Jacob Meets Esau
1Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two female servants. 2He put the female servants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear. 3He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.
4But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept. 5Then Esau looked up and saw the women and children. “Who are these with you?” he asked.
Jacob answered, “They are the children God has graciously given your servant.”
6Then the female servants and their children approached and bowed down. 7Next, Leah and her children came and bowed down. Last of all came Joseph and Rachel, and they too bowed down.
8Esau asked, “What’s the meaning of all these flocks and herds I met?”
“To find favor in your eyes, my lord,” he said.
9But Esau said, “I already have plenty, my brother. Keep what you have for yourself.”
10“No, please!” said Jacob. “If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably. 11Please accept the present that was brought to you, for God has been gracious to me and I have all I need.” And because Jacob insisted, Esau accepted it.
12Then Esau said, “Let us be on our way; I’ll accompany you.”
13But Jacob said to him, “My lord knows that the children are tender and that I must care for the ewes and cows that are nursing their young. If they are driven hard just one day, all the animals will die. 14So let my lord go on ahead of his servant, while I move along slowly at the pace of the flocks and herds before me and the pace of the children, until I come to my lord in Seir.”
15Esau said, “Then let me leave some of my men with you.”
“But why do that?” Jacob asked. “Just let me find favor in the eyes of my lord.”
16So that day Esau started on his way back to Seir. 17Jacob, however, went to Sukkoth, where he built a place for himself and made shelters for his livestock. That is why the place is called Sukkoth.
18After Jacob came from Paddan Aram, he arrived safely at the city of Shechem in Canaan and camped within sight of the city. 19For a hundred pieces of silver, he bought from the sons of Hamor, the father of Shechem, the plot of ground where he pitched his tent. 20There he set up an altar and called it El Elohe Israel.
GENESIS 32
Jacob Prepares to Meet Esau
1Jacob also went on his way, and the angels of God met him. 2When Jacob saw them, he said, “This is the camp of God!” So he named that place Mahanaim.
3Jacob sent messengers ahead of him to his brother Esau in the land of Seir, the country of Edom. 4He instructed them: “This is what you are to say to my lord Esau: ‘Your servant Jacob says, I have been staying with Laban and have remained there till now. 5I have cattle and donkeys, sheep and goats, male and female servants. Now I am sending this message to my lord, that I may find favor in your eyes.’ ”
6When the messengers returned to Jacob, they said, “We went to your brother Esau, and now he is coming to meet you, and four hundred men are with him.”
7In great fear and distress Jacob divided the people who were with him into two groups, and the flocks and herds and camels as well. 8He thought, “If Esau comes and attacks one group, the group that is left may escape.”
9Then Jacob prayed, “O God of my father Abraham, God of my father Isaac, Lord, you who said to me, ‘Go back to your country and your relatives, and I will make you prosper,’ 10I am unworthy of all the kindness and faithfulness you have shown your servant. I had only my staff when I crossed this Jordan, but now I have become two camps. 11Save me, I pray, from the hand of my brother Esau, for I am afraid he will come and attack me, and also the mothers with their children. 12But you have said, ‘I will surely make you prosper and will make your descendants like the sand of the sea, which cannot be counted.’ ”
13He spent the night there, and from what he had with him he selected a gift for his brother Esau: 14two hundred female goats and twenty male goats, two hundred ewes and twenty rams, 15thirty female camels with their young, forty cows and ten bulls, and twenty female donkeys and ten male donkeys. 16He put them in the care of his servants, each herd by itself, and said to his servants, “Go ahead of me, and keep some space between the herds.”
17He instructed the one in the lead: “When my brother Esau meets you and asks, ‘Who do you belong to, and where are you going, and who owns all these animals in front of you?’ 18then you are to say, ‘They belong to your servant Jacob. They are a gift sent to my lord Esau, and he is coming behind us.’ ”
19He also instructed the second, the third and all the others who followed the herds: “You are to say the same thing to Esau when you meet him. 20And be sure to say, ‘Your servant Jacob is coming behind us.’ ” For he thought, “I will pacify him with these gifts I am sending on ahead; later, when I see him, perhaps he will receive me.” 21So Jacob’s gifts went on ahead of him, but he himself spent the night in the camp.
Jacob Wrestles With God
22That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
27The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
28Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
29Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
30So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
31The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. 32Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob’s hip was touched near the tendon.
GENESIS 31
Jacob Flees From Laban
1Jacob heard that Laban’s sons were saying, “Jacob has taken everything our father owned and has gained all this wealth from what belonged to our father.” 2And Jacob noticed that Laban’s attitude toward him was not what it had been.
3Then the Lordsaid to Jacob, “Go back to the land of your fathers and to your relatives, and I will be with you.”
4So Jacob sent word to Rachel and Leah to come out to the fields where his flocks were. 5He said to them, “I see that your father’s attitude toward me is not what it was before, but the God of my father has been with me. 6You know that I’ve worked for your father with all my strength, 7yet your father has cheated me by changing my wages ten times. However, God has not allowed him to harm me. 8If he said, ‘The speckled ones will be your wages,’ then all the flocks gave birth to speckled young; and if he said, ‘The streaked ones will be your wages,’ then all the flocks bore streaked young. 9So God has taken away your father’s livestock and has given them to me.
10“In breeding season I once had a dream in which I looked up and saw that the male goats mating with the flock were streaked, speckled or spotted. 11The angel of God said to me in the dream, ‘Jacob.’ I answered, ‘Here I am.’ 12And he said, ‘Look up and see that all the male goats mating with the flock are streaked, speckled or spotted, for I have seen all that Laban has been doing to you. 13I am the God of Bethel, where you anointed a pillar and where you made a vow to me. Now leave this land at once and go back to your native land.’ ”
14Then Rachel and Leah replied, “Do we still have any share in the inheritance of our father’s estate? 15Does he not regard us as foreigners? Not only has he sold us, but he has used up what was paid for us. 16Surely all the wealth that God took away from our father belongs to us and our children. So do whatever God has told you.”
17Then Jacob put his children and his wives on camels, 18and he drove all his livestock ahead of him, along with all the goods he had accumulated in Paddan Aram, to go to his father Isaac in the land of Canaan.
19When Laban had gone to shear his sheep, Rachel stole her father’s household gods. 20Moreover, Jacob deceived Laban the Aramean by not telling him he was running away. 21So he fled with all he had, crossed the Euphrates River, and headed for the hill country of Gilead.
Laban Pursues Jacob
22On the third day Laban was told that Jacob had fled. 23Taking his relatives with him, he pursued Jacob for seven days and caught up with him in the hill country of Gilead. 24Then God came to Laban the Aramean in a dream at night and said to him, “Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.”
25Jacob had pitched his tent in the hill country of Gilead when Laban overtook him, and Laban and his relatives camped there too. 26Then Laban said to Jacob, “What have you done? You’ve deceived me, and you’ve carried off my daughters like captives in war. 27Why did you run off secretly and deceive me? Why didn’t you tell me, so I could send you away with joy and singing to the music of timbrels and harps? 28You didn’t even let me kiss my grandchildren and my daughters goodbye. You have done a foolish thing. 29I have the power to harm you; but last night the God of your father said to me, ‘Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.’ 30Now you have gone off because you longed to return to your father’s household. But why did you steal my gods?”
31Jacob answered Laban, “I was afraid, because I thought you would take your daughters away from me by force. 32But if you find anyone who has your gods, that person shall not live. In the presence of our relatives, see for yourself whether there is anything of yours here with me; and if so, take it.” Now Jacob did not know that Rachel had stolen the gods.
33So Laban went into Jacob’s tent and into Leah’s tent and into the tent of the two female servants, but he found nothing. After he came out of Leah’s tent, he entered Rachel’s tent. 34Now Rachel had taken the household gods and put them inside her camel’s saddle and was sitting on them. Laban searched through everything in the tent but found nothing.
35Rachel said to her father, “Don’t be angry, my lord, that I cannot stand up in your presence; I’m having my period.” So he searched but could not find the household gods.
36Jacob was angry and took Laban to task. “What is my crime?” he asked Laban. “How have I wronged you that you hunt me down? 37Now that you have searched through all my goods, what have you found that belongs to your household? Put it here in front of your relatives and mine, and let them judge between the two of us.
38“I have been with you for twenty years now. Your sheep and goats have not miscarried, nor have I eaten rams from your flocks. 39I did not bring you animals torn by wild beasts; I bore the loss myself. And you demanded payment from me for whatever was stolen by day or night. 40This was my situation: The heat consumed me in the daytime and the cold at night, and sleep fled from my eyes. 41It was like this for the twenty years I was in your household. I worked for you fourteen years for your two daughters and six years for your flocks, and you changed my wages ten times. 42If the God of my father, the God of Abraham and the Fear of Isaac, had not been with me, you would surely have sent me away empty-handed. But God has seen my hardship and the toil of my hands, and last night he rebuked you.”
43Laban answered Jacob, “The women are my daughters, the children are my children, and the flocks are my flocks. All you see is mine. Yet what can I do today about these daughters of mine, or about the children they have borne? 44Come now, let’s make a covenant, you and I, and let it serve as a witness between us.”
45So Jacob took a stone and set it up as a pillar. 46He said to his relatives, “Gather some stones.” So they took stones and piled them in a heap, and they ate there by the heap. 47Laban called it Jegar Sahadutha, and Jacob called it Galeed.
48Laban said, “This heap is a witness between you and me today.” That is why it was called Galeed. 49It was also called Mizpah, because he said, “May the Lordkeep watch between you and me when we are away from each other. 50If you mistreat my daughters or if you take any wives besides my daughters, even though no one is with us, remember that God is a witness between you and me.”
51Laban also said to Jacob, “Here is this heap, and here is this pillar I have set up between you and me. 52This heap is a witness, and this pillar is a witness, that I will not go past this heap to your side to harm you and that you will not go past this heap and pillar to my side to harm me. 53May the God of Abraham and the God of Nahor, the God of their father, judge between us.”
So Jacob took an oath in the name of the Fear of his father Isaac. 54He offered a sacrifice there in the hill country and invited his relatives to a meal. After they had eaten, they spent the night there.
55Early the next morning Laban kissed his grandchildren and his daughters and blessed them. Then he left and returned home.
GENESIS 30
1When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, “Give me children, or I’ll die!”
2Jacob became angry with her and said, “Am I in the place of God, who has kept you from having children?”
3Then she said, “Here is Bilhah, my servant. Sleep with her so that she can bear children for me and I too can build a family through her.”
4So she gave him her servant Bilhah as a wife. Jacob slept with her, 5and she became pregnant and bore him a son. 6Then Rachel said, “God has vindicated me; he has listened to my plea and given me a son.” Because of this she named him Dan.
7Rachel’s servant Bilhah conceived again and bore Jacob a second son. 8Then Rachel said, “I have had a great struggle with my sister, and I have won.” So she named him Naphtali.
9When Leah saw that she had stopped having children, she took her servant Zilpah and gave her to Jacob as a wife. 10Leah’s servant Zilpah bore Jacob a son. 11Then Leah said, “What good fortune!” So she named him Gad.
12Leah’s servant Zilpah bore Jacob a second son. 13Then Leah said, “How happy I am! The women will call me happy.” So she named him Asher.
14During wheat harvest, Reuben went out into the fields and found some mandrake plants, which he brought to his mother Leah. Rachel said to Leah, “Please give me some of your son’s mandrakes.”
15But she said to her, “Wasn’t it enough that you took away my husband? Will you take my son’s mandrakes too?”
“Very well,” Rachel said, “he can sleep with you tonight in return for your son’s mandrakes.”
16So when Jacob came in from the fields that evening, Leah went out to meet him. “You must sleep with me,” she said. “I have hired you with my son’s mandrakes.” So he slept with her that night.
17God listened to Leah, and she became pregnant and bore Jacob a fifth son. 18Then Leah said, “God has rewarded me for giving my servant to my husband.” So she named him Issachar.
19Leah conceived again and bore Jacob a sixth son. 20Then Leah said, “God has presented me with a precious gift. This time my husband will treat me with honor, because I have borne him six sons.” So she named him Zebulun.
21Some time later she gave birth to a daughter and named her Dinah.
22Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and enabled her to conceive. 23She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, “God has taken away my disgrace.” 24She named him Joseph, and said, “May the Lordadd to me another son.”
Jacob’s Flocks Increase
25After Rachel gave birth to Joseph, Jacob said to Laban, “Send me on my way so I can go back to my own homeland. 26Give me my wives and children, for whom I have served you, and I will be on my way. You know how much work I’ve done for you.”
27But Laban said to him, “If I have found favor in your eyes, please stay. I have learned by divination that the Lordhas blessed me because of you.” 28He added, “Name your wages, and I will pay them.”
29Jacob said to him, “You know how I have worked for you and how your livestock has fared under my care. 30The little you had before I came has increased greatly, and the Lordhas blessed you wherever I have been. But now, when may I do something for my own household?”
31“What shall I give you?” he asked.
“Don’t give me anything,” Jacob replied. “But if you will do this one thing for me, I will go on tending your flocks and watching over them: 32Let me go through all your flocks today and remove from them every speckled or spotted sheep, every dark-colored lamb and every spotted or speckled goat. They will be my wages. 33And my honesty will testify for me in the future, whenever you check on the wages you have paid me. Any goat in my possession that is not speckled or spotted, or any lamb that is not dark-colored, will be considered stolen.”
34“Agreed,” said Laban. “Let it be as you have said.” 35That same day he removed all the male goats that were streaked or spotted, and all the speckled or spotted female goats (all that had white on them) and all the dark-colored lambs, and he placed them in the care of his sons. 36Then he put a three-day journey between himself and Jacob, while Jacob continued to tend the rest of Laban’s flocks.
37Jacob, however, took fresh-cut branches from poplar, almond and plane trees and made white stripes on them by peeling the bark and exposing the white inner wood of the branches. 38Then he placed the peeled branches in all the watering troughs, so that they would be directly in front of the flocks when they came to drink. When the flocks were in heat and came to drink, 39they mated in front of the branches. And they bore young that were streaked or speckled or spotted. 40Jacob set apart the young of the flock by themselves, but made the rest face the streaked and dark-colored animals that belonged to Laban. Thus he made separate flocks for himself and did not put them with Laban’s animals. 41Whenever the stronger females were in heat, Jacob would place the branches in the troughs in front of the animals so they would mate near the branches, 42but if the animals were weak, he would not place them there. So the weak animals went to Laban and the strong ones to Jacob. 43In this way the man grew exceedingly prosperous and came to own large flocks, and female and male servants, and camels and donkeys.
GENESIS 29
Jacob Arrives in Paddan Aram
1Then Jacob continued on his journey and came to the land of the eastern peoples. 2There he saw a well in the open country, with three flocks of sheep lying near it because the flocks were watered from that well. The stone over the mouth of the well was large. 3When all the flocks were gathered there, the shepherds would roll the stone away from the well’s mouth and water the sheep. Then they would return the stone to its place over the mouth of the well.
4Jacob asked the shepherds, “My brothers, where are you from?”
“We’re from Harran,” they replied.
5He said to them, “Do you know Laban, Nahor’s grandson?”
“Yes, we know him,” they answered.
6Then Jacob asked them, “Is he well?”
“Yes, he is,” they said, “and here comes his daughter Rachel with the sheep.”
7“Look,” he said, “the sun is still high; it is not time for the flocks to be gathered. Water the sheep and take them back to pasture.”
8“We can’t,” they replied, “until all the flocks are gathered and the stone has been rolled away from the mouth of the well. Then we will water the sheep.”
9While he was still talking with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep, for she was a shepherd. 10When Jacob saw Rachel daughter of his uncle Laban, and Laban’s sheep, he went over and rolled the stone away from the mouth of the well and watered his uncle’s sheep. 11Then Jacob kissed Rachel and began to weep aloud. 12He had told Rachel that he was a relative of her father and a son of Rebekah. So she ran and told her father.
13As soon as Laban heard the news about Jacob, his sister’s son, he hurried to meet him. He embraced him and kissed him and brought him to his home, and there Jacob told him all these things. 14Then Laban said to him, “You are my own flesh and blood.”
Jacob Marries Leah and Rachel
After Jacob had stayed with him for a whole month, 15Laban said to him, “Just because you are a relative of mine, should you work for me for nothing? Tell me what your wages should be.”
16Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. 17Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful. 18Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.”
19Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.” 20So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.
21Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.”
22So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. 23But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and Jacob made love to her. 24And Laban gave his servant Zilpah to his daughter as her attendant.
25When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me?”
26Laban replied, “It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. 27Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.”
28And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. 29Laban gave his servant Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her attendant. 30Jacob made love to Rachel also, and his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years.
Jacob’s Children
31When the Lordsaw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless. 32Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, “It is because the Lordhas seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.”
33She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Because the Lordheard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too.” So she named him Simeon.
34Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” So he was named Levi.
35She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the Lord.” So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children.
GENESIS 28
1So Isaac called for Jacob and blessed him. Then he commanded him: “Do not marry a Canaanite woman. 2Go at once to Paddan Aram, to the house of your mother’s father Bethuel. Take a wife for yourself there, from among the daughters of Laban, your mother’s brother. 3May God Almighty bless you and make you fruitful and increase your numbers until you become a community of peoples. 4May he give you and your descendants the blessing given to Abraham, so that you may take possession of the land where you now reside as a foreigner, the land God gave to Abraham.” 5Then Isaac sent Jacob on his way, and he went to Paddan Aram, to Laban son of Bethuel the Aramean, the brother of Rebekah, who was the mother of Jacob and Esau.
6Now Esau learned that Isaac had blessed Jacob and had sent him to Paddan Aram to take a wife from there, and that when he blessed him he commanded him, “Do not marry a Canaanite woman,” 7and that Jacob had obeyed his father and mother and had gone to Paddan Aram. 8Esau then realized how displeasing the Canaanite women were to his father Isaac; 9so he went to Ishmael and married Mahalath, the sister of Nebaioth and daughter of Ishmael son of Abraham, in addition to the wives he already had.
Jacob’s Dream at Bethel
10Jacob left Beersheba and set out for Harran. 11When he reached a certain place, he stopped for the night because the sun had set. Taking one of the stones there, he put it under his head and lay down to sleep. 12He had a dream in which he saw a stairway resting on the earth, with its top reaching to heaven, and the angels of God were ascending and descending on it. 13There above it stood the Lord, and he said: “I am the Lord, the God of your father Abraham and the God of Isaac. I will give you and your descendants the land on which you are lying. 14Your descendants will be like the dust of the earth, and you will spread out to the west and to the east, to the north and to the south. All peoples on earth will be blessed through you and your offspring. 15I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”
16When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, “Surely the Lordis in this place, and I was not aware of it.” 17He was afraid and said, “How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of heaven.”
18Early the next morning Jacob took the stone he had placed under his head and set it up as a pillar and poured oil on top of it. 19He called that place Bethel, though the city used to be called Luz.
20Then Jacob made a vow, saying, “If God will be with me and will watch over me on this journey I am taking and will give me food to eat and clothes to wear 21so that I return safely to my father’s household, then the Lord will be my God 22and this stone that I have set up as a pillar will be God’s house, and of all that you give me I will give you a tenth.”
GENESIS 27
1When Isaac was old and his eyes were so weak that he could no longer see, he called for Esau his older son and said to him, “My son.”
“Here I am,” he answered.
2Isaac said, “I am now an old man and don’t know the day of my death. 3Now then, get your equipment—your quiver and bow—and go out to the open country to hunt some wild game for me. 4Prepare me the kind of tasty food I like and bring it to me to eat, so that I may give you my blessing before I die.”
5Now Rebekah was listening as Isaac spoke to his son Esau. When Esau left for the open country to hunt game and bring it back, 6Rebekah said to her son Jacob, “Look, I overheard your father say to your brother Esau, 7‘Bring me some game and prepare me some tasty food to eat, so that I may give you my blessing in the presence of the Lordbefore I die.’ 8Now, my son, listen carefully and do what I tell you: 9Go out to the flock and bring me two choice young goats, so I can prepare some tasty food for your father, just the way he likes it. 10Then take it to your father to eat, so that he may give you his blessing before he dies.”
11Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, “But my brother Esau is a hairy man while I have smooth skin. 12What if my father touches me? I would appear to be tricking him and would bring down a curse on myself rather than a blessing.”
13His mother said to him, “My son, let the curse fall on me. Just do what I say; go and get them for me.”
14So he went and got them and brought them to his mother, and she prepared some tasty food, just the way his father liked it. 15Then Rebekah took the best clothes of Esau her older son, which she had in the house, and put them on her younger son Jacob. 16She also covered his hands and the smooth part of his neck with the goatskins. 17Then she handed to her son Jacob the tasty food and the bread she had made.
18He went to his father and said, “My father.”
“Yes, my son,” he answered. “Who is it?”
19Jacob said to his father, “I am Esau your firstborn. I have done as you told me. Please sit up and eat some of my game, so that you may give me your blessing.”
20Isaac asked his son, “How did you find it so quickly, my son?”
“The Lordyour God gave me success,” he replied.
21Then Isaac said to Jacob, “Come near so I can touch you, my son, to know whether you really are my son Esau or not.”
22Jacob went close to his father Isaac, who touched him and said, “The voice is the voice of Jacob, but the hands are the hands of Esau.” 23He did not recognize him, for his hands were hairy like those of his brother Esau; so he proceeded to bless him. 24“Are you really my son Esau?” he asked.
“I am,” he replied.
25Then he said, “My son, bring me some of your game to eat, so that I may give you my blessing.”
Jacob brought it to him and he ate; and he brought some wine and he drank. 26Then his father Isaac said to him, “Come here, my son, and kiss me.”
27So he went to him and kissed him. When Isaac caught the smell of his clothes, he blessed him and said,
“Ah, the smell of my son
is like the smell of a field
that the Lordhas blessed.
28May God give you heaven’s dew
and earth’s richness—
an abundance of grain and new wine.
29May nations serve you
and peoples bow down to you.
Be lord over your brothers,
and may the sons of your mother bow down to you.
May those who curse you be cursed
and those who bless you be blessed.”
30After Isaac finished blessing him, and Jacob had scarcely left his father’s presence, his brother Esau came in from hunting. 31He too prepared some tasty food and brought it to his father. Then he said to him, “My father, please sit up and eat some of my game, so that you may give me your blessing.”
32His father Isaac asked him, “Who are you?”
“I am your son,” he answered, “your firstborn, Esau.”
33Isaac trembled violently and said, “Who was it, then, that hunted game and brought it to me? I ate it just before you came and I blessed him—and indeed he will be blessed!”
34When Esau heard his father’s words, he burst out with a loud and bitter cry and said to his father, “Bless me—me too, my father!”
35But he said, “Your brother came deceitfully and took your blessing.”
36Esau said, “Isn’t he rightly named Jacob? This is the second time he has taken advantage of me: He took my birthright, and now he’s taken my blessing!” Then he asked, “Haven’t you reserved any blessing for me?”
37Isaac answered Esau, “I have made him lord over you and have made all his relatives his servants, and I have sustained him with grain and new wine. So what can I possibly do for you, my son?”
38Esau said to his father, “Do you have only one blessing, my father? Bless me too, my father!” Then Esau wept aloud.
39His father Isaac answered him,
“Your dwelling will be
away from the earth’s richness,
away from the dew of heaven above.
40You will live by the sword
and you will serve your brother.
But when you grow restless,
you will throw his yoke
from off your neck.”
41Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, “The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob.”
42When Rebekah was told what her older son Esau had said, she sent for her younger son Jacob and said to him, “Your brother Esau is planning to avenge himself by killing you. 43Now then, my son, do what I say: Flee at once to my brother Laban in Harran. 44Stay with him for a while until your brother’s fury subsides. 45When your brother is no longer angry with you and forgets what you did to him, I’ll send word for you to come back from there. Why should I lose both of you in one day?”
46Then Rebekah said to Isaac, “I’m disgusted with living because of these Hittite women. If Jacob takes a wife from among the women of this land, from Hittite women like these, my life will not be worth living.”
GENESIS 26
Isaac and Abimelek
1Now there was a famine in the land—besides the previous famine in Abraham’s time—and Isaac went to Abimelek king of the Philistines in Gerar. 2The Lordappeared to Isaac and said, “Do not go down to Egypt; live in the land where I tell you to live. 3Stay in this land for a while, and I will be with you and will bless you. For to you and your descendants I will give all these lands and will confirm the oath I swore to your father Abraham. 4I will make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and will give them all these lands, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, 5because Abraham obeyed me and did everything I required of him, keeping my commands, my decrees and my instructions.” 6So Isaac stayed in Gerar.
7When the men of that place asked him about his wife, he said, “She is my sister,” because he was afraid to say, “She is my wife.” He thought, “The men of this place might kill me on account of Rebekah, because she is beautiful.”
8When Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelek king of the Philistines looked down from a window and saw Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah. 9So Abimelek summoned Isaac and said, “She is really your wife! Why did you say, ‘She is my sister’?”
Isaac answered him, “Because I thought I might lose my life on account of her.”
10Then Abimelek said, “What is this you have done to us? One of the men might well have slept with your wife, and you would have brought guilt upon us.”
11So Abimelek gave orders to all the people: “Anyone who harms this man or his wife shall surely be put to death.”
12Isaac planted crops in that land and the same year reaped a hundredfold, because the Lordblessed him. 13The man became rich, and his wealth continued to grow until he became very wealthy. 14He had so many flocks and herds and servants that the Philistines envied him. 15So all the wells that his father’s servants had dug in the time of his father Abraham, the Philistines stopped up, filling them with earth.
16Then Abimelek said to Isaac, “Move away from us; you have become too powerful for us.”
17So Isaac moved away from there and encamped in the Valley of Gerar, where he settled. 18Isaac reopened the wells that had been dug in the time of his father Abraham, which the Philistines had stopped up after Abraham died, and he gave them the same names his father had given them.
19Isaac’s servants dug in the valley and discovered a well of fresh water there. 20But the herders of Gerar quarreled with those of Isaac and said, “The water is ours!” So he named the well Esek, because they disputed with him. 21Then they dug another well, but they quarreled over that one also; so he named it Sitnah. 22He moved on from there and dug another well, and no one quarreled over it. He named it Rehoboth, saying, “Now the Lordhas given us room and we will flourish in the land.”
23From there he went up to Beersheba. 24That night the Lordappeared to him and said, “I am the God of your father Abraham. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bless you and will increase the number of your descendants for the sake of my servant Abraham.”
25Isaac built an altar there and called on the name of the Lord. There he pitched his tent, and there his servants dug a well.
26Meanwhile, Abimelek had come to him from Gerar, with Ahuzzath his personal adviser and Phicol the commander of his forces. 27Isaac asked them, “Why have you come to me, since you were hostile to me and sent me away?”
28They answered, “We saw clearly that the Lordwas with you; so we said, ‘There ought to be a sworn agreement between us’—between us and you. Let us make a treaty with you 29that you will do us no harm, just as we did not harm you but always treated you well and sent you away peacefully. And now you are blessed by the Lord.”
30Isaac then made a feast for them, and they ate and drank. 31Early the next morning the men swore an oath to each other. Then Isaac sent them on their way, and they went away peacefully.
32That day Isaac’s servants came and told him about the well they had dug. They said, “We’ve found water!” 33He called it Shibah, and to this day the name of the town has been Beersheba.
Jacob Takes Esau’s Blessing
34When Esau was forty years old, he married Judith daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and also Basemath daughter of Elon the Hittite. 35They were a source of grief to Isaac and Rebekah.
GENESIS 25
The Death of Abraham
1Abraham had taken another wife, whose name was Keturah. 2She bore him Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak and Shuah. 3Jokshan was the father of Sheba and Dedan; the descendants of Dedan were the Ashurites, the Letushites and the Leummites. 4The sons of Midian were Ephah, Epher, Hanok, Abida and Eldaah. All these were descendants of Keturah.
5Abraham left everything he owned to Isaac. 6But while he was still living, he gave gifts to the sons of his concubines and sent them away from his son Isaac to the land of the east.
7Abraham lived a hundred and seventy-five years. 8Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man and full of years; and he was gathered to his people. 9His sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah near Mamre, in the field of Ephron son of Zohar the Hittite, 10the field Abraham had bought from the Hittites. There Abraham was buried with his wife Sarah. 11After Abraham’s death, God blessed his son Isaac, who then lived near Beer Lahai Roi.
Ishmael’s Sons
12This is the account of the family line of Abraham’s son Ishmael, whom Sarah’s slave, Hagar the Egyptian, bore to Abraham.
13These are the names of the sons of Ishmael, listed in the order of their birth: Nebaioth the firstborn of Ishmael, Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsam, 14Mishma, Dumah, Massa, 15Hadad, Tema, Jetur, Naphish and Kedemah. 16These were the sons of Ishmael, and these are the names of the twelve tribal rulers according to their settlements and camps. 17Ishmael lived a hundred and thirty-seven years. He breathed his last and died, and he was gathered to his people. 18His descendants settled in the area from Havilah to Shur, near the eastern border of Egypt, as you go toward Ashur. And they lived in hostility toward all the tribes related to them.
Jacob and Esau
19This is the account of the family line of Abraham’s son Isaac.
Abraham became the father of Isaac, 20and Isaac was forty years old when he married Rebekah daughter of Bethuel the Aramean from Paddan Aram and sister of Laban the Aramean.
21Isaac prayed to the Lordon behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The Lordanswered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant. 22The babies jostled each other within her, and she said, “Why is this happening to me?” So she went to inquire of the Lord.
23The Lordsaid to her,
“Two nations are in your womb,
and two peoples from within you will be separated;
one people will be stronger than the other,
and the older will serve the younger.”
24When the time came for her to give birth, there were twin boys in her womb. 25The first to come out was red, and his whole body was like a hairy garment; so they named him Esau. 26After this, his brother came out, with his hand grasping Esau’s heel; so he was named Jacob. Isaac was sixty years old when Rebekah gave birth to them.
27The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was content to stay at home among the tents. 28Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob.
29Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. 30He said to Jacob, “Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!” (That is why he was also called Edom.)
31Jacob replied, “First sell me your birthright.”
32“Look, I am about to die,” Esau said. “What good is the birthright to me?”
33But Jacob said, “Swear to me first.” So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob.
34Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left.
So Esau despised his birthright.
GENESIS 24
Isaac and Rebekah
1Abraham was now very old, and the Lordhad blessed him in every way. 2He said to the senior servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, “Put your hand under my thigh. 3I want you to swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, 4but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac.”
5The servant asked him, “What if the woman is unwilling to come back with me to this land? Shall I then take your son back to the country you came from?”
6“Make sure that you do not take my son back there,” Abraham said. 7“The Lord, the God of heaven, who brought me out of my father’s household and my native land and who spoke to me and promised me on oath, saying, ‘To your offspring I will give this land’—he will send his angel before you so that you can get a wife for my son from there. 8If the woman is unwilling to come back with you, then you will be released from this oath of mine. Only do not take my son back there.” 9So the servant put his hand under the thigh of his master Abraham and swore an oath to him concerning this matter.
10Then the servant left, taking with him ten of his master’s camels loaded with all kinds of good things from his master. He set out for Aram Naharaim and made his way to the town of Nahor. 11He had the camels kneel down near the well outside the town; it was toward evening, the time the women go out to draw water.
12Then he prayed, “Lord, God of my master Abraham, make me successful today, and show kindness to my master Abraham. 13See, I am standing beside this spring, and the daughters of the townspeople are coming out to draw water. 14May it be that when I say to a young woman, ‘Please let down your jar that I may have a drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too’—let her be the one you have chosen for your servant Isaac. By this I will know that you have shown kindness to my master.”
15Before he had finished praying, Rebekah came out with her jar on her shoulder. She was the daughter of Bethuel son of Milkah, who was the wife of Abraham’s brother Nahor. 16The woman was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever slept with her. She went down to the spring, filled her jar and came up again.
17The servant hurried to meet her and said, “Please give me a little water from your jar.”
18“Drink, my lord,” she said, and quickly lowered the jar to her hands and gave him a drink.
19After she had given him a drink, she said, “I’ll draw water for your camels too, until they have had enough to drink.” 20So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough, ran back to the well to draw more water, and drew enough for all his camels. 21Without saying a word, the man watched her closely to learn whether or not the Lordhad made his journey successful.
22When the camels had finished drinking, the man took out a gold nose ring weighing a beka and two gold bracelets weighing ten shekels. 23Then he asked, “Whose daughter are you? Please tell me, is there room in your father’s house for us to spend the night?”
24She answered him, “I am the daughter of Bethuel, the son that Milkah bore to Nahor.” 25And she added, “We have plenty of straw and fodder, as well as room for you to spend the night.”
26Then the man bowed down and worshiped the Lord, 27saying, “Praise be to the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who has not abandoned his kindness and faithfulness to my master. As for me, the Lordhas led me on the journey to the house of my master’s relatives.”
28The young woman ran and told her mother’s household about these things. 29Now Rebekah had a brother named Laban, and he hurried out to the man at the spring. 30As soon as he had seen the nose ring, and the bracelets on his sister’s arms, and had heard Rebekah tell what the man said to her, he went out to the man and found him standing by the camels near the spring. 31“Come, you who are blessed by the Lord,” he said. “Why are you standing out here? I have prepared the house and a place for the camels.”
32So the man went to the house, and the camels were unloaded. Straw and fodder were brought for the camels, and water for him and his men to wash their feet. 33Then food was set before him, but he said, “I will not eat until I have told you what I have to say.”
“Then tell us,” Laban said.
34So he said, “I am Abraham’s servant. 35The Lordhas blessed my master abundantly, and he has become wealthy. He has given him sheep and cattle, silver and gold, male and female servants, and camels and donkeys. 36My master’s wife Sarah has borne him a son in her old age, and he has given him everything he owns. 37And my master made me swear an oath, and said, ‘You must not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I live, 38but go to my father’s family and to my own clan, and get a wife for my son.’
39“Then I asked my master, ‘What if the woman will not come back with me?’
40“He replied, ‘The Lord, before whom I have walked faithfully, will send his angel with you and make your journey a success, so that you can get a wife for my son from my own clan and from my father’s family. 41You will be released from my oath if, when you go to my clan, they refuse to give her to you—then you will be released from my oath.’
42“When I came to the spring today, I said, ‘Lord, God of my master Abraham, if you will, please grant success to the journey on which I have come. 43See, I am standing beside this spring. If a young woman comes out to draw water and I say to her, “Please let me drink a little water from your jar,” 44and if she says to me, “Drink, and I’ll draw water for your camels too,” let her be the one the Lordhas chosen for my master’s son.’
45“Before I finished praying in my heart, Rebekah came out, with her jar on her shoulder. She went down to the spring and drew water, and I said to her, ‘Please give me a drink.’
46“She quickly lowered her jar from her shoulder and said, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too.’ So I drank, and she watered the camels also.
47“I asked her, ‘Whose daughter are you?’
“She said, ‘The daughter of Bethuel son of Nahor, whom Milkah bore to him.’
“Then I put the ring in her nose and the bracelets on her arms, 48and I bowed down and worshiped the Lord. I praised the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who had led me on the right road to get the granddaughter of my master’s brother for his son. 49Now if you will show kindness and faithfulness to my master, tell me; and if not, tell me, so I may know which way to turn.”
50Laban and Bethuel answered, “This is from the Lord; we can say nothing to you one way or the other. 51Here is Rebekah; take her and go, and let her become the wife of your master’s son, as the Lordhas directed.”
52When Abraham’s servant heard what they said, he bowed down to the ground before the Lord. 53Then the servant brought out gold and silver jewelry and articles of clothing and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave costly gifts to her brother and to her mother. 54Then he and the men who were with him ate and drank and spent the night there.
When they got up the next morning, he said, “Send me on my way to my master.”
55But her brother and her mother replied, “Let the young woman remain with us ten days or so; then you may go.”
56But he said to them, “Do not detain me, now that the Lordhas granted success to my journey. Send me on my way so I may go to my master.”
57Then they said, “Let’s call the young woman and ask her about it.” 58So they called Rebekah and asked her, “Will you go with this man?”
“I will go,” she said.
59So they sent their sister Rebekah on her way, along with her nurse and Abraham’s servant and his men. 60And they blessed Rebekah and said to her,
“Our sister, may you increase
to thousands upon thousands;
may your offspring possess
the cities of their enemies.”
61Then Rebekah and her attendants got ready and mounted the camels and went back with the man. So the servant took Rebekah and left.
62Now Isaac had come from Beer Lahai Roi, for he was living in the Negev. 63He went out to the field one evening to meditate, and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. 64Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac. She got down from her camel 65and asked the servant, “Who is that man in the field coming to meet us?”
“He is my master,” the servant answered. So she took her veil and covered herself.
66Then the servant told Isaac all he had done. 67Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.
The Death of Sarah
1Sarah lived to be a hundred and twenty-seven years old. 2She died at Kiriath Arba (that is, Hebron) in the land of Canaan, and Abraham went to mourn for Sarah and to weep over her.
3Then Abraham rose from beside his dead wife and spoke to the Hittites. He said, 4“I am a foreigner and stranger among you. Sell me some property for a burial site here so I can bury my dead.”
5The Hittites replied to Abraham, 6“Sir, listen to us. You are a mighty prince among us. Bury your dead in the choicest of our tombs. None of us will refuse you his tomb for burying your dead.”
7Then Abraham rose and bowed down before the people of the land, the Hittites. 8He said to them, “If you are willing to let me bury my dead, then listen to me and intercede with Ephron son of Zohar on my behalf 9so he will sell me the cave of Machpelah, which belongs to him and is at the end of his field. Ask him to sell it to me for the full price as a burial site among you.”
10Ephron the Hittite was sitting among his people and he replied to Abraham in the hearing of all the Hittites who had come to the gate of his city. 11“No, my lord,” he said. “Listen to me; I give you the field, and I give you the cave that is in it. I give it to you in the presence of my people. Bury your dead.”
12Again Abraham bowed down before the people of the land 13and he said to Ephron in their hearing, “Listen to me, if you will. I will pay the price of the field. Accept it from me so I can bury my dead there.”
14Ephron answered Abraham, 15“Listen to me, my lord; the land is worth four hundred shekels of silver, but what is that between you and me? Bury your dead.”
16Abraham agreed to Ephron’s terms and weighed out for him the price he had named in the hearing of the Hittites: four hundred shekels of silver, according to the weight current among the merchants.
17So Ephron’s field in Machpelah near Mamre—both the field and the cave in it, and all the trees within the borders of the field—was deeded 18to Abraham as his property in the presence of all the Hittites who had come to the gate of the city. 19Afterward Abraham buried his wife Sarah in the cave in the field of Machpelah near Mamre (which is at Hebron) in the land of Canaan. 20So the field and the cave in it were deeded to Abraham by the Hittites as a burial site.
GENESIS 21
The Birth of Isaac
1Now the Lordwas gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lorddid for Sarah what he had promised. 2Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. 3Abraham gave the name Isaac to the son Sarah bore him. 4When his son Isaac was eight days old, Abraham circumcised him, as God commanded him. 5Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him.
6Sarah said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.” 7And she added, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.”
Hagar and Ishmael Sent Away
8The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast. 9But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, 10and she said to Abraham, “Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that woman’s son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac.”
11The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son. 12But God said to him, “Do not be so distressed about the boy and your slave woman. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because it is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned. 13I will make the son of the slave into a nation also, because he is your offspring.”
14Early the next morning Abraham took some food and a skin of water and gave them to Hagar. He set them on her shoulders and then sent her off with the boy. She went on her way and wandered in the Desert of Beersheba.
15When the water in the skin was gone, she put the boy under one of the bushes. 16Then she went off and sat down about a bowshot away, for she thought, “I cannot watch the boy die.” And as she sat there, she began to sob.
17God heard the boy crying, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, “What is the matter, Hagar? Do not be afraid; God has heard the boy crying as he lies there. 18Lift the boy up and take him by the hand, for I will make him into a great nation.”
19Then God opened her eyes and she saw a well of water. So she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink.
20God was with the boy as he grew up. He lived in the desert and became an archer. 21While he was living in the Desert of Paran, his mother got a wife for him from Egypt.
The Treaty at Beersheba
22At that time Abimelek and Phicol the commander of his forces said to Abraham, “God is with you in everything you do. 23Now swear to me here before God that you will not deal falsely with me or my children or my descendants. Show to me and the country where you now reside as a foreigner the same kindness I have shown to you.”
24Abraham said, “I swear it.”
25Then Abraham complained to Abimelek about a well of water that Abimelek’s servants had seized. 26But Abimelek said, “I don’t know who has done this. You did not tell me, and I heard about it only today.”
27So Abraham brought sheep and cattle and gave them to Abimelek, and the two men made a treaty. 28Abraham set apart seven ewe lambs from the flock, 29and Abimelek asked Abraham, “What is the meaning of these seven ewe lambs you have set apart by themselves?”
30He replied, “Accept these seven lambs from my hand as a witness that I dug this well.”
31So that place was called Beersheba, because the two men swore an oath there.
32After the treaty had been made at Beersheba, Abimelek and Phicol the commander of his forces returned to the land of the Philistines. 33Abraham planted a tamarisk tree in Beersheba, and there he called on the name of the Lord, the Eternal God. 34And Abraham stayed in the land of the Philistines for a long time.
GENESIS 20
Abraham and Abimelek
1Now Abraham moved on from there into the region of the Negev and lived between Kadesh and Shur. For a while he stayed in Gerar, 2and there Abraham said of his wife Sarah, “She is my sister.” Then Abimelek king of Gerar sent for Sarah and took her.
3But God came to Abimelek in a dream one night and said to him, “You are as good as dead because of the woman you have taken; she is a married woman.”
4Now Abimelek had not gone near her, so he said, “Lord, will you destroy an innocent nation? 5Did he not say to me, ‘She is my sister,’ and didn’t she also say, ‘He is my brother’? I have done this with a clear conscience and clean hands.”
6Then God said to him in the dream, “Yes, I know you did this with a clear conscience, and so I have kept you from sinning against me. That is why I did not let you touch her. 7Now return the man’s wife, for he is a prophet, and he will pray for you and you will live. But if you do not return her, you may be sure that you and all who belong to you will die.”
8Early the next morning Abimelek summoned all his officials, and when he told them all that had happened, they were very much afraid. 9Then Abimelek called Abraham in and said, “What have you done to us? How have I wronged you that you have brought such great guilt upon me and my kingdom? You have done things to me that should never be done.” 10And Abimelek asked Abraham, “What was your reason for doing this?”
11Abraham replied, “I said to myself, ‘There is surely no fear of God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife.’ 12Besides, she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and she became my wife. 13And when God had me wander from my father’s household, I said to her, ‘This is how you can show your love to me: Everywhere we go, say of me, “He is my brother.” ’ ”
14Then Abimelek brought sheep and cattle and male and female slaves and gave them to Abraham, and he returned Sarah his wife to him. 15And Abimelek said, “My land is before you; live wherever you like.”
16To Sarah he said, “I am giving your brother a thousand shekels of silver. This is to cover the offense against you before all who are with you; you are completely vindicated.”
17Then Abraham prayed to God, and God healed Abimelek, his wife and his female slaves so they could have children again, 18for the Lordhad kept all the women in Abimelek’s household from conceiving because of Abraham’s wife Sarah.
After a long time I am back! God’s blessings and love to all.
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The entire Shrek 2 script
[man’s voice] Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl.
And throughout the land, everyone was happy… until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night.
Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss… of the handsome Prince Charming.
[horse whinnies] It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the Dragon’s keep.
[crows caw] For he was the bravest, and most handsome… in all the land.
And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse.
He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to enter the princess’s chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to find her…
[gasps] What? – Princess… Fiona? – No! [sighs relief] Oh, thank heavens. Where is she? – She’s on her honeymoon. – Honeymoon? With whom?
[ Counting Crows: Accidentally In Love] So she said what’s the problem, baby? What’s the problem? I don’t know Well, maybe I’m in love Think about it every time I think ’bout it Can’t stop thinking ’bout it How much longer will it take to cure this? Just to cure it, ’cause I can’t ignore it If it’s love, love Makes me wanna turn around and face me But I don’t know nothing ’bout love Oh, come on, come on – [screams] – Turn a little faster Come on, come on The world will follow after Come on, come on Everybody’s after love So I said I’m a snowball running Running down into this spring that’s coming all this love Melting under blue skies belting out sunlight Shimmering love Well, baby, I surrender To the strawberry ice cream Never ever end of all this love Well, I didn’t mean to do it But there’s no escaping your love These lines of lightning mean we’re never alone Never alone, no, no Come on, come on Jump a little higher Come on, come on If you feel a little lighter Come on, come on We were once upon a time in love Hyah! We’re accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally in love Accidentally I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love I’m in love, I’m in love Accidentally in love I’m in love I’m in love
It’s so good to be home! – [distant singing] – [giggling] Just you and me and… [Donkey sings] – Two can be as bad as one… – Donkey?
Shrek! Fiona! Aren’t you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. [chuckles] And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How ’bout a side of sugar for the steed?
Donkey, what are you doing here? Taking care of your love nest for you. Oh, you mean like… sorting the mail and watering the plants? – Yeah, and feeding the fish! – I don’t have any fish. You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona. That Shrek is a rascally devil. Get your…
Look at the time. I guess you’d better be going. Don’t you want to tell me about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi? Actually, Donkey? Shouldn’t you be getting home to Dragon? Oh, yeah, that. I don’t know. She’s been all moody and stuff lately. I thought I’d move in with you.
You know we’re always happy to see you, Donkey. But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone. Say no more. You don’t have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you.
Donkey! – Yes, roomie? You’re bothering me. Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess… Me and Pinocchio was going to catch a tournament, anyway, so… Maybe I’ll see y’all Sunday for a barbecue or something.
He’ll be fine. Now, where were we? [giggles] Oh. I think I remember. – Donkey! – [Fiona yelps] I know, I know! Alone! I’m going! I’m going. What do you want me to tell these other guys? [fanfare] [ theme to Hawaii Five-O] Enough, Reggie. [clears throat]
“Dearest Princess Fiona. “You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away “for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage “at which time the King “will bestow his royal blessing… upon you and your…” uh…”Prince Charming. “Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. “aka Mom and Dad.” Mom and Dad?
Prince Charming? – Royal ball? Can I come? – We’re not going. – [both] What? I mean, don’t you think they might be a bit… shocked to see you like this? [chuckles] Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they’re my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don’t worry. They’ll love you, too.
Yeah, right. Somehow I don’t think I’ll be welcome at the country club. Stop it. They’re not like that. How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band? Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance.
To do what? Sharpen their pitchforks? No! They just want to give you their blessing. Oh, great. Now I need their blessing? If you want to be a part of this family, yes! Who says I want to be part of this family? You did! When you married me! Well, there’s some fine print for you! [exasperated sigh]
So that’s it. You won’t come? Trust me. It’s a bad idea. We are not going! And that’s final! Come on! We don’t want to hit traffic! [Gingy] Don’t worry! We’ll take care of everything. [all cheer] – Hey, wait for me. Oof! – [glass breaks] [sighs]
[ Chic: Le Freak] Hit it! Move ’em on! Head ’em up! Head ’em up, move ’em on! Head ’em up! Rawhide! Move ’em on! Head ’em up! Move ’em on! Move ’em on! Head ’em up! Rawhide! Ride ’em up! Move ’em on! Head ’em up! Move ’em on! Rawhide! Knock ’em out! Pound ’em dead! Make ’em tea! Buy ’em drinks! Meet their mamas! Milk ’em hard! Rawhide! Yee-haw!
[Donkey] Are we there yet? – [Shrek] No. – [Donkey] Are we there yet? – [Fiona] Not yet. – [Donkey] OK, are we there yet? – [Fiona] No. – [Donkey] Are we there yet? – [Shrek] No! – [Donkey] Are we there yet? – [Shrek] Yes. – Really? – No! – Are we there yet? – [Fiona] No! – Are we there yet? – [Shrek] We are not! – Are we there yet? – [Shrek & Fiona] No! – Are we there yet? – [Shrek mimics] – That’s not funny. That’s really immature. – [Shrek mimics] – This is why nobody likes ogres. – [Shrek mimics] – Your loss! – [Shrek mimics] – I’m gonna just stop talking. – Finally!
This is taking forever, Shrek. There’s no in-flight movie or nothing! The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey. That’s where we’re going. Far, far… [softly] away! All right, all right, I get it. I’m just so darn bored. Well, find a way to entertain yourself.
[sighs] [deep sigh] [clicks tongue] [popping] – [popping] – [exasperated sigh] For five minutes… Could you not be yourself… [shouts]… for five minutes! – [popping] – [shrieks] Are we there yet? – [chuckles] Yes! – Oh, finally! [fanfare]
[ Lipps, Inc: Funkytown] Wow! It’s going to be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on. Hey, good-looking! We’ll be back to pick you up later! Gotta make a move to a town that’s right for me We are definitely not in the swamp anymore. [whistle] Halt! Well, I talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it Hey, everyone, look. Talk about, talk about movin’…
Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh? You working that hat. [Donkey] Swimming pools! Movie stars! [cheering] [applause] [fanfare] Announcing the long-awaited return of the beautiful Princess Fiona and her new husband. Well, this is it. – This is it. – This is it. This is it. [fanfare] [fanfare and cheering stop] [gasps] [tweeting] [baby wails]
Uh… why don’t you guys go ahead? I’ll park the car. [chuckles] So… you still think this was a good idea? Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look happy to see us. – [softly] Who on earth are they? – [softly] I think that’s our little girl. That’s not little! That’s a really big problem. Wasn’t she supposed to kiss Prince Charming and break the spell? Well, he’s no Prince Charming, but they do look… [softly] Happy now?
We came. We saw them. Now let’s go before they light the torches. – They’re my parents. – Hello? They locked you in a tower. That was for my own… Good! Here’s our chance. Let’s go back inside and pretend we’re not home. Harold, we have to be…
Quick! While they’re not looking we can make a run for it. Shrek, stop it! Everything’s gonna be… A disaster! There is no way… – You can do this. – I really… – Really… – don’t… want… to… be… Here! Mom… Dad… I’d like you to meet my husband… Shrek. Well, um… It’s easy to see where Fiona gets her good looks from. [chuckles nervously] [gulps] [belches]
Excuse me. – [Shrek & Fiona laugh] Better out than in, I always say, eh, Fiona? [both giggle] [Shrek] That’s good. I guess not. What do you mean, “not on the list”? Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am. What do you mean, “not on the list”? Don’t tell me you don’t know who I am.
What’s happening, everybody? Thanks for waiting. – I had the hardest time finding this place. – No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down! No, Dad! It’s all right. It’s all right. He’s with us. – He helped rescue me from the dragon. – That’s me: the noble steed. Waiter! How ’bout a bowl for the steed? Oh, boy.
[slurps] – Um, Shrek? – Yeah? Oh, sorry! Great soup, Mrs Q. Mmm! No, no. Darling. [chuckles nervously] Oh! So, Fiona, tell us about where you live. Well… Shrek owns his own land. – Don’t you, honey? – Oh, yes! It’s in an enchanted forest abundant in squirrels and cute little duckies and… [laughing] What? I know you ain’t talking about the swamp. An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How original. I suppose that would be a fine place to raise the children.
[splutters] – [chokes] It’s a bit early to be thinking about that, isn’t it? – Indeed. I just started eating. – Harold! – What’s that supposed to mean? – Dad. It’s great, OK? – For his type, yes. – My type? I got to go to the bathroom. – Dinner is served! – Never mind. I can hold it. Bon appetit! Oh, Mexican food! My favorite. Let’s not sit here with our tummies rumbling. Everybody dig in. Don’t mind if I do, Lillian. I suppose any grandchildren I could expect from you would be… Ogres, yes!
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Right, Harold? Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is, assuming you don’t eat your own young! Dad! No, we usually prefer the ones who’ve been locked away in a tower! – Shrek, please! – I only did that because I love her. Aye, day care or dragon-guarded castle.
You wouldn’t understand. You’re not her father! It’s so nice to have the family together for dinner. – Harold! – Shrek! – Fiona! – Fiona! – Mom! – Harold… Donkey!
[glissando] Your fallen tears have called to me So, here comes my sweet remedy I know what every princess needs For her to live life happily… [both gasp] Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You’re all grown up. – Who are you? – Oh, sweet pea! I’m your fairy godmother. – I have a fairy godmother? – Shush, shush. Now, don’t worry. I’m here to make it all better.
With just a… Wave of my magic wand Your troubles will soon be gone With a flick of the wrist and just a flash You’ll land a prince with a ton of cash A high-priced dress made by mice no less Some crystal glass pumps And no more stress Your worries will vanish, your soul will cleanse Confide in your very own furniture friends We’ll help you set a new fashion trend – I’ll make you fancy, I’ll make you great – The kind of girl a prince would date! They’ll write your name on the bathroom wall… “For a happy ever after, give Fiona a call!” A sporty carriage to ride in style, Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle
Banish your blemishes, tooth decay, Cellulite thighs will fade away And oh, what the hey! Have a bichon frisé! ‘ Nip and tuck, here and there to land that prince with the perfect hair Lipstick liners, shadows blush To get that prince with the sexy tush Lucky day, hunk buffet You and your prince take a roll in the hay You can spoon on the moon With the prince to the tune Don’t be drab, you’ll be fab Your prince will have rock-hard abs Cheese soufflé, Valentine’s Day Have some chicken fricassee! Stop!
[chuckles] Look… Thank you very much, Fairy Godmother, but I really don’t need all this. [gasps and mutterings of disapproval] – Fine. Be that way. – We didn’t like you, anyway. – [knocking] – [Shrek] Fiona? Fiona? [dog barks] Oh! You got a puppy? All I got in my room was shampoo. Oh, uh… Fairy Godmother, furniture…
[giggles] I’d like you to meet my husband, Shrek. Your husband? What? What did you say? When did this happen? Shrek is the one who rescued me. – But that can’t be right. – Oh, great, more relatives! She’s just trying to help. Good! She can help us pack. Get your coat, dear. We’re leaving.
What? – I don’t want to leave. When did you decide this? – Shortly after arriving. – Look, I’m sorry… No, that’s all right. I need to go, anyway. But remember, dear. If you should ever need me… happiness… is just a teardrop away.
Thanks, but we’ve got all the happiness we need. Happy, happy, happy… [laughs] So I see. Let’s go, Kyle. – Very nice, Shrek. – What? I told you coming here was a bad idea. You could’ve at least tried to get along with my father. I don’t think I was going to get Daddy’s blessing, even if I did want it. Do you think it might be nice if somebody asked me what I wanted?
Sure. Do you want me to pack for you? You’re unbelievable! You’re behaving like a… – Go on! Say it! – Like an ogre! Here’s a news flash for you! Whether your parents like it or not… I am an ogre! – [yelps] – [roars] And guess what, Princess? That’s not about to change. I’ve made changes for you, Shrek. Think about that.
That’s real smooth, Shrek. “I’m an ogre!” [mimics Shrek roaring] [sniffling] I knew this would happen. [Lillian] You should. You started it. I can hardly believe that, Lillian. He’s the ogre. Not me. I think, Harold, you’re taking this a little too personally. This is Fiona’s choice. But she was supposed to choose the prince we picked for her. I mean, you expect me to give my blessings to this… thing?
Fiona does. And she’ll never forgive you if you don’t. I don’t want to lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh, you act as if love is totally predictable. Don’t you remember when we were young? We used to walk down by the lily pond and… – they were in bloom… – Our first kiss. It’s not the same! I don’t think you realize that our daughter has married a monster!
Oh, stop being such a drama king. Fine! Pretend there’s nothing wrong! La, di, da, di, da! Isn’t it all wonderful! I’d like to know how it could get any worse! – Hello, Harold. – [gasps] – What happened? – Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade wound playing up a bit! [chuckles] I’ll just stretch it out here for a while.
You better get in. We need to talk. Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to bed. [yawns] Already taken my pills, and they tend to make me a bit drowsy. So, how about… we make this a quick visit. What? Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what’s new? You remember my son, Prince Charming? Is that you? My gosh! It’s been years. When did you get back?
Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert… I climbed to the highest room in the tallest tower… Mommy can handle this.
He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower… And what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married.
It wasn’t my fault. He didn’t get there in time. Stop the car! [crash] Harold. You force me to do something I really don’t want to do. [gasps] Where are we? Hi. Welcome to Friar’s Fat Boy! May I take your order? My diet is ruined! I hope you’re happy. Er… okay. Two Renaissance Wraps, no mayo… chili rings… – I’ll have the Medieval Meal. – One Medieval Meal and, Harold… – Curly fries? – No, thank you. – Sourdough soft taco, then? – No, really, I’m fine.
Your order, Fairy Godmother. This comes with the Medieval Meal. There you are, dear. We made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don’t want me to go back on my part. [sighs deeply] Indeed not. So, Fiona and Charming will be together. – Yes. – Believe me, Harold. It’s what’s best. Not only for your daughter… but for your Kingdom.
What am I supposed to do about it? Use your imagination. [whooshing] [whinnies] Oh… Come on in, Your Majesty. [piano plays, people talk] I like my town With a little drop of poison Nobody knows… [barman belches] [clears throat]
Excuse me. Do I know you? No, you must be mistaking me for someone else. Uh… excuse me. I’m looking for the Ugly Stepsister. Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I need to have someone taken care of. – Who’s the guy? – Well, he’s not a guy, per se. Um… He’s an ogre. [crowd gasp]
Hey, buddy, let me clue you in. There’s only one fellow who can handle a job like that, and, frankly… he don’t like to be disturbed. he don’t like to be disturbed. Where could I find him? [knock on door] Hello? Who dares enter my room? Sorry! I hope I’m not interrupting, but I’m told you’re the one to talk to about an ogre problem? You are told correct. But for this, I charge a great deal of money.
Would… this be enough? You have engaged my valuable services, Your Majesty. Just tell me where I can find this ogre.
[ Eels: I Need Some Sleep] [snoring] [chimes] Everyone says I’m getting down too low Everyone says you’ve just gotta let it go You just gotta let it go I need some sleep Time to put the old horse down I’m in too deep And the wheels keep spinning round Everyone says you’ve just gotta let it go Everyone says you’ve just gotta let it go
Dear Knight, I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. [plays tune] Dear Diary… Sleeping Beauty is having a slumber party tomorrow, but Dad says I can’t go. He never lets me out after sunset. Dad says I’m going away for a while. Must be like some finishing school. Mom says that when I’m old enough, my Prince Charming will rescue me from my tower and bring me back to my family, and we’ll all live happily ever after.
Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona Charming. [echoing] Mrs. Fiona Charming. [knock on door] Sorry. I hope I’m not interrupting anything. No, no. I was just reading a, uh… a scary book. I was hoping you’d let me apologize for my despicable behavior earlier.
Okay… – I don’t know what came over me. Do you suppose we could pretend it never happened and start over… – Look, Your Majesty, I just… – Please. Call me Dad. Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe we just need some time to get to know each other.
Excellent idea! I was actually hoping you might join me for a morning hunt. A little father-son time? I know it would mean the world to Fiona. [sighs] Shall we say, : by the old oak?
[birds twitter] [Shrek] Face it, Donkey! We’re lost. We can’t be lost. We followed the King’s instructions exactly. “Head to the darkest part of the woods…” “Past the sinister trees with scary-looking branches.” – The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey! – We passed that three times already! You were the one who said not to stop for directions. Oh, great. My one chance to fix things up with Fiona’s dad and I end up lost in the woods with you! Don’t get huffy! I’m only trying to help.
I know! I know. – I’m sorry, all right? – Hey, don’t worry about it. I just really need to make things work with this guy. Yeah, sure. Now let’s go bond with Daddy. [purring] [purring] Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring? What? I ain’t purring. Sure. What’s next? A hug? Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don’t purr. What do you think I am, some kind of a… Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare! [hisses] Look! A little cat.
Look out, Shrek! He got a piece! – It’s a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty. Come on, little kitty. Come here. Oh! Come here, little kitty. – [screaming] – Whoa! – Hold on, Shrek! I’m coming! – Come on! Get it off! Get it off! Oh, God. Oh… No! – Look out, Shrek! Hold still! – Get it off! Shrek! Hold still! – Did I miss? – No. You got them.
Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from… Puss… in Boots! I’ll kill that cat! Ah-ha-ha! [coughs] [wheezes] [retches] [coughs] – [chuckles] Hairball. – Oh! That is nasty! What should we do with him? Take the sword and neuter him. Give him the Bob Barker treatment. Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor. I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The King offered me much in gold and I have a litter of brothers…
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona’s father paid you to do this? The rich King? Sí. [screams] Well, so much for Dad’s royal blessing. Don’t feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you. Gee, thanks. Maybe Fiona would’ve been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming. That’s what the King said. Oh, uh… sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.
Shrek, Fiona knows you’d do anything for her. Well, it’s not like I wouldn’t change if I could. I just… I just wish I could make her happy. Hold the phone… “Happiness.” “A tear drop away.”
Donkey! Think of the saddest thing that’s ever happened to you! Aw, man, where do I begin? First there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. Then this fool had a party and he have the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got drunk and start beating me with a stick, going “Piñata!!” What is a piñata, anyway?
No, Donkey! I need you to cry! Don’t go projecting on me. I know you’re feeling bad, but you got to… Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litter-licking sack of… What? Is it on? Is it on? [clears throat] This is Fairy Godmother. I’m either away from my desk or with a client. But if you come by the office, we’ll be glad to make you an appointment. Have a “happy ever after.”
Oh… Are you up for a little quest, Donkey? That’s more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! Ain’t no stoppin’ us now! Whoo! We’re on the move! – Stop, Ogre! I have misjudged you. – Join the club. We’ve got jackets.
On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life as you have spared me mine. The position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let’s go, Shrek. Shrek? – Shrek! – Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him… in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly.
Let’s keep him! – Say what? [purrs] Ahh! Listen. He’s purring! – Oh, so now it’s cute. – Come on, Donkey. Lighten up. Lighten up? I should lighten up? Look who’s telling who to lighten up!
[giggles] Shrek! [barks] [barks] Shrek? They’re both festive, aren’t they? What do you think, Harold? Um… Yes, yes. Fine. Fine. [sighs] Try to at least pretend you’re interested in your daughter’s wedding ball. Honestly, Lillian, I don’t think it matters. How do we know there will even be a ball?
Mom. Dad. – Oh, hello, dear. – What’s that, Cedric? Right! Coming. Mom, have you seen Shrek? I haven’t. You should ask your father. Be sure and use small words, dear. He’s a little slow this morning. – Can I help you, Your Majesty? – Ah, yes! Um… Mmm! Exquisite. What do you call this dish? That would be the dog’s breakfast, Your Majesty. Ah, yes. Very good, then. Carry on, Cedric.
Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek? – No, I haven’t, dear. I’m sure he just went off to look for a nice… mud hole to cool down in. You know, after your little spat last night. Oh. You heard that, huh? The whole kingdom heard you. I mean, after all, it is in his nature to be… well, a bit of a brute. Him? You know, you didn’t exactly roll out the Welcome Wagon.
Well, what did you expect? Look at what he’s done to you. Shrek loves me for who I am. I would think you’d be happy for me. Darling, I’m just thinking about what’s best for you. Maybe you should do the same.
[both whisper] No, really? [both laugh] [Shrek] Shh… Oh… [hooter blasts] Oh, no. That’s the old Keebler’s place. Let’s back away slowly. That’s the Fairy Godmother’s cottage. She’s the largest producer of hexes and potions in the whole kingdom. Then why don’t we pop in there for a spell? Ha-ha! Spell! [Puss in Boots shrieks with laughter]
[Puss in Boots] He makes me laugh. Hi. I’m here to see the… The Fairy Godmother. I’m sorry. She is not in. Jerome! Coffee and a Monte Cristo. Now! [sighs] Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. Look, she’s not seeing any clients today, OK? That’s OK, buddy. We’re from the union. The union?
We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign. Oh! Oh, right. Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed? Uh… a little. We don’t even have dental. They don’t even have dental. Okay, we’ll just have a look around. Oh. By the way. I think it’d be better if the Fairy Godmother didn’t know we were here. – Know what I’m saying? Huh? – Huh? Huh? Huh? – Stop it. – Of course. Go right in.
[voices and grinding machines] [explosion] A drop of desire. [giggles] Naughty! A pinch of passion. [laughs] And just a hint of… lust! [laughs] – [Shrek] Excuse me. – [gasps] Sorry to barge in like this… What in Grimm’s name are you doing here? Well, it seems that Fiona’s not exactly happy.
Oh-ho-ho! And there’s some question as to why that is? Well, let’s explore that, shall we? Ah. P, P, P… Princess. Cinderella. Here we are. “Lived happily ever after.” Oh… [laughs] No ogres! Let’s see. Snow White. A handsome prince. Oh, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres! Hansel and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. The Golden Bird, the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman… No, no, no, no, no! You see, ogres don’t live happily ever after.
All right, look, lady! Don’t you point… those dirty green sausages at me! Your Monte Cristo and coffee. Oh! Sorry. Ah… that’s okay. We were just leaving. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother. Just… go. Come on, guys.
[whistles tune] TGIF, eh, buddy? Working hard or hardly working, eh, Mac? Get your fine Corinthian footwear and your cat cheeks out of my face! Man, that stinks! You don’t exactly smell like a basket of roses. – Well, one of these has got to help. – I was just concocting this very plan! Already our minds are becoming one. Whoa, whoa. If we need an expert on licking ourselves, we’ll give you a call.
Shrek, this is a bad idea. Look. Make yourself useful and go keep watch. Puss, do you think you could get to those on top? No problema, boss. In one of my nine lives, I was the great cat burglar of Santiago de Compostela. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Shrek, are you off your nut? Donkey, keep watch. Keep watch? Yeah, I’ll keep watch. I’ll watch that wicked witch come and whammy a world of hurt up your backside. I’ll laugh, too. I’ll be giggling to myself.
What do you see? – Toad Stool Softener? I’m sure a nice BM is the perfect solution for marital problems. – Elfa Seltzer? – Uh-uh. – Hex Lax? – No! Try “handsome.” Sorry. No handsome. Hey! How about “Happily Ever After”? Well, what does it do? It says “Beauty Divine.” In some cultures, donkeys are revered as the wisest of creatures. Especially us talking ones.
[gasps] Donkey! That’ll have to do. We’ve got company. Can we get on with this? Hurry! Nice catch, Donkey! Finally! A good use for your mouth.
[ Pete Yorn: Ever Fallen In Love] Come on! You spurn my natural emotions You make me feel like dirt and I’m hurt And if I start a commotion I run the risk of losing you and that’s worse Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love In love with someone, ever fallen in love In love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love In love with someone, ever fallen in love With someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with Fallen in love with Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with
I don’t care whose fault it is. Just get this place cleaned up! And somebody bring me something deep fried and smothered in chocolate! – Mother! – Charming. Sweetheart. This isn’t a good time, pumpkin. Mama’s working. Whoa, what happened here? – The ogre, that’s what! – What? Where is he, Mom? I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me! Oh, put it away, Junior! You’re still going to be king. We’ll just have to come up with something smarter.
Pardon. Um… Everything is accounted for, Fairy Godmother, except for one potion. What? Oh… I do believe we can make this work to our advantage.
“Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. “For you and your true love. “If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. “Happiness, comfort and beauty divine.” – You both will be fine? – I guess it means it’ll affect Fiona, too. Hey, man, this don’t feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. Drop that jug o’ voodoo and let’s get out of here. It says, “Beauty Divine.” How bad can it be?
[sneezes] See, you’re allergic to that stuff. You’ll have a reaction. And if you think that I’ll be smearing Vapor Rub over your chest, think again! Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion… allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my life on the line for you. Oh, no, no. I don’t think so. If there’ll be any animal testing, I’ll do it. That’s the best friend’s job. Now give me that bottle. How do you feel? I don’t feel any different. I look any different? You still look like an ass to me.
Maybe it doesn’t work on donkeys. – Well, here’s to us, Fiona. – Shrek? – You drink that, there’s no going back. – I know. – No more wallowing in the mud? – I know. – No more itchy butt crack? – I know! – But you love being an ogre! – I know! But I love Fiona more. Shrek, no! Wait!
[gurgling] [farts] Got to be… I think you grabbed the “Farty Ever After” potion. Maybe it’s a dud. Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be. [thunder rumbles] Uh-oh. What did I tell you? I feel something coming on. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die! Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy. I’m melting! I’m melting!
It’s just the rain, Donkey. [chuckles] Oh. Don’t worry. Things seem bad because it’s dark and rainy and Fiona’s father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. [hisses] lt’ll be better in the morning. You’ll see… The sun’ll come out… Tomorrow [yawns] Bet your bottom… Bet my bottom? I’m coming, Elizabeth! Donkey? Are you all right? – Hey, boss. Let’s shave him. – D-Donkey? [groans] [Puss In Boots shrieks]
There you are! We missed you at dinner. What is it, darling? Dad… I’ve been thinking about what you said. And I’m going to set things right. Ah! Excellent! That’s my girl. It was a mistake to bring Shrek here. I’m going to go out and find him. And then we’ll go back to the swamp where we belong.
[Lillian] Fiona, please! Let’s not be rash, darling. You can’t go anywhere right now. [rain patters] [Both] Fiona! Look, I told you he was here. Look at him! Quiet. Look at him.
[Shrek groans] Good morning, sleepyhead. [Shrek shouts] [All] Good morning! We love your kitty! – [Shrek] Oh… My head… – Here, I fetched a pail of water. Thanks. Uhh! Aahh! Oh… A cute button nose? Thick, wavy locks? Taut, round buttocks? I’m… I’m… – Gorgeous! – I’ll say. I’m Jill. What’s your name? – Um… Shrek. – Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe? – You’re tense. – I want to rub his shoulders. – I got it covered. – I don’t have anything to rub. Get in line. Get in line.
Have you seen my donkey? – Who are you calling donkey? – Donkey? You’re a… – A stallion, baby! I can whinny. [whinnies] I can count. Look at me, Shrek! I’m trotting! That’s some quality potion. What’s in that stuff? “Oh, don’t take the potion, Mr. Boss, it’s very bad.” Pah! “Warning: Side effects may include burning, itching, oozing, weeping. “Not intended for heart patients or those with… nervous disorders.”
I’m trotting, I’m trotting in place! Yeah! What? Señor? “To make the effects of this potion permanent, “the drinker must obtain his true love’s kiss by midnight.” Midnight? Why is it always midnight? – Pick me! I’ll be your true love! – I’ll be your true love. I’ll be true… enough. Look, ladies, I already have a true love.
[all] Oh… And take it from me, Boss. You are going to have one satisfied Princess. And let’s face it. You are a lot easier on the eyes. Inside you’re the same old mean, salty… – Easy. …cantankerous, foul, angry ogre you always been.
And you’re still the same annoying donkey. – Yeah. – [sighs] Well… Look out, Princess. Here comes the new me. First things first. – We need to get you out of those clothes.
[all gasp] – Ready? – Ready! – [Donkey screams] – Driver, stop! Oh, God! Help me, please! My racing days are over! I’m blind! Tell the truth. Will I ever play the violin again? You poor creature! Is there anything I can do for you? Well, I guess there is one thing. Take off the powdered wig and step away from your drawers.
Not bad. – Not bad at all. [both laugh] Father? Is everything all right, Father? Thank you, gentlemen! Someday, I will repay you. Unless, of course, I can’t find you or if I forget. – [whinnies] – [Puss in Boots, in angry Spanish]
[ Butterfly Boocher: Changes] [ Butterfly Boocher: Changes] Oh, yeah Turn and face the strange Ch-Ch-Changes Don’t wanna be a richer one Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Turn and face the strange Ch-Ch-Changes Just gonna have to be a different man Time may change me But I can’t trace time Halt! Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see her. Still don’t know what I was looking for And my time was running wild, a million dead-end streets Every time I thought I’d got it made It seemed the taste was not so sweet
[screams] – Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes Turn and face the strange – Shrek? – Ch-Ch-Changes Don’t wanna be a richer one Time may change me But I can’t trace time Fiona? Hello, handsome. Shrek! – Princess! – Donkey? Wow! That potion worked on you, too? What potion? Shrek and I took some magic potion. And well… Now, we’re sexy! Shrek? [purrs] For you, baby… I could be. – Yeah, you wish.
Donkey, where is Shrek? He went inside looking for you. Shrek? Fiona! Fiona! You want to dance, pretty boy? Are you going so soon? Don’t you want to see your wife? Fiona? Shrek? Aye, Fiona. It is me. What happened to your voice? The potion changed a lot of things, Fiona. But not the way I feel about you. Fiona? – Charming? – Do you think so? [laughs] Dad. I was so hoping you’d approve.
Um… Who are you? – Mom, it’s me, Shrek. I know you never get a second chance at a first impression, but, well, what do you think? [Shrek in distance] Fiona! Fiona! Fiona! – Fiona! – Fiona, Fiona! Ho-ho-ho! Oh, shoot! I don’t think they can hear us, pigeon. [sighs deeply] Don’t you think you’ve already messed her life up enough? I just wanted her to be happy. And now she can be. Oh, sweetheart. She’s finally found the prince of her dreams. But look at me. Look what I’ve done for her. It’s time you stop living in a fairy tale, Shrek. She’s a princess, and you’re an ogre.
That’s something no amount of potion will ever change. But… I love her. If you really love her… you’ll let her go.
[ Nick Cave: People Ain’t No Good] [ Nick Cave: People Ain’t No Good] Shrek? Señor. What’s going on? Where are you going? You wouldn’t have had anything to do with this, would you, Harold? People just ain’t no good I think that’s well understood There you go, boys. Just leave the bottle, Doris. Hey. Why the long face? It was all just a stupid mistake. I never should have rescued her from that tower in the first place.
I hate Mondays. I can’t believe you’d walk away from the best thing that happened to you. What choice do I have? She loves that pretty boy, Prince Charming. Come on. Is he really that good-looking? Are you kidding? He’s gorgeous! He has a face that looks like it was carved by angels. – Oh. He sounds dreamy. – You know… shockingly, this isn’t making me feel any better.
Look, guys. It’s for the best. Mom and Dad approve, and Fiona gets the man she’s always dreamed of. Everybody wins. Except for you. I don’t get it, Shrek. You love Fiona. Aye. And that’s why I have to let her go.
Excuse me, is she here? She’s, uh… in the back. Oh, hello again. Fairy Godmother. Charming. You’d better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold. Well, I’m afraid Fiona isn’t really… warming up to Prince Charming. – FYI, not my fault. – No, of course it’s not, dear. I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend I’m that dreadful ogre? No, no, it’s nobody’s fault. Perhaps it’s best if we just call the whole thing off, okay?
[both] What? – You can’t force someone to fall in love! I beg to differ. I do it all the time! Have Fiona drink this and she’ll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming. – Umm… no. – What did you say? I can’t. I won’t do it. Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after.
That’s what I came here for! Thank you!
ewa
One comment a day until Shadman comes back. I’m in
Cue spongebob time card
He’ll be back.. eventually
OUR GAME DEVELOPERS HAVE SICK & TWISTED MINDS. ARE YOU AFRAID OF AGGRESSIVE SEX AND GRAPHIC VIOLENCE?
Yes
u guys are gay
Almost 8k comments
To all the horny people he said he’ll be back Thanksgiving time im pretty sure and he’s working on a lot more lewd stuff, just needs time but it sounds like whatever he’s working on is gonna be good
Some Niqqa put the Entire Shrek Script in the comments lmao
lol
Shaaaaaddd weeee neeed uuuu
He dead guys
He dead guys
gods work men
U got a big cock too?
I’m gonna make a commitment to leave a comment here everyday, you should all do the same
Add me on kik if you wanna see a big ass. Kik: leo_gotccake
U got a big cock too?
First time leaving a comment on this site, just wanted to say I hope you’re okay shad.
Kik justacityboy12
Come on 8k
7,600 baby! Lets go
Don’t mind me, just doin my work here
200 comments left :^)
Hit me up on snap (horny af)
@denisko0108
if ur in Georgia hmu on kik. Real_Rinsuko M Bi
15, really lonely (and horny), message me on discord at fat#1591
sorry, meant fat#6785, had to make a new account a while ago
stfu bro
In a nutshell protrayed by spongebob
Why are you people posting transcripts of movies on the comments
Reposting for the third time so i can find more ppl lol
Heya so idk ask me my age on my kik: suhkki. If youre weird at least be fat. Hate skinny guys.
SHREK
Written by
William Steig & Ted Elliott
SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love’s first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon’s keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love’s first kiss. (laughs)
Like that’s ever gonna happen. What
a load of – (toilet flush)
Allstar – by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.
NIGHT – NEAR SHREK’S HOME
MAN1
Think it’s in there?
MAN2
All right. Let’s get it!
MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?
MAN3
Yeah, it’ll grind your bones for it’s
bread.
Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they’re much worse.
They’ll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.
MEN
No!
SHREK
They’ll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it’s
quite good on toast.
MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)
Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.
SHREK
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) “Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures.”(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)
THE NEXT DAY
There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who’s carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
little pigs.
GUARD
All right. This one’s full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
HEAD GUARD
Next!
GUARD
(taking the witch’s broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)
HEAD GUARD
That’s 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Next!
GUARD
Get up! Come on!
HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.
LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.
DONKEY
Please, don’t turn me in. I’ll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
DONKEY
Oh!
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO
I’m not a puppet. I’m a real boy. (his
nose grows)
HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.
PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don’t let them do this!
Help me!
Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.
HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN
Well, I’ve got a talking donkey.
HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that’s good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Donkey just looks up at her.
HEAD GUARD
Well?
OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he’s just…he’s just a little
nervous. He’s really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt…
HEAD GUARD
That’s it. I’ve heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I’m the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.
HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan’s
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey’s head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he’s able to fly.
DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN
He can fly!
3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!
HEAD GUARD
He can talk!
DONKEY
Ha, ha! That’s right, fool! Now I’m
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)
He hits the ground with a thud.
HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!
GUARDS
He’s getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!
Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!
SHREK
Aye?
HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.
SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?
He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.
DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin’
back here. Incredible!
SHREK
Are you talkin’ to…(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!
DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin’ to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin’ over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.
SHREK
Oh, that’s great. Really.
DONKEY
Man, it’s good to be free.
SHREK
Now, why don’t you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY
But, uh, I don’t have any friends. And
I’m not goin’ out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I’ll
stick with you. You’re mean, green,
fightin’ machine. Together we’ll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
loudly.
DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don’t mind me sayin’, if that don’t
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, ’cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, ’cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time…(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
his hand.) …then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.
SHREK
Why are you following me?
DONKEY
I’ll tell you why. (singing) ‘Cause
I’m all alone, There’s no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There’s
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
faith…
SHREK
Stop singing! It’s no wonder you don’t
have any friends.
DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
cruelly honest.
SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
me. What am I?
DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh …really
tall?
SHREK
No! I’m an ogre! You know. “Grab your
torch and pitchforks.” Doesn’t that
bother you?
DONKEY
Nope.
SHREK
Really?
DONKEY
Really, really.
SHREK
Oh.
DONKEY
Man, I like you. What’s you name?
SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don’t-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
thing. I like that. I respect that,
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
a hill and you can see Shrek’s cottage.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who’d want to live
in place like that?
SHREK
That would be my home.
DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
You know you are quite a decorator.
It’s amazing what you’ve done with such
a modest budget. I like that boulder.
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
don’t entertain much, do you?
SHREK
I like my privacy.
DONKEY
You know, I do too. That’s another thing
we have in common. Like I hate it when
you got somebody in your face. You’ve
trying to give them a hint, and they
won’t leave. There’s that awkward silence.
(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
SHREK
Uh, what?
DONKEY
Can I stay with you, please?
SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Please! I don’t wanna go back there!
You don’t know what it’s like to be
considered a freak. (pause while he
looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
But that’s why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only.
DONKEY
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)
SHREK
What are you…? (Donkey hops up onto
a chair.) No! No!
DONKEY
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin’ manly stories, and in
the mornin’ I’m makin’ waffles.
SHREK
Oh!
DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?
SHREK
(irritated) Outside!
DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that’s cool. I mean,
I don’t know you, and you don’t know
me, so I guess outside is best, you
know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
like the outdoors. I’m a donkey. I was
born outside. I’ll just be sitting by
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I’m all alone…there’s
no one here beside me…
SHREK’S COTTAGE – NIGHT
Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
noise. He stands up with a huff.
SHREK
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
stay outside.
DONKEY
(from the window) I am outside.
There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.
BLIND MOUSE1
Well, gents, it’s a far cry from the
farm, but what choice do we have?
BLIND MOUSE2
It’s not home, but it’ll do just fine.
GORDO
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
SHREK
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
and lands on his shoulder.)
GORDO
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek’s
ear)
SHREK
Ow!
GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff.
BLIND MOUSE1
Is that you, Gordo?
GORDO
How did you know?
SHREK
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
from behind and he drops the mice.)
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
no, no. Dead broad off the table.
DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The
bed’s taken.
SHREK
Huh?
Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
him.
BIG BAD WOLF
What?
TIME LAPSE
Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
him to the front door.
SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m
a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
do get a little privacy? (He opens the
front door to throw the Wolf out and
he sees that all the collected Fairy
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
no. No! No!
The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land…etc.
SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
echoes and everyone falls silent.)
Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
tent.
SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you,
move it! Come on! Let’s go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
look at Donkey)
DONKEY
Hey, don’t look at me. I didn’t invite
them.
PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
SHREK
What?
PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here.
SHREK
(flabbergasted) By who?
LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
and he…signed an eviction notice.
SHREK
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
this Farquaad guy is?
Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.
DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is.
SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find
him? Anyone at all?
DONKEY
Me! Me!
SHREK
Anyone?
DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!
SHREK
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I’m gonna see this guy Farquaad
right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause.
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You’re comin’ with me.
DONKEY
All right, that’s what I like to hear,
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it!
DONKEY
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
with me, Shrek. I can’t wait to get
on the road again.
SHREK
What did I say about singing?
DONKEY
Can I whistle?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Can I hum it?
SHREK
All right, hum it.
Donkey begins to hum ‘On the Road Again’.
DULOC – KITCHEN
A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He’s continually
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.
FARQUAAD
That’s enough. He’s ready to talk.
The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
FARQUAAD
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man’s legs
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
as fast as you can. You can’t catch
me. I’m the gingerbread man.
GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.
FARQUAAD
I’m not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad’s
eye.)
FARQUAAD
I’ve tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I’ll…(he makes as if to
pull off the Gingerbread Man’s buttons)
GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
buttons.
FARQUAAD
All right then. Who’s hiding them?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I’ll tell you. Do you know the
muffin man?
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.
FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
on Drury Lane?
GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she’s married to the muffin man.
FARQUAAD
The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!
FARQUAAD
She’s married to the muffin man.
The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.
HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.
FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.
More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror.
GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh…
FARQUAAD
Magic mirror…
GINGERBREAD MAN
Don’t tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
him up and dumps him into a trash can
with a lid.) No!
FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
of them all?
MIRROR
Well, technically you’re not a king.
FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with his
fist.) You were saying?
MIRROR
What I mean is you’re not a king yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a princess.
FARQUAAD
Go on.
MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my lord, because it’s time
for you to meet today’s eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she’s not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not last, bachelorette number
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don’t let that cool you off. She’s
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?
GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?
THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my lord!
FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!
MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you’ve chosen Princess
Fiona.
FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She’s perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go…
MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.
FARQUAAD
I’ll do it.
MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset…
FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We’re going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)
DuLoc Parking Lot – Lancelot Section
Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.
DONKEY
But that’s it. That’s it right there.
That’s DuLoc. I told ya I’d find it.
SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad’s castle.
DONKEY
Uh-huh. That’s the place.
SHREK
Do you think maybe he’s compensating
for something? (He laughs, but then
groans as Donkey doesn’t get the joke.
He continues walking through the parking
lot.)
DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
MAN
Hurry, darling. We’re late. Hurry.
SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
Look, I’m not gonna eat you. I just
– – I just – – (He sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)
DULOC
They look around but all is quiet.
SHREK
It’s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
DONKEY
Hey, look at this!
Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked ‘Information’. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
to sing.
WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
Here we have some rules
Let us lay them down
Don’t make waves, stay in line
And we’ll get along fine
DuLoc is perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your… face
DuLoc is, DuLoc is
DuLoc is perfect place.
Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek’s picture.
DONKEY
Wow! Let’s do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)
SHREK
(grabs Donkey’s tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.
They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.
FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself…
As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.
SHREK
All right. You’re going the right way
for a smacked bottom.
DONKEY
Sorry about that.
FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor –
– no, no – – the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
that? It’s hideous!
SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
at Farquaad) Ah, that’s not very nice.
It’s just a donkey.
FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!
MEN
Get him!
SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)
CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!
SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can’t we just
settle this over a pint?
CROWD
Kill the beast!
SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!
He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other men and wetting the ground. It’s like mud now. Shrek slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of it’s ropes and begins to roll.
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I’m not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Shrek kicks butt.
DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
Shrek comes over and bangs a man’s head up against Donkeys. Shrek
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.
SHREK
Yeah!
A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
and sees him.
WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!
Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.
SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I’m here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek.
HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?
FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!
SHREK
What?
FARQUAAD
Congratulations, ogre. You’re won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.
SHREK
Quest? I’m already in a quest, a quest
to get my swamp back.
FARQUAAD
Your swamp?
SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!
FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I’ll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I’ll give you your swamp back.
SHREK
Exactly the way it was?
FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
SHREK
And the squatters?
FARQUAAD
As good as gone.
SHREK
What kind of quest?
Time Lapse – Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You’re gonna
go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back
a swamp which you only don’t have because
he filled it full of freaks in the first
place. Is that about right?
SHREK
You know, maybe there’s a good reason
donkeys shouldn’t talk.
DONKEY
I don’t get it. Why don’t you just pull
some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
his bones to make your bread, the whole
ogre trip.
SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village and put
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you?
DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no.
SHREK
For your information, there’s a lot
more to ogres than people think.
DONKEY
Example?
SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
(he holds out his onion)
DONKEY
(sniffs the onion) They stink?
SHREK
Yes – – No!
DONKEY
They make you cry?
SHREK
No!
DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get
all brown, start sproutin’ little white
hairs.
SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers! Onions have layers. You
get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
a sigh and then walks off)
DONKEY
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
SHREK
I don’t care… what everyone likes.
Ogres are not like cakes.
DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
you say, “Let’s get some parfait,” they
say, “Hell no, I don’t like no parfait”?
Parfaits are delicious.
SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.
SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming.
DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I’m
making a mess. Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.
They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.
DRAGON’S KEEP
Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that’s supposed to
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.
DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.
SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you’d
be dead. (sniffs) It’s brimstone. We
must be getting close.
DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don’t be talking
about it’s the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn’t no brimstone. It
didn’t come off no stone neither.
They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
foreboding.
SHREK
Sure, it’s big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs…then the laugh turns
into a groan)
DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
ogres have layers?
SHREK
Oh, aye.
DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don’t have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.
SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don’t have sleeves.
DONKEY
You know what I mean.
SHREK
You can’t tell me you’re afraid of heights.
DONKEY
No, I’m just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!
SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I’m right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we’ll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
Really, really.
DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
SHREK
Just keep moving. And don’t look down.
DONKEY
Okay, don’t look down. Don’t look down.
Don’t look down. Keep on moving. Don’t
look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Shrek! I’m lookin’ down!
Oh, God, I can’t do this! Just let me
off, please!
SHREK
But you’re already halfway.
DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!
SHREK
Okay, fine. I don’t have time for this.
You go back.
DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!
SHREK
Just, Donkey – – Let’s have a dance
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge)
DONKEY
Don’t do that!
SHREK
Oh, I’m sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)
DONKEY
Yes, that!
SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
the bridge)
DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
SHREK
You said do it! I’m doin’ it.
DONKEY
I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. Shrek,
I’m gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!
SHREK
That’ll do, Donkey. That’ll do. (walks
towards the castle)
DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?
SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)
DONKEY
I was talkin’ about the dragon, Shrek.
INSIDE THE CASTLE
DONKEY
You afraid?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
But…
SHREK
Shh.
DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) ‘Cause there’s nothin’ wrong
with bein’ afraid. Fear’s a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn’t mean you’re a coward
if you’re a little scared. I sure as
heck ain’t no coward. I know that.
SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut … up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.
DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin’ for
the princess.
SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.
DONKEY
What makes you think she’ll be there?
SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)
DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I’ll handle
the stairs. I’ll find those stairs.
I’ll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won’t know which way they’re goin’.
(walks off)
EMPTY ROOM
Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.
DONKEY
I’m gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don’t mess with me. I’m
the stair master. I’ve mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I’d step all over it.
ELSEWHERE
Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.
SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where’s the…
DONKEY
(os) Dragon!
Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes fire.
SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
on) Got ya!
The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it’s tail and Shrek
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.
DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!
Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge he’s on.
DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach,
’cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You’re
– – You’re a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you’re a girl dragon.
You’re just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
at him) What’s the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I’d really love to stay,
but you know, I’m, uh…(the dragon
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at him, and he coughs) I’m
an asthmatic, and I don’t know if it’d
work out if you’re gonna blow smoke
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA’S ROOM
Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.
FIONA
Oh! Oh!
SHREK
Wake up!
FIONA
What?
SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?
FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.
SHREK
Oh, that’s nice. Now let’s go!
FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?
SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There’s no time.
FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
SHREK
You’ve had a lot of time to plan this,
haven’t you?
FIONA
(smiles) Mm-hmm.
Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
the hallway.
FIONA
But we have to savor this moment! You
could recite an epic poem for me. A
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
SHREK
I don’t think so.
FIONA
Can I at least know the name of my champion?
SHREK
Uh, Shrek.
FIONA
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
out a handkerchief) I pray that you
take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
SHREK
Thanks!
Bored and high af snap : archerus23
Bored femboy, send me anything idk kik: labracadabrador_
add me on kik vodka.central, 14 and extremely bored
oh and my discord is n3rv35#2520
I can’t believe Shadman died. Good night, sweet prince, thanks for everything.
Fat ass traps hmu on kik: NickDylah
Although each of the world’s countries
would like to dispute this fact,
we French know the truth:
The best food in the world
is made in France.
The best food in France
is made in Paris.
And the best food in Paris, some say,
is made by Chef Auguste Gusteau.
Gusteau’s restaurant
is the toast of Paris,
booked five months in advance.
And his dazzling ascent
to the top of fine French cuisine
has made his competitors envious.
He is the youngest chef ever
to achieve a five-star rating.
Chef Gusteau’s cookbook,
Anyone Can Cook!
Climbed to the top of the bestseller list.
But not everyone
celebrates its success.
Amusing title, Anyone Can Cook!
What’s even more amusing is that
Gusteau actually seems to believe it.
I, on the other hand,
take cooking seriously.
And, no, I don’t think anyone can do it.
This is me.
I think it’s apparent
I need to rethink my life a little bit.
What’s my problem?
First of all, I’m a rat.
Which means life is hard.
And second, I have a highly developed
sense of taste and smell.
Flour, eggs, sugar, vanilla bean…
Oh! Small twist of lemon.
Whoa, you can smell all that?
You have a gift.
This is Emile, my brother.
He’s easily impressed.
So you can smell ingredients?
So what?
This is my dad. He’s never impressed.
He also happens to be
the leader of our clan.
So, what’s wrong
with having highly developed senses?
– Don’t eat that!
– What’s going on here?
Turns out that funny smell
was rat poison.
Suddenly, Dad didn’t think
my talent was useless.
I was feeling pretty good about my gift,
until Dad gave me a job.
Clean.
Clean.
That’s right. Poison checker.
Cleanerific.
Cleanerino.
Close to godliness.
Which means clean.
You know, cleanliness is close to…
Never mind. Move on.
Well, it made my dad proud.
Now, don’t you feel better, Remy?
You’ve helped a noble cause.
Noble? We’re thieves, Dad.
And what we’re stealing is,
let’s face it, garbage.
It isn’t stealing if no one wants it.
If no one wants it,
why are we stealing it?
Let’s just say
we have different points of view.
This much I knew:
If you are what you eat,
then I only want to eat the good stuff.
But to my dad…
Food is fuel.
You get picky about what you put
in the tank, your engine is gonna die.
Now shut up and eat your garbage.
Look, if we’re going to be thieves,
why not steal the good stuff
in the kitchen,
where nothing is poisoned?
First of all, we are not thieves.
Secondly, stay out of the kitchen
and away from the humans.
It’s dangerous.
I know
I’m supposed to hate humans,
but there’s something about them.
They don’t just survive.
They discover, they create.
I mean,
just look at what they do with food.
GUS TEAU ON TV:
How can I describe it?
Good food is like music you can taste,
color you can smell.
There is excellence all around you.
You need only be aware to stop
and savor it.
Oh, Gusteau was right.
Oh, mmm, yeah.
Oh, amazing.
Each flavor was totally unique.
But combine one flavor with another,
and something new was created.
So now I had a secret life.
The only one who knew about it
was Emile.
Hey, Emile. Emile.
I found a mushroom.
Come on, you’re good at hiding food.
Help me find a good place to put this.
He doesn’t understand me,
but I can be myself around him.
Why are you walking like that?
I don’t want to constantly
have to wash my paws.
Did you ever think about how we walk
on the same paws
that we handle food with?
You ever think about
what we put into our mouths?
All the time.
When I eat, I don’t want to taste
everywhere my paws have been.
Well, go ahead.
But if Dad sees you walking like that,
he’s not going to like it.
What have you got there?
You found cheese?
And not just any cheese.
Tomme de chèvre de pays!
That would go beautifully
with my mushroom.
And…
This rosemary! This rosemary
with maybe with a few drops
from this sweet grass.
Well, throw it on the pile, I guess,
and then we’ll… You know…
We don’t want to throw this in
with the garbage. This is special.
But we’re supposed
to return to the colony
before sundown or,
you know, Dad’s gonna…
Emile!
There are possibilities
unexplored here.
We got to cook this.
Now, exactly how we cook this
is the real question…
Yeah.
The key is to keep turning it.
Get the smoky flavor nice and even.
That storm’s getting closer.
Hey, Remy, you think that maybe
we shouldn’t be so…
You got to taste this!
This is… It’s got this kind of…
It’s burny, melty…
It’s not really a smoky taste.
It’s a certain… It’s kind of like a…
It’s got, like, this “ba-boom, zap”
kind of taste. Don’t you think?
– What would you call that flavor?
– Lightning-y?
Yeah. It’s lightning-y!
We got to do that again.
Okay, when the next storm comes,
we’ll go up on the roof…
I know what this needs! Saffron!
A little saffron would make this!
Saffron. Why do I get the feeling
– it’s in the kitchen?
– It’s in the kitchen.
Saffron.
– Not good.
Saffron.
Don’t like it. She’s gonna wake up.
I’ve been down here a million times.
She turns on the cooking channel,
boom, she never wakes up.
You’ve been here a million times?
I’m telling you, saffron will be
just the thing. Gusteau swears by it.
Okay. Who’s Gusteau?
Just the greatest chef in the world.
Wrote this cookbook.
Wait. You read?
– Well, not excessively.
– Oh, man. Does Dad know?
You could fill a book, a lot
of books, with things Dad doesn’t know.
And they have, which is why I read.
Which is also our secret.
I don’t like secrets.
All this cooking
and reading and TV-watching
while we read and cook.
It’s like you’re involving me in crime,
and I let you.
Why do I let you?
What’s taking those kids so long?
Ah, I’Aquila saffron. Italian. Huh?
Gusteau says it’s excellent.
Good thing the old lady is a food love…
Forget mystique.
This is about your cooking.
Hey! That’s Gusteau. Emile, look.
Great cooking
is not for the faint of heart.
Great cooking
is not for the faint of heart.
You must be imaginative,
strong hearted.
You must try things that may not work.
And you must not let anyone
define your limits
because of where you come from.
Your only limit is your soul.
What I say is true. Anyone can cook.
But only the fearless can be great.
Pure poetry.
But it was not to last.
Gusteau’s restaurant lost
one of its five stars
after a scathing review
by France’s top food critic, Anton Ego.
It was a severe blow to Gusteau,
and the brokenhearted chef
died shortly afterwards,
which, according to tradition,
meant the loss of another star.
Gusteau is dead?
Run!
No, you’ll lead her to the colony!
– Help, Remy, help!
– Emile! Start swinging the light!
– Help, Remy, help!
– Emile! Start swinging the light!
Try to grab you.
Emile, swing to me.
Evacuate! Everyone, to the boats.
Let me through!
– The book.
Let me through!
– The book.
Excuse me. Move, move.
Go, go, go, go. Move, move, move.
Get the bridge up! Move it, move it!
Hey, Johnny! Hurry!
Push off. Come on.
Get hold!
– Take the baby. Here!
– Give me your paw.
Hey, wait for me!
Is everybody here?
Do we have everybody?
– Wait a minute. Where’s Remy?
– Right here. I’m coming.
I’m coming!
Hold on, Son.
Give him something to grab on to.
Come on, boy. Paddle, Son.
Come on. Reach for it.
You can do it.
– Remy!
– Dad!
Come on. You can make it.
You can make it.
Guys, wait. Stop!
Remy. Come on. Paddle.
Hold on! Wait for me. Hold on.
Dad?
Dad?
Which way?
I waited
for a sound,
a voice,
a sign,
something.
If you are hungry,
go up and look around, Remy.
Why do you wait and mope?
Well, I’ve just lost my family,
all my friends,
probably forever.
– How do you know?
– Well, I…
You are an illustration.
Why am I talking to you?
Well, you just lost your family,
all your friends. You are lonely.
Yeah. Well, you’re dead.
Ah, but that is no match
for wishful thinking.
If you focus on what you’ve left behind,
you’ll never be able to see
what lies ahead.
Now go up and look around.
Champagne!
What are you doing?
I’m hungry.
I don’t know where I am,
and I don’t know
when I’ll find food again.
Remy, you are better than that.
You are a cook.
A cook makes. A thief takes.
You are not a thief.
But I am hungry.
Food will come, Remy.
Food always comes
to those who love to cook.
– You think I am playing?
– You don’t have the guts.
Paris?
All this time
I’ve been underneath Paris?
Wow.
It’s beautiful.
The most beautiful.
Gusteau’s? Your restaurant?
You’ve led me to your restaurant.
It seems as though I have. Yes.
There it is! I have led you to it!
I got to see this.
Ready to go on table seven.
Coming around.
One order of steamed pike up.
Coming up.
I need
more soup bowls, please.
I need two rack of lamb.
I need more leeks.
I need two salmon, three
salade composée, and three filet.
Three orders
of salade composée working.
Firing two orders, seared salmon.
Three filet working. I need plates.
Fire seven.
Three salade composée up.
Don’t mess with my mise!
Open down low.
I’m getting buried here.
Hello, Chef Skinner.
How your night be now?
Bonjour, chef.
Hello, Chef Skinner.
– Evening, chef.
Ordering deux filet.
Hey, boss, look who is here.
Alfredo Linguini, Renata’s little boy.
– Hi.
– All grown up, eh?
You remember Renata,
Gusteau’s old flame?
– Yes. How are you…
– Linguini.
Yes, Linguini. So nice of you to visit.
How is…
– My mother?
– Renata.
– Yes, Renata. How is she?
– Good.
Well, not… She’s been better. I mean…
She died.
I’m sorry.
Oh, don’t be. She believed in heaven,
so she’s covered.
You know, afterlife-wise?
– What’s this?
– She left it for you.
I think she hoped it would help me,
you know, get a job here.
But of course.
Gusteau wouldn’t hesitate.
Any son of Renata’s is more than…
Yes, well, we could file this
and if something suitable opens up…
We have already hired him.
What? How dare you hire someone
without my…
We needed a garbage boy.
Oh, garbage. Well…
I’m glad it worked out.
I can’t believe it.
A real gourmet kitchen,
and I get to watch.
You’ve read my book.
Let us see how much you know, huh?
Which one is the chef?
– Oh, that guy.
– Very good.
Who is next in command?
The sous chef. There.
The sous is responsible for the kitchen
when the chef’s not around.
Saucier, in charge of sauces.
Very important.
Chef de partie, demi chef de partie,
both important.
Commis, commis, they’re cooks.
Very important.
You are a clever rat. Now, who is that?
Oh, him? He’s nobody.
Not nobody. He is part of the kitchen.
No, he’s a plongeur or something.
He washes dishes or takes out
the garbage. He doesn’t cook.
– But he could.
– Uh, no.
How do you know?
What do I always say?
Anyone can cook.
Well, yeah, anyone can.
That doesn’t mean that anyone should.
Well,
that is not stopping him. See?
What is he doing?
No. No! No, this is terrible!
He’s ruining the soup.
And nobody’s noticing?
It’s your restaurant. Do something.
What can I do?
I am a figment of your imagination.
But he’s ruining the soup!
We got to tell someone that he’s…
But he’s ruining the soup!
We got to tell someone that he’s…
Table five coming up,
right now.
Coming down the line.
Set.
Hot! Open oven!
Coming around.
Oui, chef.
One filet mignon, three lamb, two duck.
Fire those soufflés
for table six, ja.
Five minutes, chef.
– Oh, God.
Tonight,
I’d like to present the foie gras.
It has a wonderful finish.
Ready to go on table seven.
Come on! Let’s go!
Oui, chef.
Remy! What are you waiting for?
Is this going to become a regular thing
with you?
You know how to fix it.
This is your chance.
The soup! Where is the soup?
Out of my way.
Move it, garbage boy!
You are cooking?
How dare you cook in my kitchen?
Where do you get the gall
to even attempt something
so monumentally idiotic?
I should have you drawn
and quartered!
I’ll do it. I think the law is on my side.
Larousse, draw and quarter this man
after you put him in the duck press
to squeeze the fat out of his head.
– What are you blathering about?
– The soup!
Soup?
Stop that soup!
No!
Waiter.
Linguini!
You’re fired!
F- l-R-E-D! Fired!
She wants to see the chef.
But he…
– What did the customer say?
– It was not a customer. It was a critic.
– Ego?
– Solene LeClaire.
– LeClaire? What did she say?
– She likes the soup.
– Wait.
– What do you mean, “Wait”?
You’re the reason I’m in this mess.
Someone is asking about your soup.
What are you playing at?
Am I still fired?
You can’t fire him.
– What?
LeClaire likes it, yeah?
She made a point of telling you so.
If she write a review to that effect
and find out you fired
the cook responsible…
– He’s a garbage boy.
– Who made something she liked.
How can we claim to represent
the name of Gusteau
if we don’t uphold
his most cherished belief?
And what belief is that,
Mademoiselle Tatou?
Anyone can cook.
Perhaps I have been a bit harsh
on our new garbage boy.
He has taken a bold risk
and we should reward that,
as Chef Gusteau would have.
If he wishes
to swim in dangerous waters,
who are we to deny him?
– You were escaping?
– Oh, yeah.
Since you have expressed
such an interest in his cooking career,
you shall be responsible for it.
Anyone else?
Then back to work.
You are either very lucky
or very unlucky.
You will make the soup again,
and this time, I’ll be paying attention.
Very close attention.
They think you might be a cook.
But you know what I think, Linguini?
I think you are a sneaky,
overreaching little…
Rat!
– Rat!
Get the rat.
Linguini. Get something to trap it.
It’s getting away.
Get it, get it, get it.
– What should I do now?
– Kill it.
– Now?
– No, not in the kitchen. Are you mad?
Do you know what would happen to us
if anyone knew
we had a rat in our kitchen?
They’d close us down.
Our reputation is hanging by a thread
as it is.
Take it away from here. Far away.
Kill it. Dispose of it. Go!
Don’t look at me like that!
You aren’t the only one who’s trapped.
They expect me to cook it again!
I mean, I’m not ambitious.
I wasn’t trying to cook.
I was just trying to stay out of trouble.
You’re the one who was getting fancy
with the spices!
What did you throw in there? Oregano?
No? What? Rosemary?
That’s a spice, isn’t it? Rosemary?
You didn’t throw rosemary in there?
Then what was all the flipping
and all the throwing the…
I need this job. I’ve lost so many.
I don’t know how to cook, and now
I’m actually talking to a rat as if you…
Did you nod?
Have you been nodding?
You understand me?
So I’m not crazy!
Wait a second, wait a second.
I can’t cook, can I?
But you…
You can, right?
Look, don’t be so modest.
You’re a rat, for Pete’s sake.
Whatever you did, they liked it.
Yeah. This could work.
Hey, they liked the soup!
They liked the soup.
Do you think you could do it again?
Okay, I’m going to let you out now.
But we’re together on this. Right?
Okay.
So this is it.
I mean, it’s not much, but it’s,
you know…
Not much.
It could be worse.
There’s heat and light
and a couch with a TV.
So, you know, what’s mine is yours.
Are you…
Is this a dream?
The best kind of dream.
One we can share.
But why here?
Why now?
Why not here?
Why not now?
What better place to dream
than in Paris?
Morning, Little Chef. Rise and…
Oh, no.
Idiot! I knew this would happen!
I let a rat into my place
and tell him what’s mine is his!
Eggs, gone!
Stupid! He’s stolen food
and hit the road! What did I expect?
That’s what I get for trusting a…
Hi. Is that for me?
That’s good. What did you put in this?
Where’d you get that?
Look, it’s delicious. But don’t steal.
I’ll buy some spices, okay?
Oh, no. We’re going to be late.
And on the first day!
Come on, Little Chef!
“Though I, like many other critic,
“had written off Gusteau as irrelevant
since the great chef’s death,
“the soup was a revelation.
A spicy yet subtle taste experience.”
– Solene LeClaire?
– Yes!
“Against all odds,
Gusteau’s has recaptured our attention.
“Only time will tell if they deserve it.”
Well…
You know.
Look, I know it’s stupid and weird,
but neither of us can do this alone,
so we got to do it together, right?
You with me?
So let’s do this thing!
I…
Welcome to hell.
Now, recreate the soup.
Take as much time as you need.
All week if you must.
Soup.
You little…
Ow!
You son of a…
You got…
This is not going to work, Little Chef!
I’m going to lose it
if we do this anymore.
We’ve got to figure out something else.
Something that doesn’t involve
any biting, or nipping,
or running up and down my body
with your little rat feet.
The biting! No! Scampering! No!
No scampering or scurrying.
Understand, Little Chef?
Little Chef?
Oh, you’re hungry.
Okay. So let’s think this out.
You know how to cook,
and I know how to appear
human.
We need to work out a system
so that I do what you want
in a way that doesn’t look like
I’m being controlled by a tiny rat chef.
Would you listen to me? I’m insane!
I’m insane! I’m insane!
In a refrigerator talking to a rat
about cooking in a gourmet restaurant.
– I will never pull this off!
– Linguini?
We gotta communicate.
I can’t be constantly checking
for a yes or no head shake from a…
The rat! I saw it!
– A rat?
– Yes, a rat. Right next to you.
What are you doing in here?
I’m just familiarizing myself with,
you know, the vegetables and such.
Get out.
One can get too familiar
with vegetables, you know!
That was close. Are you okay up there?
How did you do that?
That’s strangely involuntary!
One look and I knew
we had the same crazy idea.
Okay.
Where are you taking me? Wait.
Wait. I’m sorry.
Okay.
Okay.
À votre santé!
All right.
That should do it.
Congratulations. You were able to
repeat your accidental success.
But you’ll need to know more than soup
if you are to survive in my kitchen, boy.
Colette will be responsible for
teaching you how we do things here.
Listen, I just want you to know
how honored I am
to be studying under such…
No! You listen. I just want you to know
exactly who you are dealing with.
How many women
do you see in this kitchen?
Well, I…
– Only me. Why do you think that is?
– Well, I…
Because haute cuisine
is an antiquated hierarchy
built upon rules
written by stupid old men.
Rules designed to make it impossible
for women to enter this world.
But still I’m here. How did this happen?
Because, well, because you…
Because I am the toughest cook
in this kitchen.
I’ve worked too hard
for too long to get here
and I am not going to jeopardize it
for some garbage boy who got lucky.
Got it?
Easy to cook. Easy
to eat. Gusteau makes Chinese food
Chine-easy.
– Excellent work, François, as usual.
– It’s good, isn’t it?
I want you to work up something
for my latest frozen food concept.
Gusteau’s Corn Puppies.
They’re like corn dogs, only smaller.
Bite size.
What are corn dogs?
Cheap sausages dipped in batter
and deep fried. You know, American.
Cheap sausages dipped in batter
and deep fried. You know, American.
Whip something up.
Maybe Gusteau in overalls
and Huckleberry Tom hat.
Or as a big ear of corn
in doggie make-up.
Yes.
But, please, with dignity.
Get my lawyer!
Well, the will stipulates
that if after a period of two years
from the date of death
no heir appears,
Gusteau’s business interests
will pass to his sous chef. You.
I know what the will stipulates.
What I want to know is if this letter…
If this boy changes anything!
There’s not much resemblance.
There’s no resemblance at all.
He is not Gusteau’s son.
Gusteau had no children,
and what of the timing of all this?
The deadline in the will
expires in less than a month!
Suddenly,
some boy arrives with a letter
from his recently deceased mother
claiming Gusteau is his father?
Highly suspect!
– This is Gusteau’s?
– Yes, yes, yes.
– May I?
– Of course.
But the boy does not know.
She claims she never told him,
or Gusteau, and asks that I not tell.
– Why you? What does she want?
– A job for the boy.
– Only a job?
– Well, yes.
Then what are you worried about?
If he works here,
you’ll be able to keep an eye on him
while I do a little digging.
Find out how much of this is real.
I will need you
to collect some DNA samples
from the boy. Hair, maybe.
Mark my words.
The whole thing is highly suspect.
He knows something.
Relax, he’s a garbage boy.
I think you can handle him.
What are you doing?
I’m cutting vegetables.
I’m cutting vegetables?
No! You waste energy and time!
You think cooking is a cute job,
like Mommy in the kitchen?
Well, Mommy never had to face
the dinner rush when the orders
come flooding in,
and every dish is different
and none are simple,
and all of the different cooking times,
but must arrive on the customer’s table
at exactly the same time,
hot and perfect!
Every second counts,
and you cannot be Mommy!
What is this? Keep your station clear!
When the meal rush comes,
what will happen?
Messy stations slow things down.
Food doesn’t go, orders pile up.
Disaster.
I’ll make this easy to remember.
Keep your station clear,
or I will kill you!
Your sleeves
look like you threw up on them.
Keep your hands and arms in,
close to the body. Like this. See?
Always return to this position.
Cooks move fast. Sharp utensils,
hot metal, keep your arms in.
You will minimize cuts and burns
and keep your sleeves clean.
Mark of a chef:
Messy apron, clean sleeves.
I know the Gusteau style cold.
In every dish, Chef Gusteau
always has something unexpected.
I will show you.
I memorize all his recipe.
– Always do something unexpected.
– No. Follow the recipe.
– But you just said that…
– No, no, no.
It was his job to be unexpected.
It is our job to…
– Follow his recipes.
– Follow the recipe.
How do you tell how good bread is
without tasting it?
Not the smell, not the look,
but the sound of the crust.
Listen.
Symphony of crackle.
Only great bread sound this way.
The only way to get the best produce
is to have first pick of the day
and there are only two way
to get first pick.
Grow it yourself, or bribe a grower.
Voilà! The best restaurant get first pick.
People think haute cuisine is snooty.
So chef must also be snooty.
But not so.
Lalo there ran away from home at 12.
Got hired by circus people
as an acrobat.
And then he get fired
for messing around
with the ringmaster’s daughter.
Horst has done time.
What for?
No one know for sure. He changes
the story every time you ask him.
I defrauded a major corporation.
I robbed the second largest bank
in France using only a ballpoint pen.
I created a hole in the ozone
over Avignon.
I killed a man with this thumb.
Don’t ever play cards
with Pompidou.
He’s been banned from Las Vegas
and Monte Carlo.
– Larousse ran gun for the Resistance.
– Which resistance?
He won’t say.
Apparently, they didn’t win.
So you see.
We are artist, pirate.
More than cooks are we.
– We?
– Oui. You are one of us now, oui?
Oui. Thank you, by the way,
for all the advice about cooking.
– Thank you, too.
– For what?
For taking it.
The rat!
– But he is a…
– I just dropped my keys.
Have you decided this evening?
– Your soup is excellent. But…
– But we order it every time.
– What else do you have?
– Well, we have a very nice foie gras.
I know about the foie gras.
The old standby,
used to be famous for it.
What does the chef have that’s new?
– Someone has asked what is new!
– New?
Yes. What do I tell them?
– Well, what did you tell them?
– I told them I would ask!
What are you blathering about?
– Customers are asking what is new.
– What should I tell them?
– What did you tell them?
– I told them I would ask!
This is simple.
Just pull out an old Gusteau recipe,
something we haven’t made
in a while…
They know about the old stuff.
They like Linguini’s soup.
They are asking for food from Linguini?
A lot of customers like the soup.
That’s all we are saying.
Were we saying that?
Very well. If it’s Linguini they want
tell them Chef Linguini has prepared
something special for them.
Something definitely off menu.
Oh, and don’t forget to stress
– its Linguini-ness.
– Oui, chef.
Now is your chance to try something
worthy of your talent, Linguini.
A forgotten favorite of the chef’s,
sweetbread à la Gusteau.
– Colette will help you.
– Oui, chef.
Now, hurry up. Our diners are hungry.
Are you sure?
That recipe was a disaster.
Gusteau himself said so.
Just the sort of challenge
a budding chef needs.
“Sweetbread à la Gusteau.
“Sweetbread cooked
in a seaweed salt crust
“with cuttlefish tentacle,
dog rose purée,
“geoduck egg, dried white fungus?
“Anchovy licorice sauce.”
I don’t know this recipe,
but it’s Gusteau’s, so…
Lalo! We have
some veal stomach soaking, yes?
Yes!
The veal stomach, I get that.
Veal stomach?
Okay.
I’ll be right back. Where…
Hey, I got to… Hey!
Don’t mind me.
I just need to borrow this real quick.
Let’s see, over here…
I’ll be back.
Thank you.
Excuse me. I’m going to…
Apparently, I need this. I’ll be right…
I’m going to pick that up.
I got some of that spice.
Okay.
What are you doing? You’re supposed
to be preparing the Gusteau recipe.
This is the recipe.
The recipe doesn’t call
for white truffle oil!
What else have you…
You are improvising?
This is no time to experiment.
The customer are waiting.
You’re right. I should listen to you!
– Stop that!
– Stop what?
Freaking me out!
Whatever you are doing, stop it.
Where is the special order?
– Coming!
– I thought we were together on this.
– We are together.
– Then what are you doing?
– It’s very hard to explain.
– The special?
– Come get it!
I forgot the anchovy licorice sauce.
– Don’t you dare.
– I’m not, I’m not. I’m…
Sorry.
Is Linguini’s dish done yet?
Ja. It’s as bad as we remember.
Just went out.
– Did you taste it?
– Ja, of course, before he changed it.
Good. What? How could he change it?
He changed it
as it was going out the door!
Ow!
They love it!
Other diners are already
asking about it, about Linguini.
I have seven more orders!
That’s wonderful.
I’d like one of those.
Special order!
What is that?
Special order! Special order!
Special order!
To Linguini.
– Congratulations, Mr. Linguini.
– Cheers, ja?
Drink now, there’s plenty.
Take a break, Little Chef. Get some air.
We really did it tonight.
Dah!
Got your toque!
Oh, seriously now.
I’d love to have a little talk with you,
Linguini, in my office.
– Am I in trouble?
– Trouble? No.
A little wine, a friendly chat.
Just us cooks.
The plongeur won’t be coming to you
for advice anymore, eh, Colette?
He’s gotten all he needs.
Toasting your success, eh, Linguini?
Good for you.
I just took it to be polite.
I don’t really drink, you know.
Of course you don’t.
I wouldn’t either if I was drinking that.
But you would have to be an idiot
of elephantine proportions
not to appreciate
this ’61 Château Latour.
And you, Monsieur Linguini,
are no idiot.
Let us toast your non-idiocy.
– Remy!
– Emile?
I can’t believe it! You’re alive!
– You made it!
– I thought I’d never see you guys again!
We figured
you didn’t survive the rapids.
And what are you eating?
I don’t really know.
I think it was
some sort of wrapper once.
What? No.
You’re in Paris now, baby. My town.
No brother of mine eats rejectamenta
in my town.
Remy! You are stealing?
You told Linguini he could trust you.
– And he can. It’s for my brother.
– But the boy could lose his job.
Which means I would, too.
It’s under control, okay?
– More wine?
– I shouldn’t, but… Okay.
So, where did you train, Linguini?
Train? All right.
Surely you don’t expect me to believe
this is your first time cooking?
– It’s not.
– I knew it!
It’s my… Second, third, fourth…
Fifth time.
Monday was my first time.
But I’ve taken out the garbage
lots of times before that…
Yes, yes. Have some more wine.
Tell me, Linguini, about your interests.
Do you like animals?
What?
Animals? What kind?
The usual, dogs, cats, horses,
guinea pigs,
rats.
I brought you something to…
No, no, no, no!
Spit that out right now!
I have got to teach you about food.
Close your eyes.
Now take a bite of… No! No! No!
– Don’t just hork it down!
– Too late.
Here.
Chew it slowly.
Only think about the taste.
– See?
– Not really.
Creamy, salty sweet,
an oaky nuttiness.
– You detect that?
– Oh, I’m detecting nuttiness.
Close your eyes. Now taste this.
Whole different thing, right?
Sweet, crisp, slight tang on the finish.
– Okay.
– Now, try them together.
Okay.
I think I’m getting
a little something there.
– It might be the nuttiness.
– See?
– Could be the tang.
– That’s it.
Now, imagine every great taste
in the world
being combined
into infinite combinations.
Tastes that no one has tried yet!
Discoveries to be made!
I think…
– You lost me again.
– Yeah.
But that was interesting.
Most interesting garbage I ever…
Hey! What are we doing?
Dad doesn’t know you’re alive yet!
We’ve got to go to the colony!
Everyone will be thrilled!
– Yeah! But…
– What?
Thing is, I kind of have to…
What do you “have to”
more than family?
What’s more important here?
Well, I…
It wouldn’t hurt to visit.
– Have you had a pet rat?
– No.
– Did you work in a lab with rats?
– No.
Perhaps you lived in squalor
at some point?
Nopety nopety no.
You know something about rats!
You know you do!
You know who know do whacka-doo.
Ratta-tatta.
– Hey! Why do they call it that?
– What?
Ratatouille. It’s like a stew, right?
Why do they call it that?
If you’re going to name a food,
you should give it a name
that sounds delicious.
Ratatouille doesn’t sound delicious.
It sounds like “rat” and “patootie.”
Rat patootie.
Which does not sound delicious.
Regrettably we are all out of wine.
My son has returned!
And finding someone to replace you
for poison checker has been a disaster.
Nothing’s been poisoned, thank God,
but it hasn’t been easy.
– You didn’t make it easy.
– I know. I am sorry, Dad.
Well, the important thing
is that you’re home.
Yeah, well, about that…
You look thin. Why is that?
A shortage of food,
or a surplus of snobbery?
It’s tough out there in the big world
all alone, isn’t it?
Sure, but it’s not like I’m a kid anymore.
– Hey. Hey, boy. What’s up?
– I can take care of myself.
I’ve found a nice spot not far away,
so I’ll be able to visit often.
Nothing like a cold splash of reality
to make you…
– Visit?
– I will. I promise. Often.
– You’re not staying?
– No. It’s not a big deal, Dad. I just…
You didn’t think
I was going to stay forever, did you?
Eventually,
a bird’s got to leave the nest.
We’re not birds. We’re rats.
We don’t leave our nests.
We make them bigger.
– Well, maybe I’m a different kind of rat.
– Maybe you’re not a rat at all.
Maybe that’s a good thing.
Hey! The band’s
really on tonight, huh?
Rats. All we do is take, Dad.
I’m tired of taking.
I want to make things.
I want to add something to this world.
– You’re talking like a human.
– Who are not as bad as you say.
– Oh, yeah? What makes you so sure?
– Oh, man.
I’ve been able to
observe them
at a close-ish sort of range.
– Yeah? How close?
– Close enough.
And they’re, you know,
not so bad as you say they are.
Come with me.
I got something I want you to see.
You know, I’m going to stay here.
Make sure the floors and countertops
are clean before you lock up.
Wait. You want me to stay and clean?
Is that a problem?
– No.
– Good boy. See you tomorrow.
We’re here.
Take a good long look, Remy.
Now, this is what happens
when a rat gets
a little too comfortable around humans.
The world we live in
belongs to the enemy.
We must live carefully.
We look out for our own kind, Remy.
When all is said and done,
we’re all we’ve got.
– No.
– What?
No. Dad, I don’t believe it.
You’re telling me that the future is…
Can only be more of this?
This is the way things are.
You can’t change nature.
Change is nature, Dad.
The part that we can influence.
And it starts when we decide.
– Where you going?
– With luck, forward.
Hey! Yeah.
Stop it.
Good morning.
Good morning.
So, the chef,
he invited you in for a drink?
That’s big.
That’s big. What did he say?
What?
What, you can’t tell me?
Forgive me for intruding on your deep,
personal relationship with the chef.
Oh, I see how it is.
You get me to teach you
a few kitchen tricks
to dazzle the boss
and then you blow past me?
Wake up. Wake up.
I thought you were different.
I thought you thought I was different.
I thought…
I didn’t have to help you!
If I looked out only for myself,
I would have let you drown!
But…
I wanted you to succeed. I liked you.
My mistake.
Colette. Wait, wait. Colette!
It’s over, Little Chef.
I can’t do it anymore.
Colette! Wait, wait!
Don’t motorcycle away.
Look, I’m no good with words.
I’m no good with food either.
At least not without your help.
I hate false modesty.
It’s just another way to lie.
– You have talent.
– No, but I don’t! Really! It’s not me.
When I added that extra ingredient
instead of following the recipe
like you said,
That wasn’t me either.
– What do you mean?
– I mean, I wouldn’t have done that.
I would’ve followed the recipe.
I would’ve followed your advice.
I would’ve followed your advice
to the ends of the earth.
– Because I love your advice.
– But…
But I…
Don’t do it.
I have a secret. It’s sort of disturbing.
– I have a…
– What? You…
– I have a ra…
– You have a rash?
No, no, no. I have this…
This tiny little…
Little…
A tiny chef
who tells me what to do.
A tiny chef?
Yes. Yes. He’s…
– He’s up here.
– In your brain?
Why is it so hard to talk to you?
Okay. Here we go.
You inspire me. I’m going to risk it all.
I’m going to risk looking like the
biggest idiot psycho you’ve ever seen.
You want to know why
I’m such a fast learner?
You want to know why
I’m such a great cook?
Don’t laugh! I’m going to show you!
No! No!
– What is it, Ambrister?
– Gusteau’s.
– Finally closing, is it?
– No.
– More financial trouble?
– No, it’s…
Announced a new line
of microwave egg rolls?
What? What? Spit it out.
It’s come back. It’s popular.
– I haven’t reviewed Gusteau’s in years.
– No, sir.
My last review condemned it
– to the tourist trade.
– Yes, sir.
I said, “Gusteau has finally
found his rightful place in history
“right alongside
another equally famous chef,
“Monsieur Boyardee.”
Touché.
That is where I left it.
That was my last word.
– The last word.
– Yes.
Then tell me, Ambrister,
how could it be popular?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
The DNA matches, the timing works,
everything checks out.
He is Gusteau’s son.
This can’t just happen!
The whole thing is a setup!
The boy knows!
Look at him out there,
pretending to be an idiot.
He’s toying with my mind
like a cat with a ball of… Something.
– String?
– Yes! Playing dumb.
– Taunting me with that rat.
– Rat?
Yes. He’s consorting with it.
Deliberately trying to make me think
it’s important.
– The rat.
– Exactly!
Is the rat important?
Of course not!
He just wants me to think that it is.
Oh, I see the theatricality of it.
A rat appears on the boy’s first night,
I order him to kill it.
And now he wants me
to see it everywhere.
It’s here! No, it isn’t, it’s here!
Am I seeing things, am I crazy?
Is there a phantom rat or is there not?
But, oh, no!
I refuse to be sucked into
his little game of…
Should I be concerned about this?
About you?
I can’t fire him. He’s getting attention.
If I fire him now,
everyone will wonder why.
And the last thing I want
is people looking into this.
What are you so worried about?
Isn’t it good to have the press?
Isn’t it good to have Gusteau’s name
getting headlines?
Not if they’re over his face!
Gusteau’s already has a face,
and it’s fat and lovable and familiar.
And it sells burritos!
Millions and millions of burritos!
The deadline passes in three days.
Then you can fire him
whenever he ceases to be valuable
and no one will ever know.
I was worried
about the hair sample you gave me.
– I had to send them back to the lab.
– Why?
Because the first time it came back
identified as rodent hair.
– No, no, no.
– What?
Try this. It’s better.
Well, because you…
Rat!
Disgusting little creatures.
I was reminded
how fragile it all was.
How the world really saw me.
And it just kept getting better.
Remy!
Remy!
Psst! Psst!
Hey, hey, hey, little brother!
We were afraid you weren’t going to,
you know, show up.
– Hey, Remy! How you doing?
– You told them?
Emile,
that’s exactly what I said not to do!
But you know these guys.
They’re my friends.
I didn’t think you meant them.
Look, I’m sorry.
Don’t tell me you’re sorry,
tell them you’re sorry.
– Is there a problem over here?
– No, there is not.
Wait here.
It’s locked?
Remy, what are you doing in here?
Okay. Emile shows up with…
Okay, I said not to. I told him…
He goes and blabs to…
Yeah, it’s a disaster.
Anyway, they’re hungry, the food safe
is locked and I need the key.
– They want you to steal food?
– Yes. No! It’s…
– They want you to steal food?
– Yes. No! It’s…
It’s complicated. It’s family.
They don’t have your ideals.
Ideals?
If Chef Fancy Pants had any ideals,
you think I’d be hawking barbecue
over here?
Or microwave burritos?
Or, Tooth, I say,
Tooth Pick’n Chicken?
About as French as a corn dog!
Coming soon!
We’re inventing new ways
to sell out over here.
Will ye be wanting some haggis bites?
I cannot control
how they use my image, Remy.
– I am dead!
– Can you guys shut up?
I’ve got to think! Word’s getting out.
If I can’t keep them quiet,
the entire clan’s gonna be after me
with their mouths open and…
Here it is.
Hey. Your will!
– Oh, this is interesting. Mind if I…
– Not at all.
Linguini?
Why would Linguini be filed
with your will?
This used to be my office.
He’s your son?
– I have a son?
– How could you not know this?
I am a figment of your imagination.
You did not know, how could I?
Well, your son is the rightful owner
of this restaurant!
Well, your son is the rightful owner
of this restaurant!
No! No! The rat!
– Sorry, chef.
– The rat! It’s stolen my documents!
– It’s getting away!
Hey, Mr. Chef!
You!
– Get out of my office.
– He’s not in your office. You are in his.
Bottoms up, Linguini!
Cheers, ja.
Chef! Chef!
Chef Linguini!
Your rise has been meteoric,
yet you have no formal training.
What is the secret to your genius?
Secret? You want the truth?
I am Gusteau’s son.
It’s in my blood I guess.
But you weren’t
aware of that fact until very recently.
No.
And it resulted in
your taking ownership of this restaurant.
How did you find out?
Well, some part of me just knew.
The Gusteau part?
– Where do you get your inspiration?
– Inspiration has many names.
– Mine is named Colette.
– What?
Something’s stuck in my teeth.
Health Inspector.
I wish to report a rat infestation.
It’s taken over my…
Gusteau’s restaurant.
Gusteau’s, eh?
I can drop by. Let’s see.
First opening is three months.
It must happen now!
It’s a gourmet restaurant!
Monsieur, I have the information.
If someone cancels, I’ll slot you in.
But the rat!
You must…
It stole my documents.
It’s past opening time.
He should have
finished an hour ago.
Bonjour, ma chérie.
Join us.
We were just talking
about my inspiration.
Yes, he calls it his tiny chef.
Not that, dearest. I meant you.
– It’s him.
– Ego?
Anton Ego!
Is that Ego?
I can’t believe it.
– You are Monsieur Linguini?
– Hello.
Pardon me for interrupting
your premature celebration,
but I thought it only fair
to give you a sporting chance
as you are new to this game.
– Game?
– Yes.
And you’ve been playing
without an opponent.
Which is, as you may have guessed,
against the rules.
You’re Anton Ego.
You’re slow
for someone in the fast lane.
And you’re thin
for someone who likes food.
I don’t like food. I love it.
If I don’t love it, I don’t swallow.
I will return tomorrow night
with high expectations.
Pray you don’t disappoint me.
Listen, we hate to be rude,
but we’re French, and it’s dinnertime.
She meant to say,
“It’s dinnertime and we’re French.”
Don’t give me that look.
You were distracting me
in front of the press.
How am I supposed to concentrate with
you yanking on my hair all the time?
And that’s another thing.
Your opinion isn’t the only one
that matters here.
Colette knows how to cook, too,
you know.
All right, that’s it!
You take a break, Little Chef.
I’m not your puppet,
and you’re not
my puppet-controlling guy!
The rat is the cook.
You cool off and get your mind right,
Little Chef.
You cool off and get your mind right,
Little Chef.
Ego is coming, and I need to focus!
You stupid…
Wow. I have never seen that before.
Yeah, it’s like you’re his fluffy bunny
or something.
I’m sorry, Remy.
I know there are too many guys.
– I tried to limit…
– You know what?
It’s okay. I’ve been selfish.
– You guys hungry?
– Are you kidding?
All right. Dinner’s on me.
We’ll go after closing time.
– In fact…
– Yeah.
…tell Dad to bring the whole clan.
Little Chef?
This is great, Son.
An inside job. I see the appeal.
Oof!
Little Chef?
Little Chef?
Hey, Little Chef.
I thought you went back
to the apartment.
Then when you weren’t there,
I don’t know…
It didn’t seem right to leave things
the way that we did, so…
Look, I don’t want to fight.
I’ve been under a lot of, you know,
pressure.
A lot has changed
in not very much time, you know?
I’m suddenly a Gusteau.
And I got to be a Gusteau or, you know,
people will be disappointed.
It’s weird.
You know, I’ve never
disappointed anyone before,
because nobody’s
ever expected anything of me.
And the only reason
anyone expects anything from me now
is because of you.
I haven’t been fair to you.
You’ve never failed me,
and I should never forget that.
You’ve been a good friend.
The most honorable friend
a guy could ever ask…
What is this?
What’s going on?
What…
Hey…
You’re…
You’re stealing food? How could you?
I thought you were my friend!
I trusted you!
Get out! You and all your rat buddies!
And don’t come back
or I’ll treat you the way restaurants
are supposed to treat pests!
You’re right, Dad. Who am I kidding?
We are what we are, and we’re rats.
Well, he’ll leave soon,
and now you know how to get in.
Steal all you want.
– You’re not coming?
– I’ve lost my appetite.
Do you know
what you would like this evening, sir?
Yes,
I’d like your heart roasted on a spit.
Come in!
Today’s the big day.
You should say something to them.
– Like what?
– You are the boss. Inspire them.
Attention.
Attention, everyone.
Tonight is a big night.
Appetite is coming,
and he’s going to have a big ego.
I mean, Ego. He’s coming. The critic.
And he’s going to order something.
Something from our menu.
And we’ll have to cook it,
unless he orders something cold.
Just can’t leave it alone,
can you?
You really shouldn’t be here
during restaurant hours. It’s not safe.
I’m hungry!
And I don’t need the inside food
to be happy.
The key, my friend, is to not be picky.
– Observe.
– No, wait!
– Oh, no! No, no! What do we do?
– I’ll go get Dad.
You might think you are a chef
but you are still only a rat.
Sure he took away a star
last time he reviewed this place.
Sure it probably killed… Dad.
– This is very bad juju right here.
– But I’ll tell you one thing…
– Ego is here.
– Ego? He is here?
Anton Ego is just another customer.
Let’s cook!
Yeah! Let’s…
Okay.
So I have in mind
a simple arrangement.
You will create for me a new line
of Chef Skinner frozen foods.
And I, in return, will not kill you.
Au revoir, rat!
Do you know
what you would like this evening, sir?
Yes, I think I do.
After reading a lot of overheated
puffery about your new cook,
you know what I’m craving?
A little perspective.
That’s it. I’d like some fresh, clear,
well seasoned perspective.
Can you suggest
a good wine to go with that?
– With what, sir?
– Perspective. Fresh out, I take it?
I am…
Very well.
Since you’re all out of perspective
and no one else
seems to have it in this bloody town,
I’ll make you a deal.
You provide the food,
I’ll provide the perspective.
Which would go nicely
with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947.
I’m afraid I…
Your dinner selection?
Tell your Chef Linguini that I want
whatever he dares to serve me.
Tell him to hit me with his best shot.
I will have whatever he is having.
– So, we have given up.
– Why do you say that?
We are in a cage inside the car trunk
awaiting a future
in frozen food products.
No, I’m the one in a cage. I’ve given up.
You are free.
I am only as free
as you imagine me to be.
As you are.
Oh, please. I’m sick of pretending.
I pretend to be a rat for my father.
I pretend to be a human
through Linguini.
I pretend you exist
so I have someone to talk to!
You only tell me stuff I already know!
I know who I am!
Why do I need you to tell me?
Why do I need to pretend?
But you don’t, Remy.
You never did.
No. My other left!
Dad? Dad, I’m in here!
I’m inside the trunk! What the…
Dad!
– Hey, little brother!
– Emile!
I love you guys!
Where are you going?
Back to the restaurant.
They’ll fail without me.
– Why do you care?
– Because I’m a cook!
It’s your recipe.
How can you not know
your own recipe?
I didn’t write it down. It just came to me.
Then make it come to you again, ja?
Because we can’t serve this!
Where’s my order?
Can’t we serve something else?
Something I didn’t invent?
This is what they’re ordering.
Make them order something else.
Tell them we’re all out.
We cannot be all out. We just opened.
I have another idea.
What if we serve them what they order!
We will make it.
Just tell us what you did.
I don’t know what I did.
We need to tell
the customers something.
Then tell them… Tell them…
– Don’t do it.
– Remy. Remy.
Don’t! Stop!
They’ll see you. Stop.
We’re not talking about me.
We’re talking about what to do right…
Rats!
– Remy!
– Get my knife.
Don’t touch him!
Thanks for coming back, Little Chef.
I know this sounds insane, but…
Well,
the truth sounds insane sometimes.
But that doesn’t mean it’s not
the truth.
And the truth is, I have no talent at all.
But this rat,
he’s the one behind these recipes.
He’s the cook. The real cook.
He’s been hiding under my toque.
He’s been controlling my actions.
He’s the reason I can cook the food
that’s exciting everyone.
The reason Ego is outside that door.
You’ve been giving me credit
for his gift.
I know it’s a hard thing to believe.
But, hey, you believed I could cook,
right?
Look, this works.
It’s crazy, but it works.
We can be
the greatest restaurant in Paris,
and this rat, this brilliant Little Chef,
can lead us there.
What do you say? You with me?
Dad.
Dad, I don’t know what to say.
I was wrong about your friend
and about you.
I don’t want you to think
I’m choosing this over family.
I can’t choose
between two halves of myself.
I’m not talking about cooking.
I’m talking about guts.
This really means that much to you?
We’re not cooks, but we are family.
You tell us what to do,
and we’ll get it done.
– Stop that health inspector!
– Delta Team, go, go, go, go!
The rest of you stay and help Remy.
Team three will be handling fish.
Team four, roasted items.
Team three will be handling fish.
Team four, roasted items.
Team five, grill. Team six, sauces.
Get to your stations. Let’s go, go, go!
Those handling food
will walk on two legs.
We need someone to wait tables.
I’m sorry for any delay,
but we’re a little short tonight.
Please, take all of the time you need.
He came in late one more time
and all of a sudden he…
Make sure that steak
is nice and tenderized.
Work it. Yeah. Stick and move.
Stick and move.
Easy with that sole meunière.
Less salt. More butter.
Only use the mimolette cheese.
Whoa! Compose the salad
like you were painting a picture.
Not too much vinaigrette
on that salade composée.
Don’t let that beurre blanc separate.
Keep whisking.
Gently poach the scallops.
Taste check. Spoons down.
Good. Too much salt. Good.
Don’t boil the consommé,
it’ll toughen the pheasant. Emile!
Sorry.
Colette, wait! Colette.
– You came back. Colette…
– Don’t say a word.
If I think about it,
I might change my mind.
Just tell me what the rat wants to cook.
Ratatouille? It’s a peasant dish.
Are you sure
you want to serve this to Ego?
What? I am making ratatouille.
Well, how would you prepare it?
Ratatouille? They must be joking.
No, it can’t be.
Who cooked the ratatouille?
I demand to know!
I can’t remember the last time
I asked a waiter
to give my compliments to the chef.
And now I find myself
in the extraordinary position
of having my waiter be the chef.
Thanks, but I’m just your waiter tonight.
Then who do I thank for the meal?
Excuse me a minute.
You must be the chef…
If you wish to meet the chef,
you will have to wait
until all the other customer have gone.
So be it.
At first, Ego thinks it’s a joke.
But as Linguini explains,
Ego’s smile disappears.
He doesn’t react
beyond asking an occasional question.
And when the story is done,
Ego stands, thanks us for the meal…
Thank you for the meal.
… and leaves without another word.
The following day his review appears.
In many ways,
the work of a critic is easy.
We risk very little,
yet enjoy a position over those
who offer up their work
and their selves to our judgment.
We thrive on negative criticism,
which is fun to write and to read.
But the bitter truth we critics must face
is that in the grand scheme of things,
the average piece of junk
is probably more meaningful
than our criticism designating it so.
But there are times
when a critic truly risks something
and that is in the discovery
and defense of the new.
The world is often unkind
to new talent, new creations.
The new needs friends.
Last night,
I experienced something new,
an extraordinary meal
from a singularly unexpected source.
To say that both the meal
and its maker
have challenged my preconceptions
about fine cooking
is a gross understatement.
They have rocked me to my core.
In the past, I have made no secret
of my disdain
for Chef Gusteau’s famous motto,
“Anyone can cook.”
But I realize only now
do I truly understand what he meant.
Not everyone
can become a great artist,
but a great artist
can come from anywhere.
It is difficult to imagine
more humble origins
than those of the genius
now cooking at Gusteau’s,
who is, in this critic’s opinion,
nothing less
than the finest chef in France.
I will be returning to Gusteau’s soon,
hungry for more.
I will be returning to Gusteau’s soon,
hungry for more.
It was a great night.
The happiest of my life.
But the only thing predictable
about life is its unpredictability.
Well, we had to let Skinner
and the health inspector loose,
and of course they ratted us out.
The food didn’t matter.
Once it got out
there were rats in the kitchen,
oh, man, the restaurant was closed
and Ego lost his job and his credibility.
But don’t feel too bad for him.
He’s doing very well
as a small business investor.
– He seems very happy.
– How do you know?
Got to go. Dinner rush.
You know how he likes it.
Thanks, Little Chef.
Can I interest you
in a dessert this evening?
– Don’t you always?
– Which one would you like?
Surprise me.
Can I interest you
in a dessert this evening?
Hey, believe me, that story
gets better when I tell it, okay?
Come on. Bring some food over here,
we’re starving!
Shut up faggot
I’m horny asf so add me on kik, plus I got a big juicy ass. Kik: leo_gotcake
My kik is Optimismiskey I’m a dom and I’m bored as fuck add me
Reposting so i can find more ppl lol
Heya so idk ask me my age on my kik: suhkki. If youre weird at least be fat. Hate skinny guys.
Kik justacityboy12
Chat and fun
Send me stuff on kik jro588
Send me stuff Jro588
This comment section is like a perfect petri dish for social sciences.
Add me in kik : coomdump , I’m a sissy
Add me on kik : coomdump
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aye there is another website named Shadbase.us…they want you to download some dumbshit….do you recon to know this….this is also on Nhentai
avoid Nhentai.to…make sure you put Nhentai.net…its some sort of malware i guess
is that the whole script for The Room?
It’s the cooking rat movie
Damn that’s a long ass comment
Is it a transcript of a movie and what’s it called
Ratatouille
Welcome to hell
Goodbye, father
Wiseau Films logo
Opening credits play against generic footage of Johnny stalking about San Francisco
Exterior shot of Johnny’s car pulling up outside his house
Johnny enters the living room
Johnny: Hi babe! I have something for you.
Lisa: What is it?
Johnny: Just a little something.
He playfully hides the package, then presents it to Lisa. She opens it to find a red dress.
Lisa: Johnny, it’s beautiful. Thank you. Can I try it on now?
Johnny: Sure, it’s yours.
Lisa: Wait right here. (she grabs Johnny’s tie and kisses him) I’ll try it on right now.
Johnny sits down. Cut to Lisa reemerging from the stairs in the red dress.
Johnny: Wow, you look so sexy, Lisa.
Lisa: Isn’t it fabulous?
Johnny: I would do anything for my girl.
Enter Denny
Denny: Oh hey, guys.
Johnny: Oh hi, Denny.
Denny: Wow! Look at you!
Lisa: It’s from Johnny.
Johnny: Anything for my princess! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Denny: How much was it?
Lisa: Denny, don’t ask a question like that!
Johnny: Nice to see you, Denny. I’m going to take a nap.
Denny: Can I go upstairs too?
Johnny: Ha-ha!
Lisa: Denny, I think I’m gonna join him.
Johnny: A-ha-ha.
They exit upstairs, speaking barely audibly
Lisa: I’ve got some candles upstairs.
Johnny: You always think. A-ha-ha. Alright, I’m ready.
Lisa: This is so pretty, I can’t wait for you to get it off of me.
Johnny: Oh, yeahhh.
Denny takes a bite of an apple, then follows them upstairs.
In the bedroom, Johnny and Lisa start a pillow fight.
Johnny: A-ha-ha! (incomprehensible gibberish) Ha-ha-ha! Ouch!
Denny joins in and gets clobbered as everyone laughs.
Denny: No, stop!
Johnny: Denny, do you have something else to do?
Denny: I just like to watch you guys.
Lisa: Oh, Denny, Denny, Denny boy!
Johnny: Denny, two’s great, but three’s a crowd, ha-ha.
Denny: I get it. You guys want to be alone.
Johnny: That’s the idea!
Denny: Fine. I have homework to do anyway. Bye, lovebirds!
Johnny: Bye, Denny.
Lisa: Bye, Denny.
Denny exits, and a three-minute love scene commences, scored to terrible R&B. There’s a lot of water and rose petals and naked boobs. Johnny fucks Lisa’s belly button. Afterwards they lie awkwardly in bed together, and Lisa seems bored with Johnny as he sleeps.
The alarm clock goes off at :28. Johnny gets up, smells a rose, and bares his ass to the camera. He emerges from the bathroom dressed for work and greets Lisa.
Johnny: Did you like last night?
Lisa: Yes I did.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha.
Lisa: Can I get you anything?
Johnny: Unh-unh. I have to go now.
Lisa: Okay, bye.
Johnny: Bye.
Johnny exits. Cut to an exterior daytime shot of the house, then to the living room. Lisa answers the door, and Claudette enters.
Lisa: Hi mom, how are you?
Claudette: I’m fine, how are you? Hmmm? Okay, let’s go to the couch, and we will sit down. Now, what’s happening with you? Hmmm?
Lisa: Nothing much. Do you want some coffee?
Claudette: What’s wrong? Tell me.
Lisa: I’m not feeling good today.
Claudette: Well, why not?
Lisa: I don’t love him anymore.
Claudette: Why don’t you love him anymore? Tell me.
Lisa: He’s so boring.
Claudette: You’ve known him for over five years. You’re engaged. You said you loved him. He supports you, he provides for you, and darling, you can’t support yourself. He’s a wonderful man, and he loves you very much. And his position is very secure. And he told me he plans to buy you a house.
Lisa: That’s why he’s so boring!
Claudette: Well, what are you going to do?
Lisa: I don’t know. I don’t mind living with him.
Claudette: Well, you can’t do that. Have you talked to him about it?
Lisa: No. I don’t know what to do.
Claudette: Well, he’s a wonderful person. And he’s getting a promotion very soon. Now he bought you a car, he bought you a ring, clothes, whatever you wanted, and now you want to dump him. That’s not right. I’ve always thought of him as my son-in-law. You should marry Johnny, he would be good for you.
Lisa: I guess you’re right about that.
Claudette: Well, of course I’m right. I know men! I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m glad you’re listening to your mother. Nobody else listens to me.
Lisa: You’re probably right about that, mom.
Claudette: Well, I’m glad you’re listening to your mother. Listen, I’ve gotta go. But you remember what I told you, okay? M-hm. Bye bye now.
Claudette exits
Lisa: (sarcastically) Thanks, mom.
The same room, later in the day. Lisa picks up the phone and Mark answers on the other end.
Mark: Hello?
Lisa: Hey baby, how are you doing?
Mark: Oh hey, how you doing? Yeah, I’m very busy, what’s going on?
Lisa: I just finished talking to my mom. She gave me this big lecture about Johnny.
Mark: Look, we’ll talk about it later. I told you, I’m very busy.
Lisa: We’ll talk about it now! Whenever you say we’ll talk about it later, we never do. I can’t wait till later. I want to talk right now. You owe me one anyway.
Mark: Okay. Alright, what do you want to talk about?
Lisa: She’s a stupid bitch. She wants to control my life. I’m not going to put up with that. I’m going to do what I want to do, and that’s it. What do you think I should do?
Mark: I mean, why do you ask me? You know, you’ve been very happy with Johnny. What do you want me to say? I mean, you should enjoy your life. What’s the problem?
Lisa: Maybe, you’re right. Can I see you tomorrow?
Mark: Okay. Alright, how about noon?
Lisa: I’ll be waiting for you. Bye.
Mark: Alright, see you.
Cut to gratuitous footage of a cable car in downtown San Francisco.
Back in the room, Lisa answers the door. Mark enters.
Mark: Hi. How you doing?
Lisa: I’m fine, come in. Have a seat. (they are silent while she pours wine and offers it)
Mark: Thank you.
Lisa: It’s hot in here. (she unbuttons the top of her blouse) Do you mind?
Mark: No.
Lisa approaches Mark in her strapless black dress.
Mark: I mean the candles, the music, the sexy dress, I mean, what’s going on here?
Lisa: I like you very much, loverboy.
Mark: What are you doing this for?
Lisa: What’s the matter? Don’t you like me? I’m your girl?
Mark: Johnny’s my best friend. You’re going to be married next month. Come on.
Lisa: Forget about Johnny. This is between you and me.
Mark: I don’t think so. I’m leaving now.
Lisa: Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave. I need you. I love you. I don’t want to get married anymore. I don’t love Johnny. I dream about you. I need you to make love to me.
Mark: I don’t think so. Everything’s going to be fine, I promise.
They proceed to kiss, then have fully clothed three-minute sex on the spiral stairs to the tune of terrible R&B (“you are my rose”).
Mark: Why did you do this to me? Why? Johnny’s my best friend.
Lisa: Didn’t you enjoy it?
Mark: That’s not the point.
Lisa: I love you, Mark.
Mark: Look, you’re very attractive, alright? You’re beautiful. But we can’t do this anymore. I can’t hurt Johnny.
Lisa: I know. He’s your best friend.
Mark: Hey. This will be our secret.
They kiss.
Cut to exterior shot of a hilly San Francisco street. Johnny’s car pulls up to a flower shop.
Johnny enters the flower shop.
Johnny: Hi.
Florist: Can I help you?
Johnny: (removing sunglasses) Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please?
Florist: Oh hi, Johnny, I didn’t know it was you. Here you go.
Johnny: That’s me! How much is it?
Florist: It’ll be eighteen dollars.
Johnny: Here you go, keep the change. Hi doggy!
Florist: You’re my favorite customer.
Johnny: Thanks a lot, bye!
Florist: Bye bye!
Johnny exits with the roses and gets in his car.
Cut to Lisa in the room, talking on the phone.
Lisa: Yeah, delivery. 555-4828. Half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese. Thanks.
She hangs up, and the doorbell rings.
Lisa: Who is it?
Denny: Denny!
Lisa: Hey Denny, how are you doing?
Denny: I’m fine. What’s new?
Lisa: Actually I’m really busy. Do you want something to drink?
Denny: No thanks. I just want to talk to Johnny. You look beautiful today. Can I kiss you?
Lisa: You are such a little brat!
Denny: I’m just kidding! I love you and Johnny.
Lisa: Okay, okay. Johnny’s going to be here any minute. You can wait if you want.
Denny: I gotta go. You’ll tell him I stopped by.
Lisa: Of course.
Denny: Bye.
Lisa: Bye, Denny.
Cut to exterior shot of the house. Johnny’s car pulls up.
Johnny enters the room.
Johnny: Hi babe. These are for you. (he presents a bouquet of roses)
Lisa: Thanks honey, they’re beautiful. Did you get your promotion?
Johnny: Nah.
Lisa: You didn’t get it, did you?
Johnny: That son of a bitch told me that I would get it within three months. I save them bundles. They’re crazy. I don’t think I will ever get it. They betray me, they didn’t keep their promise, they tricked me, and I don’t care anymore.
Lisa: Did you tell them how much you save them?
Johnny: Of course, what do you think? They already put my ideas into practice. The bank saves money, and they are using me, and I am the fool.
Lisa: I still love you.
Johnny: You’re the only one who does.
Lisa: At least you have friends. I didn’t get any calls today. You’re right. The computer business is too competitive. Do you want me to order a pizza?
Johnny: Whatever, I don’t care.
Lisa: I already ordered a pizza.
Johnny: You think about everything, ha-ha.
Lisa: What’s the matter? Are you alright? It’s just a lousy promotion. You know what you need? You need a drink.
Johnny: I don’t drink, you know that!
Cut to Lisa emerging from the kitchen with, it seems, scotch and vodka.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha-ha.
She mixes them to form scotchka.
Lisa: Don’t worry about it. It’s good for you.
Johnny: You must be crazy. I cannot drink this.
Lisa: If you love me, you’ll drink this.
She raises his glass to his mouth and he drinks.
Johnny: You’re right, it tastes good. A-ha.
Lisa: I know. I am right. Don’t worry about those fuckers. You’re a good man. Drink and let’s have some fun.
They drink. Cut to later, when they have had quite a bit to drink and Lisa is now wearing Johnny’s tie as a headband.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha. A-ha-ha-ha. Mmm.
Lisa laughs hysterically. Johnny drops and shatters a glass.
Johnny: You have nice legs, Lisa. Ha-ha.
Lisa: (laughing) You have nice pecs.
Johnny: A-ha-ha. I’m tired, I’m wasted, I love you darling!
Lisa: Come on, make love to me.
Johnny: Unhhh…
Lisa: Come on, you owe me one.
Johnny: I love you, Lisa.
Lisa: I love you, Johnny. (she rips open his shirt)
They make out on the couch, and then we cut to the bedroom for a lovemaking sequence that seems to be recut from their previous lovemaking sequence, but with a different terrible R&B song. Mercifully, it only lasts for about a minute.
Cut to the famous “painted ladies” of San Francisco.
Cut to the room.
Lisa: So I’m organizing the party for Johnny’s birthday. Can you come?
Claudette: When is it?
Lisa: Next Friday at six. It’s a surprise.
Claudette: Oh.
Lisa: You can bring someone if you want.
Claudette: Well, sure, I can come. But I don’t know if I’ll bring anybody. Oh! That jerk Harold. He wants me to give him a share of my house. That house belongs to me. He has no right. I’m not giving him a penny. Who does he think he is?
Lisa: He’s your brother!
Claudette: He’s always bugging me about my house. Fifteen years ago, we agreed, that house belongs to me. Now the value of the house is going up and he’s seeing dollar signs. Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I’m dying.
Lisa: You’re not dying, mom.
Claudette: I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.
Lisa: Look, don’t worry about it. Everything will be fine. They’re curing lots of people every day.
Claudette: I’m sure I’ll be alright. Oh! I heard Edward is talking about me. He is a hateful man. Oh, I’m so glad I divorced him.
Lisa: Don’t worry about it. You just concentrate on getting well.
Claudette: Well at least you have a good man.
Lisa: You’re wrong! Mom, he’s not what you think he is. He didn’t get his promotion. And he got drunk last night. And he hit me.
Claudette: Johnny doesn’t drink! What are you talking about?
Lisa: He did last night. And I don’t love him anymore.
Claudette: Johnny is your financial security. You can’t afford to ignore this.
Lisa: Yeah, okay mom. Can I just talk to you later?
Claudette: You don’t want to talk to me.
Lisa: I just got done talking with a client, and I have to get ready to meet him. Can I just talk to you later?
Claudette: Okay. I will see you later. Bye bye.
Claudette exits. Cut to an exterior shot of the house.
Cut to the room. Michelle and Mike enter, nervously.
Michelle: How much time do we have?
Mike: I dunno, uh, a couple hours? At least.
Michelle: Well, let’s have some fun.
They sit on the couch and Mike opens a box of chocolates.
Mike: Did you, uh, know, that chocolate is the symbol of love?
Michelle: (laughing) Feed me.
Mike puts a chocolate in Michelle’s mouth and then makes out with her. He puts a chocolate on her chest and eats it off of her.
Michelle: Yum!
Mike: It’s delicious!
Michelle: Arms up! (she takes off Mike’s shirt) Chocolate is a symbol of love.
Michelle places a chocolate in Mike’s mouth and then makes out with him. She starts to go down on him, although he begins reacting with comically exaggerated orgasm faces before she’s in position to do anything.
Cut to an exterior shot of the painted ladies.
Cut to the room, where Mike and Michelle are startled by Lisa and Claudette entering.
Claudette: Hello? What are these characters doing here?
Lisa: They like to come here to do their… homework.
Claudette: What homework?
Lisa: Mom, this is Michelle’s boyfriend Mike. Mike, this is my mother.
Mike: It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Claudette: Mm.
Michelle: Uh-huh.
Mike and Michelle exit.
Claudette: Unh. Oh, all that shopping wore me out.
Denny enters.
Denny: Hi Lisa.
Lisa: Hey Denny. Denny, this is my mom. Mom, this is Denny.
Claudette: How many people come in and out of this apartment every day? This is worse than Grand Central Station!
Denny: I just need to borrow some sugar.
Lisa: Help yourself, Denny.
Denny: I also need a cup of flour and half a stick of butter.
Claudette: Doesn’t your home have a kitchen?
Denny: I’ll come back later.
Denny exits.
Claudette: Tell me, what does Denny do?
Lisa: Johnny wanted to adopt Denny. It’s really a tragedy how many kids out there don’t have parents. When Denny turned eighteen, Johnny found him a little apartment here in this building and he’s paying for it until he graduates from school. Johnny really loves Denny even though he doesn’t say it much. He’s like a father figure to him. I told you, mom, Johnny is very caring about the people in his life. And he gave Denny his own set of keys to our place.
Claudette: Please, don’t hurt Johnny. Now if you really don’t love him, so be it, but you should tell him.
Mike enters.
Mike: I forgot my, uh, book.
He grabs a book but somehow this leads to Claudette holding his underwear.
Claudette: What’s this?
Everyone laughs.
Mike: That’s nothing!
Mike takes the underwear and exits as everyone continues to laugh.
Claudette: Homework!
Lisa: (laughing) Don’t worry about it.
Claudette: If I were a burglar, you would be my best friend.
Lisa: Look, I don’t want to talk about it.
Claudette: You know I worry about you. I have to go home.
Lisa: Okay, mom.
Claudette: Bye bye.
Claudette exits.
Lisa: (sighing) Oh my god.
Cut to exterior shot of the San Francisco skyline.
Cut to the roof, where Denny is dribbling a basketball. This scene is in HD for some reason. Chris-R enters.
Chris-R: Hey, Denny.
Denny: Chris-R. I’ve been looking for you.
Chris-R: Yeah, sure you have. You have my money, right?
Denny: Yeah. It’s coming. It’ll be here in a few minutes.
Chris-R: What do you mean it’s coming, Denny? Where’s my money?
Denny: Okay. Just give me five minutes. Just give me five!
Chris-R: Five minutes? You want five fucking minutes, Denny? You know what? I haven’t got five fucking minutes! (he pulls a gun on Denny) I’m going to ask you again, Denny. Where’s my money?
Denny: I don’t have anything.
Chris-R: Where’s my money, Denny? Where’s my fucking money, Denny? What’d you do with my fucking money?
Denny: I swear to god, it’s coming!
Chris-R: Where’s my fucking money, Denny?
Denny: Put the gun down.
Mark and Johnny enter.
Chris-R: My fucking money! Where’s my fucking money, Denny?
Johnny and Mark grab Chris-R and disarm him. Lisa and Claudette enter, or rather, they are suddenly in the scene without explanation.
Lisa: What’s going on?!
Johnny and Mark haul Chris-R away amid indecipherable commotion.
Johnny: Let’s take him to the police.
Lisa: Denny, are you okay? What did that man want from you?
Denny: Nothing.
Claudette: Oh, that was not nothing!
Lisa: Tell me everything!
Claudette: You have no idea what kind of trouble you’re in here, do you?
Denny: I owe him some money.
Lisa: What kind of money?
Denny: I owe him some money.
Lisa: What kind of money?
Denny: Everything is okay, he’s gone!
Claudette: Everything is not okay. Denny, that is a dangerous man!
Denny: Calm down, he’s going to jail!
Lisa: Denny, what kind of money, just tell me!
Claudette: What do you need money for?
Lisa: Mom, please, Denny’s with me and Johnny!
Claudette: A man like that, with a gun! My god!
Lisa: Denny, look at me in the eyes and tell me the truth. We’re your friends.
Denny: I bought some drugs off of him. Things got mixed up. I didn’t mean for this to happen.
Lisa: (sobbing) Denny…
Denny: But I don’t have them anymore.
Lisa: What kind of drugs, Denny?
Denny: It doesn’t matter, I don’t have them anymore.
Claudette: It doesn’t matter? How in the hell did you get involved with drugs? What are you, giving them to him, selling them to him? Where the hell did you meet that man?
Lisa: What kind of drugs do you take?!
Denny: It’s nothing like that!
Lisa: What the hell is wrong with you?!
Denny: I just needed some money to pay off some stuff.
Lisa: How much do you have to give him?
Claudette: This is not the way you make money!
Lisa: How much?!
Denny: Stop ganging up on me!
Claudette: Well it is time somebody ganged up on you, for god’s sake! A man like that! Where in the hell did you meet a man like that?
Denny: It doesn’t matter!
Claudette: It matters a great deal! A man holds a gun on you, you almost got killed, you expect me to forget that happened?
Denny: You’re not my fucking mother!
Claudette: You listen to me, boy!
Lisa: No!
Claudette: Somebody had better do something around here.
Lisa hugs and comforts Denny. Johnny enters.
Johnny: Are you okay, Denny?
Denny: I’m okay.
Johnny: Are you okay?
Denny: I’m okay!
Mark has materialized behind Claudette and Lisa.
Claudette: What’s okay? He’s taking drugs.
Mark: Come on, stop, it was a mistake.
Claudette: A mistake, that he takes drugs.
Johnny: Let’s go home.
Mark: Come on, it’s clear.
Claudette: What’s clear? I am going to call the police.
Lisa: Mom, stop, it was Denny’s mistake, just stop!
Mark: Let’s go.
Mark and Claudette exit.
Johnny: Why did you do this? You know better, right? Why?!
Denny: I’m sorry.
Johnny: You know better, Denny, you almost got killed.
Denny: I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, I promise.
Lisa: Denny, you know that Johnny’s like your father. And we’re your friends. We’re going to help you.
Johnny: Let’s go home.
Everyone exits.
Cut to Mark on the phone with Lisa.
Lisa: I miss you.
Mark: I just saw you! What are you talking about?
Lisa: I’m just wanting to hear your sexy voice. I keep thinking about your strong hands around my body. It excites me so much. I love you.
Mark: Is Johnny there?
Lisa: He’s in the shower.
Mark: I don’t understand you. Why do you do things like this?
Lisa: Because I love you. You just don’t care, do you?
Mark: I do care. But we agreed, it’s over between us.
Lisa: I understand, it’s our secret. But I still have feelings for you. You just don’t care.
Mark: I do care!
Lisa: I have to go now. I’ll see you later, darling.
Mark: Don’t call me that.
Lisa: Okay, bye.
They hang up.
Cut to the roof. Johnny enters, mid-sentence.
Johnny: I did not hit her! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not hit her! I did not! (he throws a water bottle to the floor) Oh, hi Mark.
Mark: (holding a football) Oh hey Johnny, what’s up?
Johnny: I have a problem with Lisa. She says that I hit her.
Mark: What? Well did you?
Johnny: No, it’s not true! Don’t even ask! What’s new with you?
Mark: Well I’m just sitting up here thinking, you know? I got a question for you.
Johnny: Yeah.
Mark: You think girls like to cheat like guys do?
Johnny: What makes you say that?
Mark: I dunno. I dunno, I’m just, I’m just thinking.
Johnny: I don’t have to worry about that because Lisa is loyal to me.
Mark: Yeah man, you never know. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl, she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up so bad she ended up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.
Johnny: A-ha-ha-ha! What a story, Mark!
Mark: Yeah, you can say that again.
Johnny: I’m so happy I have you as my best friend, and I love Lisa so much.
Mark: Yeah, man. Yeah, you are very lucky.
Johnny: Well maybe you should have a girl, Mark.
Mark: Yeah. Yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe I have one already. I don’t know yet.
Johnny: Well, what happened? Remember Betty? That’s her name?
Mark: Betty?
Johnny: Yeah.
Mark: Yeah, we don’t see each other anymore. You know, she wasn’t any good in bed. She was beautiful, but we had too many arguments.
Johnny: That’s too bad. My Lisa is great when I can get it.
Mark: Oh, man, I just can’t figure women out. Sometimes they’re just too smart, sometimes they’re just flat-out stupid, other times they’re just evil.
Johnny: It seems to me like you’re the expert, Mark!
Mark: No. Definitely not an expert, Johnny.
Johnny: What’s bothering you, Mark?
Mark: Nothing, man.
Johnny: Do you, do you have some secrets? Why don’t you tell me?
Mark: Forget it! Forget it, dude!
Johnny: Is there some secret, tell me.
Mark: No, forget it, I’ll talk to you later!
Mark hands off the football to Johnny and exits.
Johnny: Well, whatever.
Denny enters, passing Mark.
Denny: Hey Johnny.
Johnny: Oh hi, Denny.
Denny: What’s wrong with Mark?
Johnny: He’s cranky today. A-ha-ha-ha. Girl trouble, I guess. What’s new with you?
Denny: Not much. Still going to the movie tonight?
Johnny: Sure, we are.
Denny: What kind of movie are we going to see?
Johnny: Well we’ll see… Denny, don’t plan too much. It may not come out right.
Denny: Alright. Let’s toss the ball around.
Johnny: Okay.
They proceed to play short-distance catch with the football while talking.
Denny: Gotta tell you about something.
Johnny: Shoot, Denny.
Denny: It’s about Lisa.
Johnny: Go on.
Denny: She’s beautiful. She looks great in a red dress. I think I’m in love with her.
Johnny: Go on.
Denny: I know she doesn’t like me because sometimes she’s mean to me, but sometimes when I’m around her, I feel like I want to kiss her and tell her I love her. I don’t know. I’m just confused.
Johnny: Denny, don’t worry about that. Lisa loves you too. As a person, as a human being, as a friend. You know people don’t have to say it. They can feel it.
Denny: What do you mean?
Johnny: You can love someone deep inside your heart, and there is nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live.
Denny: Lisa’s your future wife!
Johnny: Denny, don’t worry about it. You are part of our family, and we love you very much. And we will help you anytime. And Lisa loves you too. As a friend. You are sort of like her son.
Denny: You mean you’re not upset with me?
Johnny: No, because I trust you and I trust Lisa. What about Elizabeth, hunh?
Denny: Well… I love her.
Johnny: M-hm.
Denny: When I graduate from college, get a good job, I want to marry her and have kids with her.
Johnny: That’s the idea.
Denny: You’re right. Thanks for paying my tuition.
Johnny: You’re very welcome, Denny, and keep in mind, if you have any problems, talk to me, and I will help you.
Denny: Awesome. Thanks, Johnny.
Johnny: Let’s go eat, hunh? Come on, let’s go. Let’s go. I’m starving.
They exit.
Cut to an exterior panning shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.
Cut to the room, where Michelle and Lisa are talking. Lisa’s neck is bulging throughout this scene, which means very few people have ever heard the dialogue.
Michelle: So how’s Johnny?
Lisa: He didn’t get his promotion.
Michelle: Is he disappointed?
Lisa: Quite a bit. He got drunk last night. And he hit me.
Michelle: He hit you?!
Lisa: He didn’t know what he was doing.
Michelle: Are you okay?
Lisa: Well, I don’t want to marry him anymore.
Michelle: What?!
Lisa: Johnny’s okay. But I found somebody else.
Michelle: Lisa! This isn’t right. You’re living with one guy and you’re sleeping with another guy?
Lisa: I’m doing what I want to do.
Michelle: Well who is he?
Lisa: His best friend. And he lives in this building.
Michelle: I can’t believe you’re telling me this. It’s Mark, isn’t it? Lisa, you know, you’re just thinking about yourself. Somebody’s going to get hurt. You’ve got to be honest with Johnny.
Lisa: I can’t do that. He would be devastated.
Michelle: Well, if you care so much for him, why cheat on him?
Lisa: Look, I really don’t know what to do. I love Mark. I don’t have any more feelings for Johnny.
Michelle: Johnny’s so excited about this wedding.
Lisa: I know.
Michelle: You’ve got to tell Johnny.
Lisa: No guilt-trips.
Michelle: You don’t feel guilty about this at all.
Lisa: No. I’m happy.
Michelle: Something awful is going to happen.
Lisa: Please don’t tell anybody.
Cut to exterior shot of the house. Johnny is approaching. He picks up the paper.
Cut to the room.
Michelle: Don’t worry. You can trust me. Your secret is safe with me.
Johnny enters.
Johnny: Hello Michelle. I heard you. What secret?
Lisa: It’s between us women.
Michelle: Hi Johnny.
Johnny: Did you get a new dress?
Michelle: Um… well, I guess I better be going. I’ll just talk to you guys later?
Lisa: Excuse me.
Michelle: Lisa, remember what I told you.
Michelle exits.
Johnny: What’s she talking about?
Lisa: It’s girl talk. I just told you that.
Johnny: I never hit you. You shouldn’t have any secrets from me. I’m your future husband.
Lisa: You sure about that? Maybe I’ll change my mind.
Johnny: Don’t talk like that. What do you mean?
Lisa: What do you think? Women change their minds all the time.
Johnny: A-ha-ha-ha. You must be kidding, aren’t you?
Lisa: Look, I don’t want to talk about it. I’m going to go upstairs, and wash up, and go to bed.
Johnny: (shoving Lisa down onto the couch) How dare you talk to me like that! You should tell me everything!
Lisa: I can’t talk right now.
Johnny: Why Lisa, why Lisa, please talk to me, please! You’re part of my life, you are everything, I could not go on without you, Lisa.
Lisa: You’re scaring me.
Johnny: You’re lying, I never hit you. You are tearing me apart, Lisa!
Lisa: Why are you so hysterical?!
Johnny: Do you understand life? Do you?
Lisa gets up and heads upstairs.
Lisa: Don’t worry about it. Everything will be alright.
Johnny: You drive me crazy.
Lisa: Goodnight, Johnny.
Johnny: Don’t worry about it. I still love you. Goodnight, Lisa.
Cut to a long tracking shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.
Cut to an alleyway, where Mike approaches Johnny.
Mike: Hey, what’s going on, man?
Johnny: Oh hi, Mike, what’s new?
Mike: Um, actually, Johnny, I got, I got a little bit of a tragedy on my hands, yeah. Me and Michelle, we were, we were making out, uh, at your place…
Johnny: A-ha-ha.
Mike: …and, uh, Lisa and Claudette sort of, uh, walked in on us in the middle of it. That’s not the end of the story.
Johnny: Go on, I’m listening.
Mike: Okay. We’re going at it, and um, I get out of there as fast as possible, you know, I get my pants, I get my shirt, and I get out of there. And then about halfway down the stairs, I realize that I have misplaced, I’ve forgotten something. Um, my underwear.
They both chuckle.
Mike: So I come back to get it, I pretend that I need a book, you know, I’m like looking for my book, and then I reach and put the underwear in my pocket, sort of slide out real quick. Well Claudette, she saw it sticking out of my pocket, so she pulls it out, and she’s, uh, showing everybody me underwears.
Johnny: You must be kidding. Underwear, I got the picture.
Mike: Yeah, I dunno what…
Johnny: That’s life.
Mike: Nah.
Johnny: Yeah.
Denny enters, with a football.
Denny: Hey Johnny! Hey Mike!
Johnny: Oh hey, Denny.
Denny: Do you want to play some football?
Mike: I gotta go see Michelle in a little bit to make out with her.
Denny: Oh, pshhh, come on!
Johnny: Come on, it’s good for you, come on.
Mike: Alright, whatever, whatever.
Johnny: Let’s go for it.
Mike: I’m going out.
They proceed to toss the football around in close quarters, like you do.
Mike: Yeah, sorry you had to see that.
Denny: I’m not sorry! (gibberish) Studying, right? (more gibberish) I don’t study like that.
Johnny: He doesn’t.
Mark enters.
Mark: Hey, Denny, what’s up?
Denny: Hey, what’s up, Mark?
Johnny: Hi Mark.
Denny: Catch it, come on, man.
Mike: Not much.
Denny: He’s just telling us about an underwear issue he had.
Mike: No, don’t…
Mark: Underwear? What’s that?
Mike: It’s embarrassing, man, I don’t want to get into it.
Mark: Underwear? Man, come on…
Mark inexplicably shoves Mike into a trashcan.
Mike: Oh, God!
Denny: You okay? Are you okay?
Mike: Yeah, I’m fine!
Denny: Are you sure?
Mike: Yeah, uh-huh.
Denny: Do you need to see a doctor?
Mike: No, no, I’m tough. I’m good, I’m alright, I’m fine.
Johnny: Mark, why don’t you take him home? And Mike, listen, if you need anything, call me anytime, alright? Are you alright?
Mike: Yeah.
Denny: See you guys.
Mark and Mike exit
Johnny: Let’s go home, Denny.
Denny and Johnny exit with the football.
Cut to the room, which Claudette and Lisa are entering.
Lisa: You look really tired today, mom. Are you feeling okay?
Claudette: I didn’t get much sleep last night.
Lisa: Why not?
Claudette: You remember my friend Shirley Hamilton?
Lisa: Uh-huh.
Claudette: She wants to buy a new house, and so I asked Johnny if he could help her with the down payment. All he can tell me is it’s an awkward situation. I expected your husband to be a little more generous.
Lisa: He’s not my husband.
Claudette: I know, but Johnny is part of our family.
Lisa: Mom, I don’t love Johnny anymore. I don’t even like him. I had sex with someone else.
Claudette: You can’t be serious.
We see that Johnny is listening from the staircase.
Lisa: You don’t understand.
Claudette: Who? Who is it?
Lisa: I don’t want to talk about it.
Claudette: You don’t want to talk about it. Then why did you bring it up in the first place?
Lisa: I don’t know.
Claudette: You don’t know. If you think I’m tired today, wait till you see me tomorrow.
Lisa: Are you coming to the party?
Claudette: Sure. I suppose so.
They exit.
Johnny: How can they say this about me? I don’t believe it. I show them. I will record everything.
Johnny descends the staircase and tediously installs a primitive tape recorder under the phone, then exits upstairs.
Cut to the room, where Johnny and Peter are talking.
Johnny: I don’t understand women. Do you, Peter?
Peter: (laughs) What man does? What’s the problem?
Johnny: They never say what they mean, and they always play games.
Peter: Okay… um… what do you mean?
Johnny: I have a serious problem with Lisa. Um, I don’t think she’s faithful to me. In fact I know she isn’t.
Peter: Lisa? Are you sure?
Johnny: Yeah I’m sure, I overheard a conversation between Lisa and her mother. What should I do, Peter?
Peter: This is Lisa we’re talking about?
Johnny: Yeah.
Peter: I don’t know what to say.
Johnny: But you’re a psychologist. Do you have some advice?
Peter: It’s a complicated situation, Johnny. I mean you’re my friend. I don’t want to get between you and Lisa. Look. If you want to, you should confront her.
Johnny: I can’t confront her! I want to give her a second chance, after all, she’s my future wife. You know what they say: “love is blind.”
Peter: You’ve got a lot of faith in Lisa. Sometimes, life gets complicated. The unexpected can happen. When it does, you just gotta deal with it.
The doorbell rings.
Peter: Did you hear the door?
Johnny: Yeah. (answers the door) Oh hi, Mark. Come in.
Mark enters.
Mark: Oh, hey, Johnny. Hey Peter!
Johnny: We’re just talking about women.
Mark: (long pause) Women, man. Women just confuse me. Ahhh. I have a girl. She’s married, I mean she’s very attractive, it’s driving me crazy.
Peter: Why didn’t you mention this before? Is it anyone I know?
Mark: Nah man, you don’t know her.
Johnny: Can I meet her?
Mark: I don’t think so. It’s an awkward situation.
Johnny: You mean she’s too old, or you think I will take her away from you? Hunh?
Peter: (laughs)
Mark: (laughs) No.
Johnny: I have my own problems.
Peter: Tell me about your problems, Johnny.
Johnny: Peter, you always play psychologist with us!
Peter: Look, I’m just your friend, and I’m just worried about you.
Johnny: Lisa is teasing me about whether we are going to get married or not. And we didn’t make love in a while. And I don’t know what to do.
Peter: You never really know. I mean, look, you should tell her about your feelings, okay? You shouldn’t hide them. You two have been together forever. You can work out anything as long as you talk about it.
Johnny: Not always!
Peter: People are people. Sometimes they just can’t see their own faults.
Mark: Hey, I’m thinking of moving to a bigger place, man, I’m making some good money.
Peter: Look. You should tell her the truth. I mean you’re doing this for your girl, right?
Johnny: You’re right, Peter. Ha-ha. Is she getting a divorce, Mark?
Mark: (laughs) You guys are too much. Hey are you running, uh, Bay to Breakers this year?
Johnny: I am, sure.
Peter: I’m not doing it this year.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha, chicken, Peter, you’re just a little chicken! Cheep, cheep cheep cheep cheep chee-ee-ee-eep eeeeeeeeeeee!
Peter: Who are you calling a chicken? I just don’t like all the weirdos, there’s too many weirdos there.
Johnny: (incomprehensible gibberish) I don’t mind. Mark, do you remember the one with big tits, the blondie one?
Mark: How about the one with the bridal gown with the sign?
Johnny: Ha-ha yeah, “can you marry me?”, ha-ha, I thought I would take her up on it, ha-ha.
Mark: I never ate so much.
Johnny: Yeah, the barbecue chicken was delicious, rice, that was cool.
Peter: You guys proved my point. You’re both weird. You guys want to play cards?
Johnny: No we can’t. I expect Lisa any minute.
Mark: Hey come on, man, who’s the king of the house?
Peter: Yeah, you’ve got to establish these guidelines before you get married. Speaking of, how’d you ever meet Lisa? You never told us.
Johnny: Well that’s a very interesting story, when I moved to San Francisco with two suitcases and I didn’t know anyone and I have, uh, I head to YMCA with a $2000 check which I could not cash.
Mark: Why not?
Johnny: Well because it was an out of state bank. Anyway, uh, I was working as a busboy in a hotel, and uh, uh, she was sitting, drinking her coffee, and she was so beautiful, and I say hi to her. That’s how we met.
Mark: So, I mean, what’s the interesting part?
Johnny: Well the interesting part is that on our first date, she paid for dinner.
Mark: What? No tips from your job?
Johnny: Whatever. Do you guys want to eat something?
Johnny exits to the kitchen. Lisa enters.
Lisa: Hi guys. What’s going on?
Mark: Oh, hey Lisa.
Peter: Hi Lisa.
Denny materializes behind Lisa, then proceeds to stare out the window for some reason.
Lisa: Where’s Johnny?
Mark: In the kitchen. I gotta go.
Lisa: I didn’t mean to chase you off. You should stick around for a while.
Mark: I gotta work early. See ya.
Mark exits. Peter also exits. Denny crouches to the floor. Lisa also crouches to the floor.
Denny: Did you get your wedding gown yet?
Lisa: No. I’ve got plenty of time.
Denny: Are you sure you have plenty of time? It’s only a month away.
Lisa: It’ll be fine. What are you so worried about? Everything’s okay.
Denny: Johnny doesn’t seem very excited. Is there a problem?
Lisa: There’s no problem. Why do you ask?
Denny: I just want you and Johnny to be happy.
They both stand up.
Lisa: I am happy. Look, Denny, I need to talk to Johnny. Okay? I’ll see you later.
Denny: Okay. Tell him I said hello?
Lisa: Yeah.
Denny exits.
Cut to the roof. Peter enters. Mark is sitting on the roof, clad entirely in denim, smoking what might be a joint.
Peter: Hey, Mark. What’s up?
Mark: Oh, hey Peter.
Peter: It’s a good place to think up here, isn’t it?
Mark: What, man, you want to put me on the clock?
Peter: What the hell is that?
Mark: You want some? It’s good, bro.
Peter: No, I don’t smoke that stuff.
Mark sighs and takes a drag.
Peter: You look depressed.
Mark: I got this sick feeling in my stomach, man. I did something awful. I don’t think I can forgive myself.
Peter: Tell me about it.
Mark: I just feel like, like running. I’m killing myself. Something crazy like that.
Peter: Why are you smoking that crap? It’s no wonder you can’t think straight. It’s gonna screw with your head.
Mark: It’s none of your business, man. You think you know everything. You don’t know shit.
Peter: Listen, who do you think you are? You’re acting like a kid. Just grow up.
Mark: Hey, who are you calling a kid? Fuck you!
Peter: Just chill out, Mark. I’m just trying to help. You’re having an affair with Lisa, aren’t you?
Mark: What?
Peter: Am I wrong?
Mark gets angry and ineffectively tries to push Peter off the roof.
Peter: What are you, nuts? Gahhh!
Peter shoves Mark away.
Mark: Sorry. Sorry man, you okay?
Peter: Yeah, I’m fine. Let’s just talk about your problem.
Mark: You’re sure you’re okay.
Peter: Yeah.
Mark kicks over a chair and a table.
Mark: Goddammit man, fuck. Why do you want to know my secret, man? Well you’re right! It’s Lisa. I don’t know what to do, man. I’m so depressed. It’s all her fault, she’s such a manipulative bitch!
Peter: How the hell did you let this happen?
Mark: Fuck!
Peter: You know this is going to ruin your friendship with Johnny? What were you thinking? Alright, you want my advice? Sometimes, life can get complicated, and you’ve got to be responsible. So you don’t see Lisa again, and you definitely don’t sleep with her again! Just find yourself another girl. She’s a sociopath! She only cares about herself. She can’t love anyone.
Mark: Whatever, dude. Come on.
They exit together.
Cut to an exterior shot of a church in San Francisco.
Cut to the room, where Johnny is wearing a tuxedo and talking on the phone.
Johnny: Oh, thank you. Yeah, thanks a lot.
Denny enters, wearing a tux and carrying a football.
Johnny: Oh, hi Denny. Nice tux, you look great.
Denny: You look really handsome.
Johnny: A-ha-ha.
Denny: Your wedding picture’s gonna look great.
Johnny: Oh, thanks.
The doorbell rings. Denny answers it. Peter enters, wearing a tux.
Denny: Oh hey, Peter, come on in.
Peter: Hey guys.
Johnny: Oh hey, Peter.
Denny: You look good too.
Johnny: Sit down.
The doorbell rings. Denny answers it. Mark enters, clean-shaven and wearing a tux.
Denny: Whoa.
Johnny: Wowwwwww.
Mark: Hey guys. You like it?
Peter: Yeah!
Johnny: You look great. You look a babyface.
Denny: You guys want to play some football?
Peter: In tuxes? No, you gotta be kidding.
Denny: Come on, Mark, let’s do it.
Mark: I’m up for it.
Johnny: A-ha.
Denny: Johnny?
Johnny: Ask Peter.
Denny: Come on, Peter.
Peter: Nah, I don’t think so.
Denny: Please?
Peter: No.
Denny: Come on! Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep! (Johnny and Mark join in)
Cut to the alley, where Johnny, Mark, Peter, and Denny are throwing around the football in tuxedos.
Denny: Catch, Johnny! Alright, Peter! Here we go, Mark!
Mark: Come on! Come on! Come on!
Denny: Catch, Mark!
Mark: Go! Go deep!
Peter tries to go deep, but instead trips and falls.
Denny: Gee Peter, you’re clumsy.
Peter: Alright, that’s it, I’m done. Great idea, Denny.
Everyone helps Peter up and exits.
Cut to an exterior street shot in San Francisco.
Cut to the fountain by the Exploratorium, where Johnny is out walking.
Cut to a coffee shop.
Susan: Are you sure?
Patron 1: I wanna get a slice of cheesecake and a bottle of water.
Patron 2: Um, I’ll have a large peanut butter cup with extra whipped cream, please?
Male Barista: Alright.
Patron 3: And I’ll take a cheesecake and a coffee.
Barista 2: Okay, why don’t you guys have a seat? We’ll have that right out for you.
Susan: Hi, how you doing? What would you like?
Patron 4: Can I get a bagel with a [inaudible]?
Susan: Great, sure.
Patron 5: I’m gonna get a slice of cheesecake and a bottle of water.
Male Barista: Yeah, sounds good. Why don’t you guys have a seat, we’ll have that right out for you.
Johnny and Mark enter.
Johnny: Oh hi, Susan.
Susan: Well, hi Johnny. How are you? Good to see you. What would you like?
Johnny: Hot chocolate, please.
Male Barista: What size?
Johnny: Medium.
Male Barista: Sure.
Susan: How about you?
Mark: I’ll have the mint tea.
Male Barista: Medium also?
Mark: Yeah.
Susan: Go sit down, we’ll be right there.
Johnny and Mark sit down.
Mark: God, I’m so tired of girls’ games.
Johnny: What happened now, Mark?
Mark: Relationships never work, man, I don’t know why I waste my time.
Johnny: What makes you say that?
Mark: It’s not that easy, Johnny.
Johnny: Well, you should be happy, Mark.
Mark: Yeah, I know. Life is too short.
Susan brings the drinks.
Johnny: Oh, thank you so much.
Susan: You’re welcome. How about something like cheesecake?
Johnny: Nah.
Susan: Real good. Alright.
Mark: How was work today?
Johnny: Oh, pretty good. We got a new client at the bank, we make a lot of money.
Mark: What client?
Johnny: I cannot tell you, it’s confidential.
Mark: Aw, come on, why not?
Johnny: No I can’t. Anyway, how is your sex life?
Mark: I can’t talk about it.
Johnny: Why not?
Susan: Take your time.
Johnny: Oh god, I have to run.
Mark: Already?
Johnny: Yeah, I’m sorry.
Mark: Alright, it’s on me. By the way, do you want to go jogging? Golden Gate Park?
Johnny: Yeah, sure, what time?
Mark: Golden Gate Park, 6:30.
Johnny: Right on, yeah.
Mark: Alright, see ya.
Johnny: Okey-dokey, Mark.
Johnny exits.
Cut to the bedroom. Lisa and Mark enter.
Mark: What’s going on here?
Lisa: I like you very much, Mark.
Mark: Look, come on. Johnny’s my best friend.
Lisa: Just one more time.
She takes off his shirt and the fourth terrible R&B-scored love scene commences. It goes on for about two minutes, full of half-hearted moaning, before cutting to black.
Cut to another tracking shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.
Cut to a car parking in Golden Gate Park. Johnny exits to find Mark.
Johnny: Hey.
Mark: Hey Johnny, how’s it going?
Johnny: Good.
They run side by side tossing the football in the park. There’s barely audible and completely uninteresting dialogue. They say “what’s new with you” a lot. Johnny wrestles Mark to the ground.
Cut to a shot of the San Francisco skyline.
Cut to the room, where Lisa is sweeping. The doorbell rings.
Lisa: Who is it?
Mark: Delivery man! It’s me, Lisa, come on, open up.
Lisa: Come on in.
Mark enters.
Lisa: Hey Mark.
Mark: Wow, so, uh, you gonna be ready?
Lisa: How do you mean that? I’m always ready. For you.
Mark: I mean for the party.
Lisa: We have plenty of time. All I have to do is put on my party dress.
Lisa drops the broom and takes her shirt off.
Mark: Wait, what are you doing?
Lisa: Nothing.
She takes Mark’s shirt off.
Mark: You’re so beautiful.
They start making out. Someone knocks on the door. They bolt upright and start putting their shirts on.
Lisa: Hurry up, I have to open the door.
Mark: Wait! Hang on.
Lisa puts her shirt on but Mark is still struggling with this task.
Lisa: Come on in, it’s open!
Michelle enters in time to see Mark shirtless before he finally manages to dress himself.
Michelle: Hi! I brought the stuff.
Lisa: I knew I could count on you.
Michelle: Hi Mark. XYZ.
Mark: What are you talking about?
Michelle: Examine your zipper!
Everyone giggles.
Michelle: You guys are too much. So, uh, what can I do to help?
Everyone laughs some more.
Mark: I gotta go.
He exits. Michelle and Lisa are cracking up.
Lisa: Want to help me move the coffee table?
Michelle: Okay. What was he doing here?
Lisa: Uh, he just brought by some takeout.
Michelle: What about his zipper?
Lisa: What about his zipper?
They move the coffee table.
Lisa: Leave him alone, he’s a good guy.
Michelle: Did you tell Johnny yet?
Lisa: No. Mark’s his best friend.
Michelle: Tricky tricky.
Lisa: You know, I really loved Johnny at first. Everything’s changed. I need more from life than what Johnny can give me. Suddenly my eyes are wide open and I can see everything so clearly. I want it all.
Michelle: You think you can get it all from Mark?
Lisa: If he can’t give me what I want, somebody else will.
Michelle: Lisa, you’re sounding just like your mother. You’re being so manipulative.
Lisa: So what? You can learn something from me. You have to take as much as you can. You have to live, live, live. Don’t worry about me. I have everything covered.
Michelle: Your point of view is so different from mine.
Lisa: Look. I don’t want to talk about it. People are going to be getting here soon and we have to finish.
Michelle: Lisa!
Lisa: I don’t see what the big deal is. Doesn’t everybody look out for number one? Don’t I deserve the best?
Michelle: I couldn’t do that. You’re too much for me, Lisa.
Lisa: You know, you’re not such an angel yourself.
Michelle: Yeah, but we’re not talking about me, are we?
Michelle attacks Lisa with a pillow. A strange pillow vs broom fight ensues.
Lisa: (laughing) Stop it! Are you trying to ruin my party?
Cut to a tracking shot of the Golden Gate Bridge.
Cut to Johnny and Mark running in the woods and muttering at each other.
Johnny: Yeah, that’s the idea.
Mark: Catch me, come on.
Cut to a shot of a staircase in San Francisco, which Johnny and Mark are running up.
Mark: Yeah I’m looking for some offers in Sausalito. How are the [inaudible] like these days?
Johnny: Pretty good, yeah, you’d be qualified.
Mark: You serious?
Johnny: Yeah, I’m sure.
Mark: Well when can we meet about that?
Johnny: Well, we can talk about this tomorrow.
Mark: Tomorrow?
Johnny: Yeah.
Mark: Maybe late afternoon?
Johnny: Absolutely. Three o’clock?
Mark: Really? Wow, that’s great.
Cut to Johnny’s car pulling onto a residential street and parking in front of his house. Johnny and Mark exit the car.
Cut to an illuminated building on Columbus at night.
Cut to a cable car on a busy street in the daytime.
Cut to the room, where Lisa is sitting as Johnny enters.
Johnny: Bye, Lisa. (he pecks her on the cheek)
Johnny opens the door to leave and Claudette enters.
Johnny: Oh hi, Claudette. Bye!
Claudette: Bye!
Johnny exits.
Lisa: Hello mom, how are you?
Claudette: I’m okay, how are you?
Lisa: I’m fixing the apartment for Johnny’s birthday, but I’m really not into it.
Claudette: Oh, why not?
Lisa: Because I’m in love with Mark, not Johnny. And here I am, planning his party.
Claudette: It’s not right, Lisa. I still think you should marry Johnny. Now you can’t live on love. You need financial security.
Lisa: But I’m not happy! He still thinks I’m gonna marry him next month. He’s a fool.
Claudette: You expect to be happy. I haven’t been happy since I married my first husband. I didn’t even want to marry your father.
Lisa: You never told me that!
Claudette: Well it’s true. All men are assholes. Men and women use and abuse each other all the time, there’s nothing wrong with it. Marriage has nothing to do with love.
Lisa: Johnny’s okay, I suppose. Actually, I have him wrapped around my little finger.
Claudette: Well, you should be happy then.
Lisa: But I don’t love him!
Claudette: Don’t throw your life away just because you don’t love him! That’s ridiculous! You need to grow up. And you need to listen to me.
Lisa: Okay, mom, I’ll see you at the party. I just need to be alone right now.
Claudette: Bye bye, my precious.
Claudette exits.
Cut to the Embarcadero, where Johnny is walking.
Cut to the Disney store, where Johnny is walking.
Cut to a dark room. Johnny enters and turns on the lights to find the whole cast.
Everyone: Surprise! (they all sing Happy Birthday while Johnny says things like “wow”, “okay”, and “thank you”)
Johnny toasts with everyone amid various celebratory mumblings. He offers Denny a drink, which Denny says he’ll accept later.
Cut to panning shot of the nighttime San Francisco skyline.
Cut to the party, where various characters and non-characters are engaged in fake conversations. Johnny and Claudette are discussing something. Lisa is flirting with Steven, a character we’ve never seen before who is actually a last-minute replacement for Peter. Mark is watching them. Lisa and Mark exchange flirty looks. Johnny seems concerned. Mike and Michelle are flirting with another couple. Michelle and Mike start feeding each other cake.
Lisa: Hey everybody, let’s go outside for some fresh air.
Everybody exits except for Lisa and Mark.
Lisa: Wait. I have something I want to show you.
Mark: Oh, really?
They get on the couch, and Lisa drapes her legs across Mark’s lap.
Mark: So, uh, what do you want to show me?
Lisa: It’s a surprise.
They start making out.
Mark: What are you doing? I mean, are you crazy? Everybody’s here.
Lisa: No they’re not. They’re all outside.
Mark: You devil. You planned this all along.
They make out some more. Steven enters.
Steven: What’s going on here?
They bolt upright.
Steven: Why are you doing this?
Lisa: I love him.
Steven: I don’t believe it.
Mark: You don’t understand anything, man. Leave your stupid comments in your pocket!
Mark exits.
Steven: Do you understand what you’re doing? You’re going to destroy Johnny. He’s very sensitive.
Lisa: I don’t care. I’m in love with Mark.
Steven: How can you do this? You make me sick.
Johnny and Michelle enter.
Johnny: Thank you, honey. This is a beautiful party. You invited all my friends. Good thinking!
Lisa: You’re welcome, darling. You know how much I love you.
Johnny: I do. Ha-ha-ha.
Lisa: You know, it’s getting really hot in here. Why don’t we go back outside?
Johnny: Mhm. A-ha-ha.
Everyone exits.
Cut to a shot of a busy street at night.
Cut to the party on the roof. Johnny waves at someone below him and off-camera.
Johnny: Hey everybody! I have an announcement to make. We’re expecting!
Everyone congratulates Johnny. Lisa and Steven confront Lisa.
Michelle: Lisa, I have to talk to you. You have got to be honest with Johnny.
Steven: I agree with that.
Lisa: Look, I’m gonna tell him, okay? I just, I don’t want to ruin his birthday.
Steven: When is the baby due?
Lisa: There is no baby.
Steven and Michelle: What?!
Steven: What are you talking about?
Lisa: I told him that to make it interesting. We’re probably going to have a baby eventually anyway. You’re not going to tell Johnny, are you?
Michelle: Lisa, are you feeling okay? Because this is just getting worse and worse.
Steven: I feel like I’m sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off.
Michelle: Me too. There’s no simple solution to this.
Lisa: Don’t worry. You guys worry entirely too much about me.
Michelle: Lisa, we’re not worried about you. We’re worried about Johnny. You don’t understand the psychological impact of what you’re doing here. You’re hurting yourself. You’re hurting our friendship.
Lisa: I am not responsible for Johnny. I’m through with that. I’m changing. I have the right, don’t I? People are changing all the time. I have to think about my future. What’s it to you?
Steven: This is going to pull us all down. It’s going to shake up our group of friends. It’s going to destroy our friendship, Lisa. I don’t think Mark really loves you.
Lisa: I don’t want to talk about it!
Michelle: Lisa, you’re going to have to face it. I for one am going to have a hard time forgiving you if you don’t.
Lisa: Hey everybody! Let’s go inside and eat some cake.
Everyone exits enthusiastically. Michelle looks pained.
Michelle: I don’t understand you, Lisa.
Cut to some random building at night.
Cut to the party, where a random couple is eating cake.
Random dude: Lisa looks hot tonight.
Johnny and Claudette are chatting. Mark and Lisa are arguing.
Mark: Whose baby is it? Is it mine?
Lisa: No, of course not.
Mark: How can you be sure? Come on, Lisa.
Lisa: Stop asking me stupid questions!
Mark: Who the hell do you think you are?
Lisa: Just shut up!
She slaps him.
Johnny: What are you doing? What’s going on here?
Mark: You really don’t know, do you?
Johnny: (shoving Mark) Maybe I know more than you think I do, Mark!
Mark: Shit, alright?
Johnny: (shoving Mark into a table) What do you want from me, hunh?
Mark attacks Johnny. Steven, Lisa, et al pull them apart.
Lisa: Stop it!
Johnny: Alright, alright. Okay, folks, everything is fine. Fight is over, folks. I’m sorry, Mark.
They shake hands.
Mark: Yeah, me too.
Johnny: Lisa, can, can you clean up here, please?
Cut to the skyline at night.
Cut to the party, where Mark and Lisa are dancing. Johnny confronts them
Johnny: What are you doing?
Lisa: None of your business.
Johnny: You’re my future wife. What are you doing, Lisa?
Mark: Leave her alone, man, she doesn’t want to talk to you.
Johnny: (attacking Mark) Since when do you give me orders?
Mark: Since Lisa changed her mind about you. Wake up, man, what planet are you on?
Johnny: I think you should leave right now, Mark.
Lisa: Don’t spoil it, we were just having fun.
Mark: Don’t worry about it, man.
Johnny: Don’t touch me, motherfucker! Get out.
Mark and Johnny fight.
Lisa: Stop it! Stop it! You two are acting like children.
Mark: Son of a bitch.
Lisa: You’re going to ruin the party.
Mark: If you’d keep your girl satisfied, she wouldn’t come to me!
Johnny: Get out of my house! I kill you, I [incomprehensible]!
Lisa: Stop it!
Johnny: I kill you, you bastard.
Mark: You couldn’t kill me if you tried.
Johnny: You betrayed me, you’re not good, you’re just a chicken, cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep.
They fight some more.
Johnny: Shut up!
Steven: It’s over! It’s over!
Johnny: It’s not over! Everybody betray me! I fed up with this world!
Johnny exits upstairs.
Cut to a shot of the Disney store at night.
Cut to Claudette entering the bedroom to find Lisa.
Claudette: I cleaned up the kitchen, sweetheart, so you don’t have to worry about that.
Lisa: He still won’t come out of the bathroom.
Claudette: Sweetheart, he’s upset. Now Johnny is a sensible man. He will come out, you will discuss this, everything is going to be okay.
Lisa: I just think I should be alone with him right now.
Claudette: I understand, sweetheart. I’m going to go home now. Bye bye. You can call me if you need me.
Lisa: I will. Thanks, mom.
Claudette exits downstairs. Lisa tries to open the bathroom door, but it’s locked.
Lisa: You can come out now, Johnny. She’s gone.
Johnny: In a few minutes, bitch.
Lisa: Who are you calling a bitch?
Johnny: You and your stupid mother.
Lisa picks up the phone and calls Mark.
Mark: Hello?
Lisa: Hi, Mark? I need to talk to you.
Mark: What’s going on?
Lisa: Don’t worry about Johnny, he’s just being a big baby. You know, I love you very much.
We see Johnny is straining to hear this through the bathroom door.
Lisa: I love you.
Mark: Why don’t you ditch this creep? I don’t like him anymore.
Lisa: I know. He’s not worth it. Why don’t I come up there and be with you?
Mark: Sure baby, come on up. I want your body.
Lisa: You got it. I’m on my way. Bye.
Mark: Bye.
Johnny enters the bedroom.
Johnny: Who were you talking to?
Lisa: Nobody.
Johnny: We’ll see about that.
Johnny retrieves the tape from the recorder (or something; the technical process here makes very little sense).
Johnny: We’ll see about that.
He plays the tape.
Mark (recording): Hello?
Lisa (recording): Hi, Mark? I need to talk to you.
Mark (recording): What’s going on?
Lisa (recording): Don’t worry about Johnny, he’s just being a big baby. You know, I love you very much. You’re the sparkle of my life (this is a deviation from the original conversation, you’ll note). I can’t live without you. I love you.
Johnny: You little tramp. How could you do this to me?! I gave you seven years of my life! And you betray me. Let’s see what else we have on this tape.
Lisa: No. Stop. You little prick. I put up with you for seven years. You think you’re an angel. You’re just like everybody.
Johnny: I treat you like a princess, and you stab me in the back. I love you, and I did anything for you to just please you, and now you betray me! How could you love him?!
Mark (recording): Why don’t you ditch this creep? I don’t like him anymore.
Lisa (recording): I know, he’s not worth it. Why don’t I come up there and be with you?
Mark (recording): Sure baby, come on up. I want your body.
Lisa (recording): You got it.
Johnny: Aughhhhhhhh!!! (he hurls the tape player against the wall) Everybody betray me. I don’t have a friend in the world.
Lisa: I’m leaving you, Johnny.
Lisa exits downstairs.
Johnny: Get out, get out, get out of my life! Agh!
Johnny collapses on the bed.
Cut to Johnny descending the stairs into the room.
Johnny: Haughhhh-augh! Why, Lisa, why, why?!
Flashback of Lisa laughing with Johnny’s tie around her head.
Flashback of Lisa and Johnny kissing.
Flashback of Lisa and Johnny having sex.
Johnny: You bitch!
Johnny knocks over a bowl of fake fruit, some furniture, and everything on the mantle. He picks up the TV and hurls it out the window.
Johnny: You bitch! You bitch!
Cut to Johnny re-entering the bedroom, howling incomprehensibly. He knocks stuff off the dresser, pulls out all the drawers, and shoves it over. He pulls all the sheets off the bed. He flings himself on the bed.
Flashback to Johnny and Lisa having sex.
Johnny knocks over some more stuff and shatters a mirror. He sits on the floor and picks up Lisa’s red dress.
Flashback to Lisa trying on the dress.
Johnny dry-humps the dress amid flashbacks of fucking Lisa when she was wearing it.
Johnny: You tramp!
He tears the dress up.
Flashback to Lisa and Mark dancing.
Flashback to Lisa saying “I put up with you”
Johnny picks up a box and opens it to reveal a handgun.
Johnny: Why? Why is this happening to me? Why?! It’s over. God, forgive me.
Flashback to Lisa saying “everything will be alright”
Johnny puts the gun in his mouth.
Flashback to Lisa saying “goodbye, Johnny”
Johnny fires the gun and falls backward in slow motion.
Fade to black.
Cut to Mark and Lisa dashing into the bedroom to find Johnny’s bloody corpse.
Mark: Wake up, Johnny, come on!
Johnny is clearly dead and blood is everywhere.
Lisa: Is he dead? (sobbing) My god, Mark, is he dead?
Mark: Yes, he’s dead. Yes he’s dead!
Lisa: (sobbing) Oh my god…
Mark slowly kisses Johnny’s forehead.
Lisa: Oh my god.
Mark and Lisa embrace.
Lisa: I’ve lost him, but I still have you, right? Right?
Mark: You don’t have me. You’ll never have me. You killed him.
Lisa: Mark, we’re free to be together. I love you. I love you!
Mark: Tramp! You killed him. You’re the cause of all of this. I don’t love you. Get out of my life, you bitch!
Denny enters.
Denny: What’s happening?!
Mark: Johnny’s dead!
Denny: Wake up, Johnny, please, please! It’s not right! It’s not right!
Lisa: Denny, he’s in a better place.
Denny: Leave us! Both of you leave.
Mark: As far as I’m concerned, you can drop off the earth. That’s a promise.
Denny: Just leave! Both of you!
Mark: Leave him, alright! Let him be with him!
Denny: Why, Johnny? Why? Johnny, why? Why?
Denny sobs. Mark and Lisa, who were in the process of leaving, rejoin Denny and comfort him. We hear police sirens. The three of them appear to take turns fellating Johnny’s corpse as we hear generic police chatter.
Fade to black and roll credits.
beautiful
How tf does a long ass comment gets posted on the comments
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If you’re a bottom HMU on snap DopeBlessing
*slash* folder *slash* JZAkzIbD#Ee7cn65sNiSoOgK4XRMyAg
Btw, its mega DOT nz.
what was it?
I don’t know what that might’ve been but I’m glad it’s gone.
It was belle Delphine pics. Glad it’s gone too, unfortunately she herself still exists.
Title.
We riot if he doesn’t post till November
Heya so idk just made 18 and my kik is suhkki. If youre weird at least be fat. Hate skinny guys.
Dont let the flame die out!
I feel like it’s been five years
Cum cum
Cum cum
Yo Shad. Can you grab some milk and bread on your way back? P.S. Stay safe.
Yo Shad dad. Go grab some bread and milk for me on your way back, ok? P.S. Stay safe.
Shad really went back to school like he said he would huh
May shadbase rot in peace.
hi
Add me on kik and I’ll send you ass pics. Kik: daniel_.gomez
Bro, Where you at?!
Hmm still waiting…
Female here thats into femboys. kik me:emoqueen12311
female here that is into femboys. kik me: emoqueen12311
2500 left
Hey, I’m horny and want men to sext with, I’m a guy and my Kim is minni35, don’t just say hey
Hey
Super horny right now so send me anything on kik: daniel_.gomez
three fucking months of waiting!!!!
i fucking hope you go back to drawing actual sex when you get back
Send me something good kik: snun1313
We miss you shad.
No we dont
ok
I do
We miss you shad
Man i fucking miss the Shad …..
Does anyone know what actually happened to him or her or whatever
Yeah shad on Twitter said something about he had to do a project before November, he was putting it off for a bit then took it seriously. So I’m assuming until November something
*December. he’s been doing some freelance stuff, and said he’ll be back in december.
Did this dude get arrested? Or is he dead?
Nah he is back check his insta
anyone play animal crossing: new horizons? im doin a gift party for u shad fucks~ drop ur discords in response.
Name Seems legit
…
Fuck it, kik me TehLazyNinja
lets go 10 k
Send me anything and everything. Kik: rabo_the_rat
Lets make our god proud with 10 k comments
Aight preople, just send me anything. And by anything I mean ANYTHING. WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO SEND ME YOU SEND IT ME. I’ll react to it. Kik: brynnhelios42
No Donald Trump
I think Shadman got the coronavirus. :(
Rest in peace
He didn’t
Y u keep saying that
Kik: german_master_
I’m bored and nearly always horny. And looking for a nice submissive girl. Preferably Asian but I take nearly every sub
you get what you get boi
Just send me anything, I’m bored af.
Kik: brynnhelios42
Send me anything ladies and gentlemen, kik: brynnhelios42
Were are u shady daddy i miss u
10k comments that’s the goal
We await the return of the king
:/
Cock when
Send me anything kik djr.r55
Im just trying to bring the comment count up don’t worry about this comment
Horny man with thick dick message me on kik humanbeing459
we miss you, shad
Damn at times like these I wonder, what’s jlullaby up to these days
Yea im bored too send anything to my kik jro588
Sup faggots.
Woooooooooooooooooooooow!
Bye faggot
Miss u bro
Still waiting for the glorious return…
Just bored as hell and looking for nudes tbh, I like femboys but yea hmu anyone @voodooxoxo (I’m a dude btw)
Screw it. I’m horny and curious. Send anything to my kik.
UND34D_KILLER
10k comments before our Lord returns next month
Do Charli and Dixie D’amelio
kys
I hope we see the trap boy get pounded by his dad or other middle aged men.
Transitioning kik:ThatG1rlNikki
The comments are just fucking horny people on kik time, to spice it up
send me anything to my kik
ethanhardy2017
ADD MY KIK AAAAAAAAHHH!H!HHH!H!H!H!!HHH!H!
Bored. Looking for top
Kik: LittleMango16
Bored. Looking for a top, add my KIK
Kik:LittleMango16
Bored, Looking for a top to talk to. (M)
KIK: LilMango16
Femboy looking for fun on Kik. Add me karsten013
I’m a fat ass white femboy looking for BBC @space_lapis on kik
7500
I for one genuinely thing every anon on this site is very bright and deserves a cookie. If you believe you’re a special snowflake, than you surely are. This is not irony or sarcasm. Have a nice day.
SISSIES ADD ME ON KIK :BigDogStatus191
SISSIES AND FEMBOYS ADD ME ON KIK :BigDogStatus1912
SISSIES AND FEMBODYS ADD ME ON KIK :BigDogStatus1912
Add me on kik: daniel_.gomez
Shad posted on Instagram!
Hmm waiting…
Road to 10k comments!
Day 112 since shadmans hiatus began, it also has been 112 days since I’ve felt anything.
Heyy, I’m a white skinny sissy who want big dominant men with big cocks to have fun with. My kik is minni35
Well thats certainly something lol
https://onlyfans.com/u62296867
It’s a trap
Mans better be working on some 4th dimensional porn if he’s got us waiting this long without a word.
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Hell no
Found the fed
Get off this site kid
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( English and spanish)
Y’all should see this Dude’s Work it’s exactly Lord Shädman’s https://aobacarry.newgrounds.com/ Hope that’ll keep y’all Occupied while our Lord is Out until further Notice
This is actually surreal
Found the fed
some nice phase 1-2 shadman style indeed
Im not too much of a degenerate, just the regular porn kind; not into the chicks with dicks and dogs, but I really enjoyed just stopping by to see the new stuff, even if it didn’t make me horny. Just happy to see a man making art with little to no boundaries
Amazing news! According to his twitter, he is returning in November!
Hey looking for some chats and fun kik justacityboy12
I forgot how much I looked forward to checking shadbase, Daddy shad come home pls, pretty pls
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Nothing antisemitic about being against Israel :)
I miss shad fuck
I will not try ur green eggs and ham
Shad man is dead boys last night he killed himself after his GF lefthim.
looking for a femboy to chat with, makko20
I love when people call Trump Stupid..
You mean the multi-billionaire who kicked every Democrats butt, buried 16 career Republican politicians, and continues to make fools out of once reputable news organizations ..
You mean the guy who won the presidency?
You mean the guy with the super model wife?
You mean the guy whose words alone put a massive slow down on illegal border crossings?
You mean the guy whose mere presence made the stock market smash its previous records?
You mean the guy who created 1 million jobs in his first 7 months in office?
Are you sure you even know what it is you’re resisting?
Are you sure you back a party that enables the decimation of every core principal of Christianity?
Are you sure you back a party that voted 100% against the abolition of slavery?
Are you sure you really take a politician like Maxine Waters seriously?
Are you sure you don’t see anything wrong with someone who has a 40 yr career as a public servant living in a $4.5 mansion representing a district she doesn’t even live in?
Are you sure you see nothing wrong or peculiar about Hillary Clinton a woman being involved in politics for the last 30 yrs having a net worth of $240 million?
Are you sure you’re not just basing your opinion on hatred spewed by a crooked paid for media platform?
Could you even tell me 5 things the Democratic Party has done to improve you’re day to day prosperity as a hard working American citizen?
Probably not..
Do you realize the debacle you are sending your children into once they become adults by continuing to support a political party that has done nothing for the poor except kept them poor, gave them free abortions, and a few hundred a month to keep food in their fridge?
The prosperity and safety of its citizens is job one of your government.
Get with the program.
Everyone else has horribly failed you!
Smarten up and take a position for the sake of your children.
I promise you a country full of illegal immigrants, abortions, $15 an hour jobs, and non-gender specific people aren’t gonna make your country and life any more prosperous.
Rosie, Madonna, Katy Perry, and Robert Deniro are not just like you. They don’t have to live through the real world day to day disparity of an average American.
Men don’t hate women, white people don’t hate black people, and Donald Trump is not a racist.
Stop allowing yourself to be brainwashed by a party that has continuously failed you.
Be about your prosperity, your safety, your children, and an America First mindset.
Dump these crooked politicians that have stunted your growth.
Dump these crooked politicians that have stunted your children’s growth.
Toughen up, take a stand, and act like a proud American.
See the spirit of Trump supporting and freedom loving Americans and just imagine where we could be as a country if everyone had the same priorities
Trump is a zionist puppet and a pedophile just like everyone else in the American government. Get fucked republican faggot
So oddly both anti Semitic and left leaning
he’s not left leaning, just so far right he has looped back around
Why the fuck did you referenced these celebrities in your comment?
Trump is a Zionist cock sucker like every other American in Government. Biden is a Zionist simp too.
America is just a fucked up country, it doesn’t matter who you vote for. And no, criticizing Israel and Zionism is not anti-semitism.
is there another post with equal or more amount of comments?? Hmmm…
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From a male of colour
Only arryan lives matter you fucking ape
Suck my dick trump supporter
i bet most of you retards are gonna complaint about something the moment shad comes back and then wondering why left for so long
I fucking miss Shad.
R.I.P shad
wow damn WOW shad ded WOOOOW
damn
Loool! She soo hot:
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I like it!
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Shad’s fine. Y’all retards gotta check his twitter. Literally look up Shadman twitter. He’s been doing a freelance gig that’s due November. He said he’ll be back full-time in the winter.
Damn shad, hope your good out there man
I just want you to know that we miss you, and we know you’re coming back soon :) <3
Instagram: lewd_area
♥
I,ll been waiting
Y’all need to shut the fuck up and chill. He’ll be back this winter.
Had a good run, ya brought me some stuff to fap to over the years. See you in hell, Shad.
are you retarted?
Are you illiterate?
I would love for Shad to come back iwth more farting, lesbian ass licking. But anything would be appreciated at this point! We miss you man!
totally agree. i miss his ass centered pieces.
-_- take your time
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One day he’ll be back, hope he’s doing aight :(
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Cant wait next upload we miss u man x3